


Enervating Beauty

by francescalove07



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Dominant Kylo Ren, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Multi, POV Ben Solo, Possessive Kylo Ren, Protective Kylo Ren, Redeemed Ben Solo, Smut, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Virgin Kylo Ren, Young Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:54:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 60,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23328826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/francescalove07/pseuds/francescalove07
Summary: "𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖 𝙥𝙚𝙘𝙪𝙡𝙞𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙮 𝙞𝙣 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙤𝙣𝙚'𝙨 𝙨𝙤𝙪𝙡 𝙢𝙚𝙖𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙢𝙪𝙘𝙝 𝙩𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙤𝙬𝙣 𝙚𝙭𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙣𝙘𝙚."➢ ➢  Kylo Ren has been fatally wounded after the final battle in The Force Awakens. In an emergency, they're forced to crash land on his home planet of Chandrila for the closest medical treatment.Once he sees you - the young, beautiful and naïve princess - everything changes.The First Order becomes stationed there as your emotions override logic and you fall for him.Hard.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Word Count: [60,000]*There will be mature content throughout.*
Relationships: Ben Solo & Reader, Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo/Original Female Character(s), Kylo Ren/Reader
Comments: 44
Kudos: 212





	1. The Senate

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fix Your Attitude](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5961706) by [kassanovella](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kassanovella/pseuds/kassanovella). 



I feel a tug at my scalp as I nearly yelp out. Their hands worked tirelessly, forming small fishtail braids all across my head. I sat in front of the large circular mirror, forced to stare at my reflection as I criticized myself silently. God, why do I look like that? I hurl every critical depiction of my imperfections at myself until my chest felt tight. I ripped my eyes away from the mirror long enough to get dressed with the help of a few handmaids.

A satin purple robe adorned my long flowing white dress with detailed embroidery. I was fitted with an iron headpiece that went around my intricate hair do. It was strange to have so many people bustling around you, trying to ensure that every piece of hair is in place. 

They finally all finish and are proud of their work. By our society's standards, I did look rather ravishing. A true princess. 

My hair was all pinned up now as my long braided locks were not yet to be revealed. I touch them gently, already feeling the pain they would cause my tender scalp. Today was going to be a big day. 

I walked outside of my quarters and faced another one of my handmaids. She was startled by my presence. 

“Good morning.” I say adoringly as I smile and continue gracefully down the winding porcelain staircase. She smiled back and continued to my room to clean. A quick drop off at the end of the stairs led me to my duty for the day.

I lived on Chandrila. A quaint and safe planet filled with rolling hills and calm seas. It was the most tranquil place in the galaxy. For me anyway. 

I meet my new assistant at the bridge and call to her. “Vera!” 

She rushes over immediately as she was already late. 

“Yes Princess I’m sorry I left you waiting!” She said worrisomely. 

“Now, it’s no problem. But, I would love to get going.” I start to walk away but turn back around. “And it’s okay Vera really. Just don’t let it happen again.” I offer a soft smile as I feel her nervous energy slack. 

She leads me to my private ship with the pilot waiting for me. 

“Good morning Princess. Where are we off to today?” He asks politely. 

“Good morning Vican, we’ll be going to meet with the Senate. An urgent meeting has been called.” 

Following in the steps of my ancestor Mon Mothma, I serve as Chandrila’s senator in the Galactic Senate. 

While other planets had rules on who could remain in leadership while serving on the Senate, our planet had a new enlightenment on the advantages of having one ruler for both. I hail from Hanna City which is our nation’s capital. A democratic society indeed, the inhabitants were desperate for new leadership following the rise of Kylo Ren. 

Or how I knew him, Ben Solo. 

My mother was pregnant when she met Leia. Leia and Han had come to this planet to give birth to their son and raise him here. They had many hopes and dreams for him and devoted all their time to making life happy for him here, away from the threats they knew he would face. 

Ben was young when I was born but even then, when he left for training, I had felt his parents sorrow. I lost Ben that day and so did the rest of us. 

My own parents died fighting a war caused by his family and I grieved their losses indefinitely. But he always was in the back of my mind. I could never understand what happened to him. 

As frightening as he is rumored to be now, his short raven black hair and honey golden eyes were how I remembered him. Strong bone structure, athletic build. He chose to now cover up in favor of a hideous mask and cloaks.

The wonder of his turn was felt by many of our inhabitants because of how kind he was. Joyful. Full of life. Desperate for his mother’s love and father’s approval. 

As a young child I watched as he would use the force. I watched his parents faces as they contemplated what to do with him. I watched as his face fall as his accomplishments went unnoticed as his parents concerns deepened. 

As untrained I was with the force, I’ve felt it all my life. I have no desire to learn as I saw Ben’s fate. 

We arrived at Coruscant where Vera exited first to assist me exiting my ship. I watched as the other senators gazed on. 

My lavender purple robe made more of an entrance than I did, as it trailed behind me with every step. I was small under it and felt my body tremble under their stares. 

I gulped and took my place and watched as the meeting began. 

“Thank you for meeting with us today. Times are grim as I come to you and I need everyone’s support. Kylo Ren under supervision of Supreme Leader Snoke is out to destroy us. Not just me, not just you, but trillions of inhabitants on a vast array of planets. The deadliest weapon since the Death Star has been created.” said the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic. 

“How can this be? Where is your information sourced?” said an outraged Noghri Senator. 

“I have my ways. And I hope that you amongst everyone else seated here are more concerned with our civilians living then where my information comes from.” 

“Now-" 

“May I say something?” I interrupt. 

“Well from our new Senator Amidala, sure. Go right ahead.” His eyes burned holes in me as I felt belittled by his sarcastic words. 

The comparison was only made due to my age and inexperience. Padmé Amidala was a brilliant and wonderful queen as well as a bright senator, but I was not her. And I did not have her confidence or bravery or the support of so many Jedi to ensure her safety. 

“Excuse me sir, I agree my response was ill timed.” I swallowed feeling the redness spread across my cheeks. 

“All I was going to mention was that there might be an underlying motive. Kylo Ren is no saint but I don’t believe they have a motive for wiping our planets without something else going on.” 

“Now something intelligent you finally have to say. Yes I would agree, there is something else going on. However since my knowledge only reaches so far, we’ll have to remain under the impression that there is not one. Everyone prepare and expect for the worst.” 

Mass panic and chaos assumed and I watched in horror as I panicked under the pressure. Species of all kinds were now in danger in different planets and systems across the galaxy. The alien tongue they spoke in I could not understand but knew very well that they were scared. Vera rushes to me immediately and puts me on my ship as quick as she can. 

I turned to her in concern. 

“Vera what do I do? How do I warn my people? There is thousands of inhabitants on Chandrila!” I watched her face as the panic spread and she couldn't find the words to respond. 

She was terrified. I shouldn't have lashed out on her. 

I take deep breaths and calm myself as not to frighten her anymore. 

“It’s okay. I’ll figure this out, I have to.” I say calmly even though I was screaming inside. This leadership is something I took on knowing there would be threats to our planet but I never could have imagined something so violent and so soon. Our people were peaceful and gentle, we all lived in harmony. This would destroy us. 

Vera signals to the pilot that we were ready to take off. I could not stop thinking about what kind of weapon they could have created. The Death Star had been taught to us as necessary history so I knew a thing or two about it's capabilities, but this was supposed to be even worse than that. A clone army? No, there's no way. That has already been done many years ago and I can't imagine the First Order using such a juvenile weapon. This had to be something bad, very bad. 


	2. The Arrival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As your nerves are growing to give your speech to the people, a crash landing midway through is an interruption you didn’t plan on.

As I arrived back on my home planet, I rushed to my quarters as fast as my feet could carry me. My handmaids are at my side in no time as I ask them to hurry the process along with removing my elaborate hairdo.

Their hands work quickly undoing pins and braids. I massaged my scalp as I felt my soft long hair fall back into place. One of my favorite younger handmaids, Iylin starts to brush it gently. Worry was all across my face and the tension was thick in the room.

"Princess, I know that times are troublesome but please have faith. This planet adores you and knows you have only the best intentions. Believe that."

I saw her face in the mirror and smiled kindly. How I deserved such love on this planet was something I wondered all the time.

I asked them politely to leave as I start to gather my thoughts on what to say to my people. I still can't believe I'm going to rule over so many people. I wouldn't be sworn in as queen for a while as the new procedures and standards require that, but the fate of our planet was still all on me.

I sat down near my bed and huff annoyingly. Too many thoughts were swirling around in my brain, entertaining all the possibilities of our planet's outcome in case Ren did come for us.

I reach over and grab my data pad and scroll until I find my lead general, Atlas Brayer.

As I discuss with him what actions to take and the best way to prepare our people, he informs me that the new Republic has been struck down as well. I lie down into my bed and let the soft cushioning whisk me away as the news just got worse and worse. Somehow in the wake of my parents death I'm really expected to be a leader and a politician.

I miss them everyday. It's tiresome being alone all the time, all my relationships strictly professional and polite. I wanted someone. Anyone. Someone who knew what it's like.

I feel a tear start to roll down my cheek but wipe it away immediately. I shut my emotions off so I can go back to my duty. I finish my conversation with the general and look at my data pad's clock.

0200 hours.

I sigh and dress in my silk night gown and exit my quarters. I grab my night shoes and go out to the small clearing by my castle. It was not really referred to as a castle by our people, but it did house myself as well as my handmaids and all my personnel. It was also rather large I suppose.

I sit on the soft green grass and steady my breathing. I close my eyes. As I focus deeply, I watch as the animals around me gather. The animal bond was one of the only parts of the force I entertained, it was where I found utmost peace.

A small rabbit came by my leg and I enveloped him in my arms and stroked his soft brown fur. It was like as much as I tried to shut my mind off, it wouldn't stop. I was dead-set on the outcome of the First Order's new means of destruction and what it entailed for our planet.

My mind ached as visions start flashing by. A war on my planet against the First Order orchestrated by Kylo Ren. Death and pain and misery.

It was suffocating.

I shake the images from my mind as the fear and anxiety come back. A fawn rests it's head on my lap and I try to release all the negative energy I was carrying.

I swallow and try to breathe in and out.

I gather my thoughts and stand up, dusting my hands over my night gown to remove the debris. As calming as that was supposed to be, instead I only have more nightmares to fear.

As I walk back into my quarters I see General Brayer rushing to me.

"Princess, I apologize for coming to you at this hour but we just received word from the Resistance."

"Yes sir, do tell."

"Kylo Ren killed his father. Their weapon is ready."

My breath catches in my throat as I feel the wind knocked out of me. The Han Solo who held me as a baby and watched me walk for the first time. The long gone Ben Solo who laughed as I toppled over trying to walk. He killed him. He murdered him. And now our planets would feel his wrath.

I clear my throat holding back tears as I respond to him.

"Thank you, General. Please get some rest and I will discuss these events with you in the morning."

I walk back into my quarters and into my room. I curl into my soft sheets and beg to fall asleep. I needed an escape from these memories of the Solos as they flash before my eyes instantaneously, reminding me of the life I'll never get back.

I lie awake for hours and hours, not an ounce of sleep to be had. Staring at my ceiling alone with only my thoughts.

At 0500 hours my handmaids are already up and are coming into my room with breakfast. I slide out of my bed and go to my window overlooking the city. It was bustling as usual, citizens getting to work for the day and the sun beaming down across all the greenery.

I eat silently as my dress is ironed for the day.

Applying light makeup and leaving my hair in its natural long waves, I put on my dress and overcoat. A hairpiece is fastened made of pearls, to hold back some of my hair.

"Thank you, you may exit now." I tell the handmaids as they returned to their quarters in the castle.

I grab my data pad and leave a message for my advisors, generals, and assistant to meet at 0700 hours in the town square for an emergency gathering. I also require them to transmit the message to our city and further, to our entire planet.

I prepare for the speech I have to give for the next hour. My palms are sweating as I contemplate all the outcomes for my people. I didn't know how our people would react, what they would expect me to do. But I couldn't lie to them about our circumstances. I couldn't shake the images of our planet dying and it was killing me inside.

Vera is waiting outside for me at exactly 0700. We walk together into the city with the protection of a few of our guard members. I felt safe guarded by them but am still incredibly anxious.

When we reach the town square, it is already filled with citizens that had come urgently. As I step up to the podium, I look ahead at the crowd in front of me. Thousands of inhabitants are in my presence and are waiting for me to speak.

"Good morning citizens. It is-" I pause and clear my throat as I look back down at my notes.

"It is my honor to be before you today but I have to deliver worrisome news. The new Republic has been destroyed. Kylo Ren and the First Order are preparing an attack on many planets and potentially our own planet. Now please do not be alarmed as I promise you our guard and generals are well trained and ready to fight."

My hands sweat nervously as I watch the very opinionated and educated inhabitants start to freak out. I would have no control over this situation if the citizens continued to panic like this. They were all going to have their own thoughts on what I should do and all I could feel was an extreme amount of overwhelmingness being spread throughout our gathering place.

"I will do everything in my power to protect this planet and I hope your faith in me will be enough to carry you through these troubling times. Now-" I'm interrupted by a massive booming and crash through the empty land by my castle.

My eyes go wide as I see a ship of the First Order's come crashing down and hurling towards my beloved plant and animal life.

The sound was splintering as the engine gave out and small debris nearby caught on fire. Our guard acted immediately to hurry our people back to their cottages and workplaces, my speech cut short.

Fear struck, General Brayer puts the city under lock down orders since I was incapable and too in shock at what just happened. As I watched in horror from afar, I realize I have no option but to see what monstrosity just landed here.

"Princess, the military have been notified and are on their way to survey the damage. You must come now with us to detain whoever is inside the ship, if they're even alive." Vera says out of breath. I nodded my head once in agreement as my guard surrounds me as we take the walk to see what lies in the broken, battered ship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly am having to learn about the force with every chapter so I’m sorry if things don’t make complete sense! The Princess (you) is intact with the force but is not a jedi or sith. Thanks for reading!


	3. Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The princess forces her way onto the ship but already knows who lies inside. Kylo Ren.

As we continue our walk to the crashed ship, I pull myself together and put on a brave face. I could no longer think of the repercussions, only ensuring my people's safety. The guards shelter me as we finally reach the crash scene. My heart is beating out of my chest as my pace quickens to keep up with those around me.

When I arrive, more of our military has been called on and already had the ship covered. I was prepared to entire the ship when I doubled over in a pain like stance.

"Princess, are you okay?!" General Brayer said beside me, grabbing my wrists to help me up. I felt like my body was not my own.

The feeling was strange.

There was a darkness draping over the entire ship. It was soul sucking, draining. And yet it called to me like a beacon in the night. The First Order emblem on the ship's exterior already gave away the evil inside but this was something different.

This was such an intense feeling I'd never felt before. Only someone with an extreme pull to the dark wide could muster this type of energy. That's when I realized.

What was in the ship. Who was in the ship. I knew already. It felt like my skin was on fire, my insides ignited.

It was Kylo Ren.

I take a deep breath and regain composure, as much as possible since the impact of the energy this ship carried and went to enter the smashed in ship.

"Princess we cannot let you go in there." A military official said.

I didn't want to go in there but I had to. If there was any possible way of stopping this _demon_ from partaking in anarchy in our planet, I would do it.

"I respect your decision, but this is my planet and my people. I will do as I must." I muster out. I had to pull myself together and act as if this wasn't the scariest thing I've ever done. I brush his shoulder as the guards cover the ship's door with themselves and their weaponry as I come inside.

As I enter I see First Order nurses moving at lightning speed and hear machines whizzing insistently. A few storm troopers linger in the background. Thankfully no one seems injured. Maybe a little shaken up, but not enough to show it to their leader.

At my entrance however, they are up in arms as the stormtroopers come to the front of the ship.

"As leader and princess of this planet, your master's presence is unwelcome. I must ask you to leave at once." I tell them.

The storm troopers were amused by my command. The nurses eavesdropped and were shocked and bewildered but would never take one wrong move in betraying their leader. They were innocent, unwillingly submitting themselves to be his slaves. The status of their ship told me enough about how long they had been traveling and their low fuel reserve. Their work should be nearly complete.

"I'm sorry we cannot do that." said one of the nurses to me firmly.

I stared into her innocent jade green eyes. They were glossed over, fear showing in her pupils. I reached into her mind just enough to suggest her to leave. Now.

"On second thought, it would be best for us to leave Commander Ren at this time." she says robotically as her nurses file out behind her.

"You are welcome to stay here. My troops can offer you shelter and food, clothing if need be. You do not have to work for Commander Ren if you don't want to." I suggest to her, urging for them to get away while they can.

It was no burden to me to allow enslaved women to stay on my planet. It was joyous for me to release them of their duties. The stormtroopers however were not going to budge. Their sole purpose in life was to serve their leader.

"If you do not move yourself, my troops will do it for you." I say confidently. They still were not going to move an inch.

"Fire." I command.

A short lived battle soon assumes as the stormtroopers are killed almost instantly. A few military members of ours were injured but they were far out numbered and we had our own powerful blasters. As I walk past their now deceased bodies, I can feel my hands shake with every step I take. He would've said something already if he was strong enough, I know it. I mean he's a monster. He would've fought us the second he could but something is wrong.

If there's anything I know about the force, I know heard me coming as soon as I was in vicinity of the ship and has heard me since the minute I arrived.

As I reach his medical room I suck in as much air as possible, desperate to ease my shaking breath.

That's when I see him.

**_Beautiful._ **

I can't stutter a sentence out. His face was strong and defined, his features molded from granite. His dark eyebrows sloped downward in a serious expression. His eyelids fluttered as he had them closed shut in pain. He was wounded and slashed across his face. He was laid on a medical bed with a deep gash to his stomach. I can guarantee he never meant for a single person to ever see him like this.

Weak.

His dark hair fell in long cascading waves now, framing his face. Dampened from sweat following the injuries, but it still looked exquisite.

His eyes shot open and as they met mine I stopped breathing completely. People often speak of the color of eyes as if that were of importance, yet his would be beautiful in any shade.

I was awestruck.

It lasted for moments as his dark eyes bore into mine as he reached into my mind. It took him seconds to recall my parent's death and my sorrow following it.

I crumble in pain from the harsh memories. I push him out with all my energy, draining me completely. He was strong with the force. So much stronger than me, but his injuries had him feeble. That was the only way I stood a chance of forcing him out. I try to get words out but it was incredibly difficult.

"Ky-"

"Stop. Don't say another word. You leave, now."

His eyes flickered back up to mine and were met with such intensity. He was angry, truly just burning with rage from the inside out. It was one of the most intense feelings I've ever felt from another person.

I gulped. "Very well then."

My guard members help carry my defeated body up and away from the ship and I order another round of troops to come and whatever happens, to not let him leave.

I could not risk him killing me or any of our citizens, even though I'm sure he's already plotting it in his head. It would only take one slice of his lightsaber and that's it, I'm dead.

As I'm brought to my quarters, I'm stone faced. My handmaids busy around me, ensuring I'm safe and comforted, but I have no reaction.

A Jedi killer, a murderer, the leader of the First Order.

No matter his intentions, I'm absolutely positive now that he would kill me the first chance he got. I'm weak. I'm no princess. I'm no leader. I'm nothing compared to him.

We required more troops to stand watch all through out the castle. My guard was stationed outside my quarters as well. The odds of him killing me would be escalated once he was healed or had called in more of the First Order. We could not afford a risk like that and jeopardize my leadership.

"You're relieved of your duties." I say quietly to my handmaids after I was situated. All I wanted was to be left alone. I could feel myself shrinking into my bed.

I wanted to disappear. Sink into the ground, let the fear consume me.

But all I could think of was his face.

**_Beautiful_ ** **.**

Scarred and ragged from the battle before. But still the most alluring and beguiling man I'd ever seen. He was not shielded by his cloak or mask. He was vulnerable, in agonizing pain. Yet somehow he still managed to stop my lungs completely, as if the entire planet stopped orbiting at his glance.

As I tried to catch a wink of sleep, I was abruptly awakened by _it_.

Later that night _it_ happened.

His awakening, I feel it. His wounds have healed enough for him to gain more control of the force again.

The slaying. It had began.


	4. Brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The princess releases her anger on to Kylo Ren and eventually comes to terms with the effects of her actions. With her city at risk, she is captured.

I couldn't dare to sleep any longer knowing what he had done. I'm out of my quarters and down past the castle in record time to where his ship is, but it's too late. He slaughtered them all. Every single military member he killed.

My anger clouded my head as I rush into his ship. The sun was just starting to come up as I find two of my own city's personnel tending to him.

_Motherfucker._

Even though he was able to gain power back in his control of the force, he was still deeply wounded. Whoever he battled with did a number on him. His injuries aside, he was ready to gain back his former self.

His helmet was on now along with most of his cloaks.

"You. You're back so soon." He says mechanically. I had only just entered the room when he felt my presence. I held my tongue the day before in fear but this was something else.

"You slaughtered them, my people. How could you!" The anger seethed from my voice as I go to approach him.

He stops me in my tracks as the force paralyzes me. I'd never met someone so strong with the force and I was absolutely weak against it.

Even though he was choosing to put on a facade that he wasn't absolutely fucked up, he was still wounded. Fragile. He lacked that strength, the kind Snoke took him for. I fought with all my might against his paralyzation and still couldn't manage to break free. He could feel me trying though and seemed surprised at how much I was able to push back. He released me.

I take the long strides forward to face him head on. He stands up wobbly, gripping his side, and towers above me. He was massive and in fact very intimating. My breath catches in my throat.

It was silent.

I stared into his dark mask in hope of seeing a trace of that enthralling face I saw the day before. I couldn't stop thinking about how absolutely captivating his looks were, even while wanting to kill him.

"You? kill me? That's funny." He responded sarcastically.

He heard me?

"You just murdered dozens of our people. Do you think I want to bow at your feet?" I answer annoyed. Absolutely confused at how he possibly heard my thoughts, he finally spoke a few minutes later.

"So, Princess of Chandrila. Would you like to tell me how that leadership came to be because I can't recall living with a queen when I was here."

His words cut like knives as I'm suddenly reminded once again of what I grew up with and what I lost. Of course he would never respect my reign. I take deep breaths before I jab back.

"It seems like you forgot a lot of what you grew up with." I sneered.

That made him mad. Really really mad. He threw an object for my head when the force caught it mid air.

I did it? I made the force stop it from hitting me.

A strange victory, I released it. But his eyes were glued on me. He was curious as to how he missed someone so close to him in touch with the force.

"One with the force I see... I wonder when that happened."

But he was not threatened, not one bit. He knew how much stronger he was and that my body could be snapped like a twig in two seconds.

"Probably when you left us all and were seduced to the dark side. Bowing before Snoke like his-"

The force drug my limp body up to his height as he started to force choke me.

"I don't know who you think you're talking to but I am your superior. Remember that."

The mask was inches from my face as I choked for air. My hands dashed out from my sides, tugging at his cloaks in panic. I fell to the ground at his release and felt the life sucked out of me.

He was not redeemable. No, the old Ben was _gone_.

He was full of hate and pain and he hated me. He hated me for reminding him of his own childhood and what he lost. He wanted to destroy me and the memories that this place carried.

He was ready to limp his way off this broken ship when I finally got myself together and forced myself into his mind. A wall was up indeed and I would normally never be able to penetrate it but his mind was weakened. In agony. It came crumbling down showing me the recent events.

I heard his father calling to him to come back. Urging him, pleading with him. I saw the reflection of his lightsaber in his father's eyes when he murdered him. I was bringing back the horrendous gut wrenching feelings of killing his father. He felt guilt. Pain. I made him relive it all.

I released his mind as he turned in his tracks and stomped his way back to my crumpled position on the floor. I imagined he would stop me and kill me right there. How dare I talk back to him and threaten him by invading the safety of his own mind?

"You." was all he said before angrily turning back around. His hands turned to fists as he grabbed his lightsaber and ignited it. He turned to the interior of his ship and had no mercy. The metal being burned through screeched sharply and was simply horrible. He ripped it to shreds.

During his meltdown, I pulled myself off the floor and stumbled out of the ship. I was gone at this point, the smell of burnt metal following me with every step I took farther from his ship. It was a bravery like I'd never felt before, but I knew the dangers that came with it. He would get me back for what I said eventually.

"Princess, do not run off like that again. Your safety is of utmost importance to this planet." said General Brayer, meeting me halfway back to the castle. The sun was up now and everyone had started to awake. The guard followed in tow and another general whispered in his ear. General Brayer nodded and turned back to me.

"We have to go now. They're here." was all he said before I was whisked away to more uninhabited forest land.

The consequences of Ren's arrival were soon inevitable as TIE fighters emerge from lightspeed skipping and have now covered the vivid blue sky. Larger First Order ships surrounded us as every inch of the forest now had some type of First Order personnel on scene.

Vera was already there with Iylin who were both very afraid, cowering by themselves.

"Princess what do we do? Where do we go?"

I couldn't even answer their questions. If Kylo wanted out of that ship, it would happen alright, no matter if he limped the entire way out. He's the next Supreme Leader, I was no match for him no matter what words we exchanged. No one was.

His power was unparalleled. His strength was frightening, I had no doubt that he would've just killed me if he hadn't stopped himself. He was a monster.

"Please take yourselves and the rest of the handmaids in to my quarters and remain there until things are calm. I will handle this." I respond to the girls.

I knew in my head that was a lie.

I had absolutely no way of actually handling this. Stormtroopers are on their feet marching into my city, they were going to take us over. How was I supposed to stop them?

General Brayer walked up behind me and hung his head low.

"Princess I'm sorry to tell you but I don't think we have a way to stop them. Our military troops are much smaller now and we don't have the weaponry like the First Order does."

I knew what he was saying was right but it still felt like a stab in the chest. I couldn't protect my people and that was the only thing I promised them I could do.

"I can't go down without a fight, that's not how you or me were raised _Atlas_. I'll talk to them."

The fear of Kylo walking out and slaughtering me was all I could think about as I approached the rest of the First Order. He could hear me and my thoughts. He knew I was terrified. And yet he embraced it.

I walk to one of the TIE fighters that held the reigning lead storm trooper.

"Would you like to tell me what you're doing on my planet?" I ask accusingly. If she could laugh she would.

"I am Captain Phasma of the First Order and you _will_ bow to us and our leader."

I was shaking. Confrontation was one thing I could never handle, and now I had to change that somehow.

"No. Why are you on my planet." I say sternly as some of my remaining troops file behind me. I had to roll my hands into fists so she couldn't see that my hands were shaking.

She sighed as she gave a generalized answer.

"As you know, Commander Ren has been injured. We are here to oversee his recovery until he can handle things himself."

"And? That tells me nothing. Are you planning on destroying my city and my planet? Because we have been preparing for this-"

"We do not do anything until commanded by Master Ren."

So now I'm a sitting duck? My planet's future left in the hands of an unpredictable creature who I just made hate me even more than he already does? I rolled my eyes and walked away.

At least if they were here, they wouldn't blow us up.

Not yet anyways.

I was honestly just bewildered. Scared. The First Order was moving into my city whether I liked it or not. The only thing left for me to do was inform my people and try to comfort them, ensuring their safety as they remained under my lock down order. This was nothing I could have prepared for. 

I have my guard compose a message to be sent through our airways informing our citizens of the...situation. The last thing I wanted to do was panic them but news would travel fast.

As I turn to walk back to my quarters, a group of stormtroopers stop me.

"You're not going anywhere. Commander Ren has ordered your lockdown in our chambers."

I look at my troops and guard for help but my fate was already decided. I was going wherever Kylo Ren wanted me to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are coming out so fast because of all the time on my hands, lol thank you quarantine! I apologize if things seem to be moving fast or if things don’t correlate exactly with the SW universe. Thank you for reading!


	5. Prisoner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As you’re taken captive, you have your first real talk with Kylo Ren and are given no mercy by his crew.

The stormtroopers led me to their newly landed cruiser that was ten times as big as the small ship that crash landed the day before.

They clearly needed a bigger ship to house all the stormtroopers they would need to control my planet.

My wrists were held tightly as I was led to their interrogation chambers. I was now quite thankful that I had put on actual pants for once, considering how a dress would severely hinder this pace they're walking at. When I was finally released from their tight grip, I was thrown into an empty chamber. The door shut automatically and a stormtrooper came in to ensure that my wrists were instead moved to metal handcuffs in a large chair. After I was done being set up I was left alone.  
  
  


It had probably been four hours before anyone came near my location. I was hungry and tired and praying that somehow Kylo Ren would not be the one to come in here.

Instead I was met with the pleasant surprise of Captain Phasma. _Not._

She opens up the doors with a keypad and waltzes in with two stormtroopers in tow. She stared at me helpless and miserable.

"Pathetic. General Hux will be in to see you soon."

I didn't dare to respond back. She took her blaster and hit me in the mouth, splitting open my lip.

I felt blood start pouring in and my mouth tasted like metal. It hurt like hell.

"You can thank Ren for that." she said before exiting and closing the door behind her.

Did... did Kylo ask for her to hit me? Was he going to torture me himself? I'd rather him just kill me than drag it out.

It was another two hours before General Hux came in. My mouth was covered in blood at this point and had dripped down my neck but the bleeding had stopped some time earlier.

When Hux stormed in, his face was twisted with disgust. He called over a stormtrooper immediately.

Before I knew it, I had a storm trooper in my face trying to clean off the blood. I don't blame Hux though, I probably did look pretty gross. Pretty weak stomach though if all he could handle was a bloody face.

I was just happy to get some relief from the awful metal taste I felt all around my mouth, regardless as to why it was done.

"Since that's been taken care of, I'm here to inform you that you're being held prisoner." He says crossing his arms behind his back.

Prisoner? _Prisoner?!_ No there's no way. I can't physically be away from my people that long! The only person who could possibly take my place was General Brayer but in no way is he trained to actually govern our entire planet in my place.

"What? No! How long is Ren staying here? I have a planet to rule, I-"

A harsh sting flies across my face as he slaps me. The leather on his gloves delivering an especially hard slap.

"Who do you think you are. You don't deserve answers. You're _scum_." He walks out and I'm alone again. My face hurt really bad and I knew it was bruising already. How could a slap hurt that bad?!

I didn't need to see myself to know what I looked like. Weak, broken, ugly. I was disgusted with myself.

No one came again until morning. It's pretty hard to sleep in a chair contraption made of metal. I couldn't touch my face but even moving it, I knew the bruising was there already.

I thought I was going to go crazy with how long I'd been trapped in this thing.

To my luck, the door whooshes open as Kylo Ren comes in. He's alone. All of his outerwear and his mask hid his injuries but I had seen firsthand how bad they were. He still needed to recover but he needed to take care of this first.

 _Me_.

His steps are heavy as I feel each one slowly coming closer to where my beaten self sat. He observed my face only for a second before looking at our surroundings.

"Your attempt to be my authority was amusing at best." He said calmly.

"Do you really want to know why our leadership changed? Because they're terrified of you doing exactly what you are now." I said angrily.

I knew I needed to control myself and stop challenging him. The longer I provoke him, the longer I'm kept away from my people. And the more I get hurt.

"Interesting. Tell me about your experience with the force."

I shift uncomfortably and try to roll my wrists to relieve some of the pain but of course was unable to. 

"I don't know much. My parents didn't want me to train and we left it at that. I only know what I've chosen to educate myself on which is little."

"Continue."

"Animals. I use the animal bond and that's it. The only other time I use the force is to calm people around me, you know sensing their energies and to occasionally suggest ideas."

"When did it develop?" He quipped back. "You've done quite a good job at keeping it a secret."

"I've felt all my life. It grew though after you um, left. But yes I've done everything possible to keep it under wraps." I felt uneasy around him, nervous. He harnessed my nervous energy and used it for power. It made me more than uncomfortable, I wanted to throw up.

"Supreme Leader Snoke would be...intrigued by your abilities."

He was threatening me now. His plan for me was unclear but he wasn't going to actually take me to Snoke, right? I understand I was uneducated and didn't know my strength yet but all I had displayed was minor Jedi abilities. I was no threat to him or his order.

"I told you, I don't want to learn."

"You will do as I say." He yelled.

He ignited his lightsaber and came inches to burning me. The heat radiated through out my body as my heart was about to fly through my chest. My eyes flipped to his mask as I stared into the black nothingness. He was inside there somewhere.

I think he actually enjoyed it. He enjoyed scaring me, seeing me frightened by him.

He disengaged the lightsaber and turned to leave. I wanted to tell him that if he thought the mask was helping to scare me, to take the damn thing off. I'd seen the real him, I knew what he looked like. The mask was just a gimmick.

"Control your thoughts or I will." Is all he muttered mechanically before leaving. He had heard me again, My urge to speak was just too damn loud. I didn't want him in my head, hearing all my thoughts about him. He's a monster.  
  


Nearly a day later, I was finally released from the interrogation chamber. My wrists were red and bruised from the handcuffs and my face had just barely started the healing process. I was starving and was hoping to be rewarded since I gave him answers. There's really no such thing as that in his book however.

I was led instead to their prisoner chambers by more stormtroopers as I'm dropped off into the bare room. It was cold and empty with nearly nothing but a bed and toilet in the room. I plop down on the hard cot. I'm slid a tray of mush as my food, but I was so hungry I ate it all. _How was this my life?_

I was beyond anger as I had many many hours in the interrogation room alone to deal with my feelings on that. I just wanted to go home. I have been an orphan for years, trained by my advisors relentlessly, unable to sleep most nights. But this, _this_ somehow took the cake.

Them keeping me locked up would be used to their advantage of course as they would spread stormtroopers throughout the city and eventually reach the entirety of my planet. No one would be able to stop them, especially without me there.

That's when it dawned on me.

They were not just here to cover for Kylo, this was an entire _ **takeover**_.

I'm given a change of clothes and am put into khaki pants and a khaki shirt. Is this the First Order prisoner attire? My hair was tangled but I tried to use my fingers to brush through it.

I wondered if the Resistance or the Senate would come for us, help give aid to our citizens. If anyone even knew that we had been taken over now by the First Order. It was doubtful since everything happened so rapidly but I still tried to hold onto hope. The Senate however must be crumbling under the Republic's destruction. I would be there if I could, knowing those available are working as I speak to fix this mess.

There was no real sense of time however as I was stuck in a metal box. The lights never went out and there was no way of seeing whether it was day or night. I crawled onto the cot and curled into myself. I hoped for once in my life I could actually sleep and my mind would take me somewhere far away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise smut is coming soon! I care about the plot line more right now and am trying to make sure I set the right scene. Considering Kylo is a virgin and all (;


	6. Olive Branch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo’s anger reaches its breaking point as he’s incredibly on edge and your presence is overwhelming.

I rubbed my eyes and stare at the metal ceiling. It had been days now. I had no idea how many, but I knew I had been trapped in here for far longer then what they had planned. Or maybe they thought this is what I deserved for even existing and not supporting them? I had too much time to think it over and had exhausted every possibility at this point.

I go to sit at my door again like I do everyday. I would wait here for hours hoping I'd overhear conversations from outside. I was beside myself wishing for any type of social interaction.

I finally hear a conversation and footsteps coming near my door. It was him again, I could spot those footprints anywhere. The fear he set off in people was very noticeable to anyone strong with the force.

"Ren, we can't stay here forever. You have orders from the Supreme Leader and the girl to destroy."

I noticed the voice as General Hux and knew he was holding back just how irked he was. He was desperate to please their Supreme Leader.

"You report to **me**. We are stationing here until I find the girl and kill her. That's final."

I could hear Hux walk away, his heeled boots hitting the metal floor. I had heard the voice modulator and knew Kylo's mask was on. How annoying. He starts approaching my door and I scrambled back to my cot so he wouldn't know I was listening.

Kylo enters at once.

"You. Up now. You're released."

I'm shocked. I was sure they were going to keep me here until Kylo killed me. Or that a stormtrooper would throw me out. Then again I had no real reason for being held captive, I was performing normal leader duties. Nevertheless, I was thankful and tried to offer an olive branch. As he turns to walk out I speak in only a whisper.

"Thank you."

He stops in his tracks. His hands roll into fists as his anger starts to boil over. He was enraged, furious. I said the wrong thing. I really said the wrong thing.

"What did you just say?" He turns around and is suddenly inches from my face as he forcefully grabs me and pins me against the wall.

"Nothing, I said nothing." My voice nearly breaking.

"You do not thank me for anything. I could kill you right here and _right now._ " His hands clasp my throat as my breathing is restricted. I could feel my feet coming off the floor and knew if he tightened even just a little bit more, for a little bit longer, I would die.

His energy was filled with so many conflicting emotions. The most prominent being anger of course but there was something else... was it _lust?_ I had never seen it before and couldn't depict it so easily.

My eyes start shutting as I feel myself giving into death. Just when I think I'm going to die, he drops me. I sink to the floor, gasping for breath and can't move. My body goes limp.

"You submit to me and my rules. I order this planet now."

As I looked at his mountainous figure standing above me, all I could think about was him. Not the Kylo Ren him, the _real_ him. He was still under there, under the cowl and mask and gloves. As much as I wanted to believe that he was the villainous horrendous man, and his actions did prove that he was, I also could not shake the memories of us as children.

"The boy you knew is dead. Weak and unbalanced. A fool." He says as he holds his arms behind his back and walks back to meet my dead filled eyes on the ground. His temper had subsided.

I hated him with every fiber in my body yet felt myself wanting to rip his ridiculous mask off and show his true self. I was insistent on seeing his face again, I had to, I needed to. Through my own fits of anger and hatred, I found myself compelled to him and drawn to him.

How strange.

My mind goes hazy though and all I see is blackness as I fall into unconsciousness.  
  


When I awake, I'm back in my soft luxurious bed and am wrapped up in my satin sheets. My face is cool to the touch as I realize it has been iced to control the bruising and pain. How did I get here?

Iylin enters and I jump with questions.

"Iylin, how long was I held prisoner? How did I get here? How are our people, are they okay?"

"Princess please lie back down, you are wounded!" She says frantically, rushing to my side.

As she says it, I realize I had already started to come off the bed and felt my neck ache. It's from when he almost killed me. _Twice._

"You were held prisoner madam for seven days. Stormtroopers presented you to us half dead and our medical team rushed to treat you immediately. Thankfully you recovered from your unconsciousness in a normal timely fashion. That occurred three days ago."

I was dumbfounded that I was held prisoner for such a short amount of time, it had felt more like weeks. My memory came back in pieces as I remember what happened with Kylo Ren. He actually almost choked me to death. TWICE.

But I also remembered the other energy I felt. The lustful desire that I couldn't ignore. It was the most peculiar.

"In regards to our people, they are okay. General Brayer has done an excellent job to make sure everyone is safe during this time. But sadly we are in fact ruled by the First Order."

I wish her saying it would make it less true but I already knew the truth. I couldn't get over how much of a failure I was. I promised them one thing, one. That I would do everything in my power to keep them safe from the one thing they feared most. I was such a disappointment. I asked for her to bring me a handheld mirror so I could observe my injuries.

I gasped at the sight staring back at me.

My face was swollen with my lip still cracked open and slight bruising across my face. But it was nothing compared to my neck. My neck had deep purple bruising in the shape of finger marks, scattered with dark red throughout. I had seen enough and had her take the mirror back.

I got up slowly with Iylin's help and walked to my window. I saw for the first time the actual impact of the First Order ruling us and stormtroopers positioned all across the city. They seem to only take over the capital fully for now, an entire planet too difficult in the amount of time given although I'm sure Kylo will have stormtroopers stationed throughout in no time. I'm ecstatic when Vera arrives.

"It's wonderful to see you Princess." she says excitedly with her short blonde curls bouncing with every step as she comes to drape her arms around me in a hug. It had never felt more right as I was starved of human interaction and general affection. She hurries to sit on my bed.

"Did you actually see him? Kylo Ren? Did he do this to you?" She articulates in such a hushed whisper for the handmaids to not hear.

"Yes." I confide in her. "Well, some of it. He is much scarier than the rumors I can promise you that. They all are. And I hope you know that's me advising you to stay far away from their ships." I warn as I cut her the real deal.

It was honestly brutal.

I had never had that type of violence enacted on me and I don't know how I didn't die. I was treated less than human, like a nuisance that they would remember every so often needed to be fed. But I more or so wondered why he released me. I mean no I didn't belong there in the first point but isn't the point of being a prisoner to be in-prisoned?

I was desperate for answers that I knew would be so hard to get. The lack of knowledge from the stormtroopers and the fear of upsetting his higher up generals led me to just being thankful I was out. Whoever the "girl" was that he needed to destroy was of some importance. I did wonder who she was though. She occupied a portion of his mind and had some responsibility in his overwhelming fury that he always managed to carry. Again I was curious with no answers to ever be had.

I lay back down and am beyond grateful that my body is able to actually get and enjoy sleep. The exhaustion of just walking to the window and back had taken a toll on me already.

I didn't know how long it would take me to recover as his actions seemed like so long ago already, but I was nearly content hiding in here like a coward. I was able to ignore the horror of what's happened to our planet under my reign, as if it didn't even happen.

What a horrible person I am.

But as I laid back down again, my head was working tirelessly to regain the thoughts of what happened when Kylo was with me. I wanted to remember every single second.

In both of our fits of anger, we still had a pull to each other. That feeling mercifully calling to the both of us, even though we hated each other.

But even as much as I wanted to see his ravishingly handsome looks again, he didn't deserve my attention or my thoughts. Or my attraction.

I mean that's what this is right? I'm attracted to him. I'm attracted to a man who was seconds away from killing me and I want dead.

That makes total sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks you guys for voicing your appreciation of the story, it’s much appreciated!


	7. Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As you meet with the general to survey the city, you are requested at Kylo’s ship where other things take place.

It had been nearly a week since I last saw him. Engraved in my memory was the feeling of my air supply being cut off, his strong gloved hands putting just enough pressure on my artery as not to kill me. The truth was that he did not kill me. The opportunity was right in front of him, yet he knew just how to torture me enough without making me die. Miraculous huh? That he had given me mercy.

I couldn't count the amount of times I'd replayed our encounters but for now I shake the thoughts out of my head as I prepare for the day. I have a meeting with General Brayer to see if there was any hope at help for my people. I was desperate to free our people from the rule of the dark side, knowing that even sequestered in their homes, the dark side would still call to some of them.

My handmaids follow me out of my quarters as we take the long walk from the castle and down through the now overpopulated town square. I urged my generals and handmaidens not to provoke the stormtroopers unless need be to keep us safe. I was grateful they were even letting us out of the castle.

I meet General Brayer at 0900 hours.

"Greetings Princess. I assure you are now feeling well?" He asks respectfully.

His pale skin shined in the early morning sun and his auburn locks glistened in the light. He was baby faced for a man of his age, exactly twenty six on this day. I remembered his father, the one who trained him, being with my parents on the day of their death. He also died in the battle but was the bravest general we've ever had. There was not a second of conflicting on who would take his place.

Brave, loyal, and noble Atlas Brayer. His son, the golden boy. 

"Yes General, much better. Thank you for your concern."

"I promise you Princess, if we were able to kill him for his crimes against you, we would." He says to me quietly.

It was no secret at this point as word had traveled throughout the city of Kylo and I's... disagreement. While the handmaids had tried to conceal the bruising on my neck the best they could, others still knew. This city was full of politicians that would get their hands on any information possible. 

Most citizens were outraged, upset that such a thing would be done to their future queen. But they were helpless as were the rest of us, there was no battle to be had against Kylo Ren.

The General and I continue further into the heart of our city as I avidly seek out those who may need my help. The First Order nurses who I had met previously had decided to stay in the city as I offered them a cottage until they could find work. They all had regained their senses once out of the rule of Ren.

"Is there any word on help from the Senate?" I question Atlas, letting my handmaids relay the train of my dress as we were stopped.

"I'm afraid the results are not as desired. They are too afraid to intervene, worried that Ren will come after them next. The fall of the Republic has hurt them deeply."

Foolish of me to think we had a chance.

"Well I appreciate your attempt anyway General. For now, let's try to help our people as much as possible." I respond humbly.

I go to meet with some of our poorer residents, offering food and advising they stay in their cottages until the First Order is gone. It shook me to my core feeling their energies, it was pure fear.

The General pauses and steps aside as a message comes in from his data pad. A hologram showed up at the press of a button and he was drawn into the conversation. He was concerned, and it showed in his face. He finishes promptly and comes back to me.

"Princess, a General Hux is asking to speak with you where they're based. Are you prepared for this?"

I gulp and let him know that it's okay, I had to submit to their orders. I _literally_ had no choice.

I let my guard fall in line behind me as I'm escorted to where the Finalizer is, the Star Destroyer belonging to Ren. They wasted no time to take up miles of our land, filled with ships and TIE fighters galore. They sure knew how to make an entrance.

Hux is already waiting for me at the base of the destroyer.

"Master Ren is requesting your presence. Come."

They never gave requests, only direct orders. A sign that they never accepted a yes or no answer, you were commanded as such and expected to uphold it.

My guards reluctantly leave me as I trail behind Hux, my feet landing lightly on the hard metal below. Hux was different this time. Slightly relaxed for once. But the closer we came to Kylo's quarters, the more on edge he became. As we reach the entrance guarded by stormtroopers, Hux turns around to face me directly.

"I know what you are and what you're capable of. Don't try anything."

Excuse me? What has Kylo told him? I'm not capable of much but okay, fine by me. Last thing I need is to be cut in half at this point.

As the doors automatically open, the stormtroopers subside and Hux leaves. It's just me now. I gulped staring at what was in front of me. I was met by a long and wide hall that was filled with darkness. The energy lived there, thrived in it. It was nearly suffocating.

As I turn the corner, I'm startled by him. I gasp at the sight.

"How easy it is to frighten you." he says mechanically.

His same black outfit was on, all the many layers with the mask included. Ridiculous thing.

"I wasn't expecting you when I turned the corner." I express, regaining my composure.

I hear another whoosh as his mask comes off. Good god. _What a sight._

"Your thoughts are loud. Too loud."

So now he's going to listen to me? Because I hate his ugly mask? I doubt it.

"I'd rather not keep hearing your insistent comments about it."

"Oh really, you hear everything I say now? I can't even have an inner voice?" I exclaim upset.

"If I could stop listening I would." He says curtly breaking eye contact. I hadn't even realized I had been holding my breath, frantic to uphold the gaze from him that I felt so intensely.

His hair was different now, softer and more tamed, voluminous even. I found myself somehow wishing I could brush my fingers through it.

_Woah._

I've got to get it together, I couldn't keep thinking about him this way. He was a murderer and hated me and hated my people. He had nearly just killed me! 

I attempt to keep my thoughts to myself as he turns and expects me to follow him. I felt small against his gigantic stature. There was no one around and it felt odd being this close to him without him wanting to actively hurt me. 

But then we reach a room.

It was small, desolate and didn't seem to have much purpose. I was beyond confused at my own purpose in being here. Why did he request me here? What did he want from me? Did he seriously want me to go to Snoke?

I stop my overbearing thoughts and take a deep breath. My attention shifted instead to his face as I fiercely gazed upon, letting my eyes wander to his soft skin surrounded by the healing scar. To his flickering eyes and full lips.

I'm mesmerized.

What he is, what is beautiful about him also comes from deep within. Not just looks, even though he has whipped me with the most beauty I'd ever seen from a man. It was something else, something deeper. It made me want to know how his lips feel in a kiss, how his hands follow the curves of my body.

"I told you, you're too loud." He exclaims, forcing me up against the wall.

I hear nothing as his lips slam into mine with a want like no other. His lips are dominating and extremely insistent. They ravish my own at rapid speed as I could feel all his pent up need releasing. It's beyond heated, and wildly feverish as his gloved hand pulls my body closer to him and I give into it. His hand gripping my hip and the other based at the nape of my neck, I think I could stay like this forever. Until he pulls away.

His pupils are wide and staring into mine so concentrated. His breath is ragged as he tries to understand what the hell he just did.

He then becomes rigid to the touch.

"Get out."

"What I-"

"Get out now!" his power consumes him as he forces me out, literally.

What the fuck just happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And alas the romance begins!


	8. Master Yoda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Master Yoda visits you as you struggle to keep your emotions in check around Kylo Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is long but please read it all the way through. It contains very important plot material!

My mind does laps like a racetrack as I constantly replay our kiss. It was all I can think about, I was so infatuated by him. The murderer and the Jedi killer actually kissed _me_. I smiled thinking back at the event, hoping I could see him again soon.

"Princess, your coronation will be happening soon. How do you feel?" said Iylin excitedly.

She was in fact right. It had been close to a month now since the First Order had reign over us, and over a week since I last was around Kylo. Even under their rule, I would become Queen in a matter of a few months. It felt so close but also a lifetime away. My thoughts had been distracted by his arrival.

"I am ecstatic to serve as Queen, thank you Iylin." I reply as she continues the intricate braids. My head was already sore and my headpiece had not yet been put on. This particular one was bejeweled and sparkled like diamonds in our bright sunlight.

My dress had intricate beadwork and was a sunflower yellow. Although in my mind I was still struggling to come to terms with being a princess, my outfits and handmaidens helped to make it more of a reality. Finally after almost two weeks, all my prior injuries were nearly healed. It helped the beautification process immensely.

As Iylin finishes my braids and starts to pin my hair, she turns to face me.

"Princess, have you ever considered relations with General Brayer?" She asked.

Iylin's young face peered up at me innocently. She was genuinely curious, meaning no harm by the question. She was still too young to understand, having the purity of a young teenage mind.

"Yes, I may have considered it once or twice but I believe we are not compatible. He is a kind gentleman of course but-"

"But isn't that what the people want in a king?"

I huff annoyingly. And so the questions would start once more on my need for a king. I in fact did not want a king to rule beside me, only trying to dominate my ruling. I was capable of leading this planet all on my own but people had trouble with that idea. I had never been involved with anyone romantically and I believe a strong leader needed that type of restraint.

"Iylin, I will not have a king, I intend to rule alone."

Although Atlas was honestly king material, it would be to another princess on another planet. He was the kind of friend who you knew through all your childhood and everyone always assumed you were together or that you'd be together one day. I don't believe that day will ever happen for us however.

"Yes Princess, I'm sorry for asking." Her own long French braid swung around her shoulder as she left with the other handmaids after my headpiece was put on and the look was complete.

She wanted a fairytale, the hope of one day our planet being ruled by a happy couple. But that was not going to happen, at least not with me in charge.

Our democratic leadership was still missed by many but I hoped I could make up for it. I knew in my heart that not just Iylin wanted the perfect monarchy. Most of the citizens assumed that when we were switching to this ruling, they would get not just a queen, but a king as well.

I was the chosen one though so it is what it is.

I smooth my hands across my now pinned hair and adjust the headpiece slightly. I grabbed my data pad and left for the other side of the castle where Vera would be waiting for me. As I walk to the grand hall of my castle, my face is glued to my data pad, fingers whizzing insistently on the screen ensuring everything is in order. Or as much as it could be with the First Order's reign.

I'm startled by him, when I turn the corner. We _have_ to stop making this a thing.

"How unexpected to see you here." I grumble nonchalantly as I attempt to keep walking. How dare he come into my castle without my permission. How did he even get in here?

"Your troops minds are weak. It took me minutes to convince them of my...need to enter your premises." His cowl and hood covered his mask.

"Is that so? Explain to me your need to be here then."

I crossed my arms as he circled me, taking in my appearance. He was enthralled by this version of me. The non prisoner, non beaten up, all cleaned up version. I looked truly regal.

"You know why. You can't hide your feelings from me." He says menacingly.

His pace quickens as he's now inches from my face.

"Yes I can." I say angrily, trying to walk away from him. He pulls my arm back, forcing me to regain our former stance but this time using the force to see inside my head. The feeling was violating, knowing he was seeing how much I was infatuated with him.

"Just as I suspected. You can't stay away from me." He says pleased.

"Maybe not but I can try."

"I'd rather you stop trying."

His mask clicks off as he takes it off in seconds.

He kisses me again, this time much more passionately. I needed this kiss, I needed to feel him against me, his warmth. As I go to reach for him, he forces my arm down. He wastes no time however in reaching for my hips to pull me onto the growing heat in his pants.

I was inexperienced with this type of advancement from a man. But it was forgotten of as I found myself grinding against him to meet his bulge, the need too intense for me to ignore.

He nearly chokes out a moan but catches himself almost immediately. He wanted this just as much as I did and I could feel myself giving into him again. His wants, his desires. As he goes to kiss down my neck, I can't hold it in any longer.

"Oh god-shit," He shushes me again with another intense kiss against my lips. I was appalled that I used such language in public. His hands gripped me tightly but I wanted more, I _needed_ more.

"Ben I-"

He stops instantly. His thumbs started to press harshly into my hip bones, as his hold on me grew stronger. He was furious.

"Never call me that again."

His mask was back on in mere seconds as he leaves urgently. It was instinct, I didn't mean to upset him. I grew up with him being Ben and I was still trying to get used to this stupid new name of his, yet he was punishing me for it.

I see Vera walk over to me, as she seems concerned. My guard emerged from behind her as they took their place by my side.

"Hey, you were supposed to meet me a few minutes ago. Are you okay? Your cheeks seem flushed."

I embarrassingly try and rub my hands over my cheeks hoping the redness would fade.

"Yes Vera, I'm fine thank you. Sorry for being late. Please let's go to the sacred grounds."

An untouched forest lingered at the edge of our city. I was grateful that the initial crash happened on the other side of the city away from this piece of land. I had stresses mounting and needed to take a pause to be one with our land.

The walk was long but I greeted my people throughout the city per usual making sure everyone was safe and well while still abiding by the stormtroopers rules. Once I finally reach the destination, I release my guard from their duties and thank them for their accompany.

I go farther into the forest reaching my favorite most sacred spot. It was key to me staying in touch and in balance with the force.

All is calm and silent around me. I was alone but I was at peace, I was content.

In my bliss, a force ghost of Yoda appears to me. I am in disbelief, stunned actually. I had never had such a revolutionary figure in front of me.

"Master Yoda? I thought you were a myth. Aren't you a legend in the Jedi world?"

"Not, a myth I am. One with the force young princess you are."

His small frail body was only supported by his cane as I shift my body over at once so I was in front of him. I still could not believe my eyes, how blessed I felt to have been met by his presence.

"How can I see you right now? I'm not that strong, I am untrained, I thought only Jedi had this capability?"

"Untrained you are but weak you are not. You see me because I want you to see me."

He watches my reaction before continuing on to deliver his message.

"Bring balance to the force, young princess you must. Dangerous indeed, a fallen Jedi is."

"Is this about my-" I clear my throat for a second before continuing, embarrassed that those in touch with the force on the other side had seen our....indiscretions.

"My certain um, meetings with Kylo Ren?" I question unsuspecting, assuming that was the fallen Jedi he was referring to".

"It is indeed. Do you know why Jedi are taught to love not, hmm?"

"Not exactly. My knowledge of the Jedi and the Sith are quite limited Master."

"In the Jedi order, attachment and possession are forbidden. Because lead to jealousy and fear of loss, they can, and ultimately the dark side. For that reason, Jedi are allowed to marry or have said indiscretions not."

I understood that this was supposed to be an educational moment as to why I _shouldn't_ continue doing whatever you call it with Kylo but I couldn't help but read more into this information. This indicated to me that Kylo had not been in tune with his emotions while following the Jedi code.

He had been forcing any feelings of love and attachment away. I assume when he went to the dark side, Snoke only used that to his advantage to shun his family and shut the idea of love out completely. How horribly tragic and sad.

But as I come back to reality, I cast my eyes downward as I feel extreme guilt and shame wash across my face. I knew what we were doing was a mistake, I had known it the second my lips touched his. I didn't want to admit it to myself because I relished in his attention. When the two of us were together... it was just such an incredible intensity. Like fire meeting fire. Knowing we both hated each other yet couldn't stay away.

 _Shut up!_ I tell myself, trying to regain composure again.

"But I am not a Jedi, Master Yoda, neither is Kylo Ren. Not anymore."

"Right you are. The same way with young Skywalker, the late Queen Amidala was. Their indiscretions lead to the worst fallen Jedi the universe has ever seen. Be taken again a risk cannot."

His small eyes looked into mine with such purity and pure light. I knew that he never would've done this unless it was of extreme importance to him and the rest of the Jedi. Which made me feel even more guilty.

"Control your emotions, you must. Snoke has been watching you. Waste no time to use you on the dark side as you submit yourself to young Solo, he will."

What?! I would never submit myself to the dark side of the force! A travesty, a _disgrace_ it would be. I hope the Jedi on the other side saw enough in me to know I would never do such a thing. My heart was still pure and untainted, filled with good intentions. They could see that, couldn't they?

"Irredeemable he is not. Counting on you princess, we are." His small hand laid in mine and I know he could see it. He could see my heart, and see my mind. He knew that I didn't want this and that I was their last hope to bringing back any type of peace in the galaxy again.

"Thank you Master Yoda. I will do my best."

His hand left mind as he disappeared at once. I wanted more, I wanted his guidance to lead me on the right path. But alas, this was up to me to figure out what the hell to do. As was everything else in my life.

If I disobey the Jedi on the other side, I will never forgive myself. I would feel absolutely awful knowing that I disappointed a world of important Jedi watching over me as they were desperate to save their still living Jedi and our galaxies.

But if I reject Kylo and his advances, I don't know what will come of it. It would physically pain me to be away from him knowing that he wanted to see me and be near me too. I mean sure he never actually said that, but I could feel it

I would be throwing it away. Us away. This undeniable connection between us. A person who understands me, that I have wanted for so long and doubt I would ever find again in a lifetime. Something about him was special. How am I capable of abandoning that?

There is no right answer for me. There is no one to give me that definitive answer even though Master Yoda has tried.

He was no good for me. Like poison. But I couldn't stay away. If anything, I craved him more the longer I was away from him. He was intoxicating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to include Yoda, I love him! Hopefully you guys like his addition as well (:


	9. Mind Over Matter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The princess arrives at Emita, a city on the other side of Chandrila that houses their military academy. Speaking with Colonel Akana only helps you to realize that Ben Solo is gone.

They say when you hit your lowest point in life that it is essential for your personal growth. It makes you appreciate the good times so they mean something and impact you.

I call bullshit. 

I had been away from him for three weeks. Three weeks without having him in my mind, without his body near mine. I hated it, every second of it. I knew that I was supposedly doing the right thing but it didn't feel "right". It was torturous.

In such a short amount of time, in such small minuscule encounters with him, I was whipped. I knew that it no doubt was because of my inexperience with men or frankly being with anyone romantically, making me latch on to him but I couldn't help it.

_I miss him._

I have tried to keep myself busy with my duties but it was hard, my mind couldn't focus on anything it should be. I was beyond stressed with the First Order's arrival and was ready for them to go destroy something else so my people and I were left alone. That sounds pretty selfish doesn't it? I knew that my closest companions were starting to pick up on my different antics. I wasn't as open as I was before, requesting more alone time in my quarters. I just wasn't good at my hiding my feelings and would rather stay locked away in my room than spill on my relationship with Kylo, or whatever it is. My eyes were sunken in, dark circles surrounding the bright orbs that once take its place. God on top of no sleep, the stress of the situation was affecting how I physically looked now too.

I had been trying to make contact with the Resistance and was failing. I was starting to lose hope at freeing us from the First Order's reign. It was times like this that I wished so badly that the Jedi Order remained. Luke Skywalker's attempt to train a new generation was not a complete failure at least. There were rumors about new Jedi in the galaxy. That was however not a mystery that I would not be participating in.

I somehow find the courage to get out of my bed for the day and follow a somewhat normal protocol. I do my normal duties, ensuring the people's safety, trying not to upset any stormtroopers, and acting polite towards the First Order. I had learned my lesson about upsetting them the last time I was held prisoner and was not looking to get beat up again. They were always busy at work with engineers working on the Command Shuttle, TIE fighters, and any other ship that they had managed to destroy in the recent month. The stormtroopers were rotated every so often so different ones were on the field at their battle sites.

I had heard rumors about what happened before they landed here. Why Ren was so injured.

While on Starkiller, supposedly the Resistance had intervened with their plans and "the girl" contributed greatly. The one they wanted to destroy so very badly. I had heard Snoke was on another ship, somewhere in the galaxy and I was scared to death of him finding reason to land here.

God, I'm tired of being so scared all the time! It wasn't fair that I'm having to live in fear because some people are so selfish and greedy to want to bring destruction and control to our systems. I can't help but speak down upon the Sith and their evil that still exists.

But with saying that, I also know that "their evil" still includes Kylo despite my hope that the real him still lies within.

My mind aches having to battle my inner self and I knew that I must continue to do what was right. It was simply a situation of mind over matter. I will continue to find duties across the planet and make myself useful and try to control what I'm feeling. I had only kissed him twice, it's no big deal. And no one wants an insecure afraid queen.

I decide to travel to the city of Emita that was on the other side of the planet. My visits had decreased at the arrival of our visitors and I knew I needed to see them at once to help offer my assistance if necessary and receive an update on our military academy.

Prestigious indeed, it was a state of the art academy. Brionelle Memorial Military Academy. Young men from all different planets came to ours to receive this specialized training. That left this particular city of ours, unable to house citizens and become essential priority land for their training.

I arrive to my private cruiser to ask Vican to fly me there. I wanted no one else accompanying me as to steady my mind and focus on my duties. Being around Vera or my handmaids only made me want to confess what had been happening. A stormtrooper tries to stop us but I use the force to suggest the idea that what we were doing was perfectly fine.

He left us alone.

We take off and soar over Hanna city and across the sweeping forests that overtook our land. Beautiful oceans were passed as we continued on to our destination.

When we finally arrived, I realized how desolate the area truly had become. Our military colonels were quite strict with their recruits and I was willing to let them do what they thought was necessary to build strong troops. Especially after our horrendous losses we suffered because of Kylo. The academy was established in the first place to supplement our defense fleet.

"Good afternoon Princess. What brings you to our facility?" spoke Colonel Akana.

"Good afternoon, Colonel. I'm here to oversee the training of our troops as well as ensure everything it still operating properly with the arrival of the First Order."

He led me into their main training facility as a droid assistant took my sapphire blue velvet cloak. I thanked him quietly.

I watched from a bridge with large glass window panels as recruits were training. Blaster training was one of my favorite to watch. 

"Everything is operating normally here Princess. Stormtroopers have visited us but they only gave us orders to not relay any of our trainees. Which we weren't planning on doing anyway after... well you know."

I nodded in agreement and realized that there was no stormtroopers anywhere close to the academy, or inside it. I assumed that the said stormtroopers did not follow General Hux's orders of staying close as they were literally nowhere to be found. How lazy they were. I laughed to myself before following him to the conference room.

Colonel Akana was an interesting inhabitant of ours. He descended from a far away planet that was supposedly much like ours but had far more citizens, billions apparently. He claimed his nationality was Polynesian and that he followed traditions of his people. Despite there being no one else of his kind here, I understood what he meant.

Some of our people thought he was quite strange as he was our only citizen like him but I never judged. He was human at the end of the day, and was a great warrior. He trained our troops diligently and that's all I could ask for.

"Colonel, is there any possibility of us overthrowing them, even putting the trainees out to battle them?"

"Princess it is way too dangerous. You know that. Even by adding our recruits, we would still be outnumbered and we would all die in battle."

I shook my head knowing he was right and that it was only going to prove more difficult to find a way out of this situation. I needed his guidance though, his knowledge lies in this topic.

"Tell me then, what can we do? I'm growing antsy waiting and doing nothing. That's not how our people operate."

We had politicians galore, debates happening everyday, and some of most strong minded people in the galaxy living here. And that's how I was raised too, my brilliance was what got me nominated in the first place. I was just like them and that's what they wanted. But was I really _just_ like them?

"Patience, Princess. They will leave soon enough and will hopefully spare our planet of their wrath since we housed them and showed kindness during their stay. We should be grateful they have not struck us already."

I get out of my chair and go to another window to watch the trainees. They were happy, smiling even though they knew what strain our planet was under. Why couldn't I be like that? My brain was wandering to _him_ even though I was trying to suppress it.

"You knew him didn't you. Ben Solo." I turned to face Colonel Akana as we make eye contact. His eyes are looking anywhere but my face as he rubs his hands together nervously.

"Yes. I knew Han the best however. He liked to have Ben come here and watch our students train. Ben was always such a brilliant young boy, we enjoyed having him here."

"And yet even with all the love of his parents and everyone else here adoring him, he still turned. I just- I don't understand Colonel. Am I the only one not understanding?"

I pace around the lone conference room as I watch his reaction.

"Princess, you are still young. Life is a wonder itself and we all found ourselves questioning where our people faulted in saving Ben."

He approached me gently.

"But the dark side is in his blood. Darth Vader had control of him the second he was born. We had no power in stopping what was inevitable."

Even though this topic made him uncomfortable, he was so wise, intelligent. Trying to find a way to explain it to me without breaking my clearly fragile self or risk bringing up memories of my parents.

"Yes Colonel, you are right. Foolish of me to think that being back home could change him."

"Have faith Princess but understand that he has been on the dark side now for well over ten years. The power he possesses and the control of the dark side over him is too strong. Be careful." He warns me before allowing the droid to come back in with my cloak.

I wrapped it around my neck and thanked him for meeting with me. The meeting confirmed to me what I already knew. Ben wasn't coming back and I needed to accept his status now as Kylo Ren.

As heart wrenching as it was, Colonel Akana knew what was best and I must respect his intellect and advice.

I arrive back to my ship where Vican is waiting and board the ship.

"Colonel. May I take this droid with me? I think he would be of service in the castle. I will bring you a different droid when these times have passed."

"Yes Princess, please be safe on your journey back."

The droid was A7-D1. He attached himself to the top of our ship and we were set on our path back to Hanna.


	10. I’m Yours *Smut*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have sex with Kylo Ren as you lose your virginities to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SMUT WARNING!! This chapter is all smut and includes rough sex. I’m sorry it took so long to have an actual smut chapter but I felt like for it to be realistic, they wouldn’t have sex straight away. Enjoy!

A few days later, I was called upon to go to Kylo's ship. I was anxious, knowing I had done so well staying away from him and now I was forced to see him. I was worried that he had some daunting task for me that I knew I wouldn't be able to do. Something regarding Snoke, perhaps.

As I enter the First Order's premises, the stormtroopers were quick to escort me to Kylo's quarters. I tried to hold my head high still and continue to hold on to the confidence that I had finally managed to develop somewhat.

It was business as usual inside the ship, solemn faced officers and hundreds of stormtroopers preparing for battles in other systems or to continue duty here. I would only lift my eyes for a second to observe what was happening around me and tried to keep my eyes straight ahead, showing no sign of weakness.

"Good luck _Princess_." the stormtroopers said with a laugh before leaving me alone in front of the large metal doors. As I go to approach the keypad to open the door, it whooshes open and I see him.

His cape dragged the ground as he said one word to me and turned his back.

"Come."

I was on his heels and was met by the familiarity of the darkness his quarters held. This time however he did not lead me to the empty room we had been in previously. He took a sharp left turn and we arrived at a different room.

His hand was scanned in on the electronic pad and it lit green at his touch. As the door opened, I was pleasantly surprised. It was a normally furnished room, all black but clean and tidy.

"Is-" I caught my words before letting them all go, not knowing if I'm allowed to talk.

"Is this your room?" I ask quietly, searching for eye contact in the dark black hole of his mask. The door shut closed with the force and his mask was off.

I had my first look at the scar that dashed across his face and down his neck since I saw him last so long ago. It was healing well and made no impact on how breathtaking he was.

His looks were paralyzing. I couldn't turn away from the eyes that now held me. Eyes deep, dark as the night but yet there was something that sparked them with warmth, that kept his eyes from being cold.

"You're my guest." He says in his deep booming voice, the echoing taking effect in how spacious his room was. His gaze left me as he turned his back and took his cowl off.

I wondered how many of the same outfit he had in his closet. Ten? Twenty? It seemed like he always wore the same thing.

He managed to let out a chuckle before tossing his cape to the side as well. He had read my thoughts.

"You have quite a few layers yourself. I suppose you have some more diversity in your clothing choices however." He said lightly, offering me a normal conversation with him.

I laughed under my breath but was left standing there awkwardly and I wrapped my arms around myself to offer some security. It wasn't that I felt unwelcome, but more or so the growing tension filling the room was uncomfortable. And so was that conversation. He was suddenly going to speak to me normally? Like he didn't try to kill me over a month ago? Or that I wasn't someone he hated or that we hadn't seen each other in forever or that-

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted as he turned back to me and kissed me. His hair tickled my cheek as I let my hands finally run through his obsidian locks. He didn't refuse the touch and I found myself more insistent with the kiss, urging my tongue to meet his as the kiss grew more fiery. As his gloved hand reached down past my breasts, I let mine glide down to meet his noticeable bulge.

He broke away from me at once. He paces with his hands tossing and turning nervously.

"I can't do this." He finally said coming back up to me to meet my eyes.

"Why not? I mean, I thought we both wanted this?" I mumbled hoping not to embarrass myself with my urges.

"I do...but I can't. This isn't me." He left again and went back to pacing.

I was seeing a different side to him. A calmer side as I felt the always insistent anger diminish around me. He was communicating with me normally, holding a decent conversation. It wasn't the same stern one word bullshit he had given me before. I was not going to complain as this was all I had really wanted, but this was odd.

"Well can you talk to me? What do you even mean?" I ask.

"I never allow myself to give in to my... needs."

So I was a need? He actually needed me?! Or in actuality needed to sleep with me? His nervous energy grew as he sat down on his bed and mustered out some deep breaths. I pondered as to why this was such a big deal? I thought he did this with most women that caught his eye.

"I don't." He responded to my thoughts.

"I don't do this with any woman, ever."

Huh. The look on my face was certainly one of shock and unsettlement. Well I guess I'm maybe as special to him as he was to me. I still was standing, not knowing whether I would be allowed to try and offer comfort or a listening ear or even able to sit by him.

I slowly decide to go over to him and sit next to him on his bed. He became a stone wall as I came over, rigid at any of the comfort I was trying to offer him.

While still being completely shocked at his virginity, I started to realize how it actually make sense. Like Yoda had told me, Jedi aren't allowed to love and even after he turned, Snoke was always breathing down his neck watching his every move. His only purpose was as Snoke's slave to continue to take over the galaxy. I guess it made sense how sex didn't fit into his duties.

"Look, I don't do this either. I've never even, you know." I comment feeling even more uncomfortable admitting my lack of experience.

The sexual tension in the room was now explosive. Knowing neither him or I wanted to act impulsively, this would have to be a calculated move for each of us.

But we couldn't stop ourselves, our desire was too intense for either one of us to control.

It took one look from him, indicating his acceptance of this, for me to turn around and straddle him. I could feel how hard he was under me and I started to grind against him and let the pleasure take over. He is quick to un-glove his hands so he could feel my body completely and grab onto my hips. I leaned in to kiss him and he met my lips with pure fire.

Our kisses become sloppy as I start to take off my clothes leaving myself in my bra and underwear. I hated my body, every inch of it and I felt myself tense up once my clothes were off.

He stopped kissing me to run his hand across my face and observe my nearly naked body.

"Beautiful."

That was all I needed to hear, all I had been wanted to hear from someone my whole life. His hand reaches behind my back and takes off my bra letting my breasts go. He started to palm them gently while kissing down my neck and onto my collar bone.

But then it flipped.

His actions started to become rougher, harder, and more demanding as he took my nipples between his fingers and pinched them roughly.

It kind of turned me on though and I let my hands follow his pants to release his hard cock.

It swung up abruptly and I was stunned at his size. He was massive. The veins popped out as his tip leaked with precum. I gulped considerately knowing I was going to have to take his size with how tight I was.

His hands move down my stomach and to my underwear as he rips them down my legs. All my insecurities were now on the table.

"You submit to me and me only, understand?" He said harshly in my ear before grabbing my thighs back on top of him to let me really feel his length.

I was dripping wet and my thighs went weak feeling his cock so close to my needy pussy. I let out a moan at the touch and found him struggling to keep his pleasure at bay too.

"Yes," I said breathily "Yes, **sir**."

"God you're so wet." He said letting his fingers trace my pussy as I buckled at the touch.

He switched our position so I was now fully laid out on the bed, my fingers itching to relieve the pressure growing down below.

He slid me down to the edge so his hips could meet mine. He grabbed my hips to steady himself as he began to slowly put his dick in. My walls were stretching with every inch that went in and the pain was almost too much.

"Fuck, you're so tight." he said before pulling out to reinsert again. I felt tears at the corner of my eyes, he was too big.

He didn't notice until after he reinserted himself that I was in so much pain. He saw how I winced and was concerned. He grappled with his emotions as he never let himself feel care or compassion for anyone. He was vulnerable though, having never done this before and knew he was already letting his impulses get the best of him. He wouldn't cave into letting himself feel anything for me.

He disregarded my pain and I just told myself that I knew it would get better.

His strokes slowly got faster as I was able to take more in with each time. Pain slowly but surely turned to pleasure.

"God you feel so good." I finally mustered out, the pain subsiding.

He took this as a sign to start going harder, his pent up needs and anger really starting to show. He starts ramming into me with such intensity, I'm about to see stars.

"You're my little slut aren't you _Princess_?" His tone demanding as I feel my pussy getting absolutely destroyed.

"Yes sir, anything for you!" I said moaning, feeling only pleasure now as he was balls deep inside me. Sweat was dripping down his forehead and his strokes grew more persistent.

His hands wrap around my throat and I'm met with the memory of when he almost killed me. It was now long forgotten of as his grip tightening around my airways only turned him on more and made his attraction grow.

My hand reached down to start rubbing my clit, feeling the pressure growing as I was going to cum soon. My hand is paralyzed as the force surrenders me to it.

I'm instead met with the most strange feeling of the force at my clit, circling it, putting pressure on it and I gasp at the feeling. My eyes roll back and my back arches harshly as I knew I was about to orgasm.

"Fuck that's so hot." He said releasing me from his chokehold and was now holding my hip bones down roughly. All his moves were now rough, merciless, urgent. He didn't know how to handle his urges, anger was all he knew and he unknowingly was releasing a lot of his anger on to me.

"Tell me who you belong to!" He screams, making my eyes open back up to meet his.

"I'm yours sir, only yours."

"Cum for me _Princess_."

The force was now violently at my clit, ruthlessly swirling around it making it throb.

"Fuck Kylo I'm going to cum!"

I start to gasp for breath as I'm pushed over the edge and start to orgasm.

"Yes Kylo, FUCK I'm yours," I scream. My legs shake as I try to catch my breath and fully submit myself to the pleasure.

Growls were at the back of his throat as he holds my legs up now to angle himself even harsher and becomes animalistic in his final strokes.

"Fuck yes, **fuck**!"

His moans are now howling through his quarters as his cum seeps into me. I feel it leaking into my wrecked pussy as he tries to catch his breath.

As he takes his dick out, his fingers are inside me and I wince at the foreign feeling. He takes them out and brings them to my mouth.

"Suck on it."

I gladly take his fingers in my mouth and suck off his cum liking the salty taste. As I gripped his hand I felt just how large it was against mine and the veins that made waves across his hands.

He puts his now soft member back in his pants as he lays down next to me and we both try and come down from our high.

I have never came so hard before in my life, it was the best feeling in the world. But the pain mixed in was overwhelming. I could already feel how sore I was.

Kylo is silent as he lies there and I finally sit up to go grab my clothes that scattered the room.

"You're not going to stay?" He asked, almost hurt by my actions.

"I didn't think you'd want me to?" I said quietly as I started to redress.

It was by far the most amazing night of my life and all I wanted was to be closer to him, in his arms and by his chest as I slept next to him but I know I can't.

"Why can't you?" He questioned softly, hearing my thoughts with such ease.

"Honestly? Because I can't handle any rejection from you after what just happened." I say truthfully, finally turning around to look at him in the face. My feelings for him only grew stronger and more intense after tonight and I knew the reality of our situation.

"Please stay. Come lay down." He said as a demand and not a request. I sigh and walk back over knowing that this overall was what I wanted, despite me knowing better.

I melt into the warmth from his body as he pulls the covers over us. It truly felt like the world had stopped turning with me in his arms. His body was like a security blanket and I found myself intertwining my legs with his wanting more physical contact.

He didn't refuse any of it and I knew he was starved of it too. I finally let sleep wash over me as I felt unparalleled safety and contentment in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow that was intense. I hope you understand why I took the approach of Kylo being so rough. I think that he would have so much pent up sexual frustration over the past years that it would come out violently. Thank you for your continued support!


	11. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The unintentional pain Kylo caused during your first time is now felt widespread the next morning. Captain Phasma also enjoys hurting you while you’re already down.

When I awoke that morning he was gone. His room felt colder without him in it somehow. This was what I was afraid of if I stayed, I knew he couldn't commit and I would be left hurt.

Even though it hurt me mentally, my body was in more pain. My body ached in more than one place and I honestly couldn't move. My thighs were covered in bruises, my hip bones already purple from how rough and barbaric his hands were on my body. My neck had bruising seemingly at the same spots that had finally just healed.

I thought he was starting to open up to me, that he would do away with the violence he initially enacted on me as we continued our time together.

_He didn't do it on purpose._

I remind myself. He had never even had sex before, of course he didn't know how to handle his emotions during it. I mean sure the anger was probably the worst way to handle it but that's all he knew.

_Stop defending him!_

My inner monologue stopped with the reminder of my destroyed vagina. Holy shit did it hurt. I pulled the covers off and tried to gingerly touch it but I pulled my hand back immediately, wincing in pain.

Good lord.

I knew he was big and it would hurt a little bit but his size absolutely ruined me. It was the most pain out of anything. It ached any time I moved slightly and I was left with stinging pain. I really didn't think it would hurt this bad. Isn't your first time supposed to be enjoyable? Or was that just a rumor? Maybe it wasn't supposed to hurt like this.

I couldn't stay here though. I didn't know where Kylo was and really didn't care, I just wanted relief and to be in my own bed. As much pain as I was feeling, I had to just get up and do this. I could hide the pain, right? I'd just have to pass a few stormtroopers and everything would be fine.

The pain was nearly unbearable as I stood up. I find the strength to persevere anyways and pull on my dress and cloak as gently as possible. I knew that he did not mean to cause me this much pain, it was unintentional. That was something I couldn't argue over.

But it didn't change how much it hurt.

I limp my way out of his quarters and find the ship busier than usual, perhaps even a little chaotic. Although it normally would have caught my attention more, I needed to get out of here and their busyness would help to distract.

I knew that the pain would only amplify the longer I was walking so I pushed through and tried to stumble out of his ship as fast as possible without drawing as much attention to myself. The stormtroopers were happy to mind their own business as they didn't want to upset their Commander.

Captain Phasma however was a different story.

"You. What are you doing here?" She accused while patrolling the corridors I was in.

"Nothing, I'm leaving." I respond quickly trying to hurry on my way.

"I don't think so." Her blaster was across my chest as she stopped me midway. A ruthless metal kick to my shin and I was doubled over in pain. The pain was now radiating all over my body as one of the only parts Kylo hadn't bruised now felt nearly broken. This pain was immeasurable, I had no doubt that my leg was at least minimally fractured.

I use all my might to get the hell out of his ship and I try my best to put a brave face on in front of our guard and General Brayer that were just across the field. It seemed miles from me, I couldn't walk all the way over there like this. I dropped to the floor and all of the guard rush over like mad to come assist me. Atlas quickly caught on to me being in immense pain and was at my side in an instant.

"Hey, are you okay? What happened to you in there?" He asked worried, trying to support my weight and help me up.

"Nothing, I'm fine General." I try to say, knowing that absolutely no one believed me.

"Seriously it's okay, you can tell me." He said as he dropped his professionalism.

"I said I'm fine Atlas just let it go." I insist. He finally leaves it be as his arm wraps around me and he helps me up all the way, supporting my dead weight. I limp my way through the field, dying in pain.

My body carried itself to the edge of the castle until I stopped, I couldn't do it anymore. My vagina was literally throbbing in pain and my leg had such intense trauma from that bitch's metal kick, I was sure at this point it was broken. This much movement was doing me in, I couldn't handle it.

"Atlas I can't, I can't walk anymore." I cry, my voice breaking. His electric blue eyes pierced mine before he picks me up completely and I go limp in his arms. I was surprised by his strength and relaxed into his grip.

As I leaned my head over his shoulder I could see the scene we were walking away from. In my pain fest, Kylo had come back and even from this far away, his eyes were following Atlas' every step. I saw his fists roll into balls as he pulls out his lightsaber and starts demanding his officers for information. My departure really upset him this much? Or was it the whole collapsing ordeal?

I couldn't stand to look at him so angry and turned my face back into Atlas' chest.   
  


I woke up with a nurse by my bedside and my leg braced. I tried to move it and was met by her hand stopping my action.

"No movement Princess please. We ran X-rays on your leg and your fibula is fractured. You must stay on bed rest."

I gladly accepted her request and snuggle deeper into my covers. I couldn't help but be brought back to the last time I was on bed rest after Kylo knocked me unconscious, this feeling of defeat against the First Order all too familiar.

"I've given you some pain medication and will be in every few hours to administer more." The nurse said before leaving. That must be why I feel so much better, I had been dosed up. It was only after a moment that I realized Atlas was by my bedside as well.

"Hey, you don't have to stay here. You have more important things to worry about." I told him softly, rubbing my eyes knowing sleep would soon take over me again.

"No, I'm staying. You've had more injuries since they've been here than in my entire lifetime of knowing you. I won't leave your side."

His eyes glanced at my neck before he looked away abruptly clearing his throat, feeling like he was caught looking at something he shouldn't.

"I appreciate it Atlas but this is I guess my life now. We both just need to accept that."

"No, that's ridiculous," He scoffs. "He's doing all these horrific things to you, and we all just have to sit back and watch?"

I found myself angered by his words, offended that he would accuse Kylo of doing this to me.

"Don't say things like that. It's the ones working for him that hurt me, he wouldn't-"

"He wouldn't what? Hurt you? That's all he's done since he's been here, do you even hear yourself? What is he doing to you?"

He got up abruptly and held his head in his hands. He himself was upset but was keeping it controlled for my sake. His forehead wrinkled with his eye brows furrowed.

"I'm trying to keep you safe okay? And you're making that really hard to do."

"It's not that simple! What do you think will happen to me if I don't go when they tell me to go? I'll end up even worse than I am now." I respond distressed.

"Anything worse than this? My god, anything worse than this and you'll be dead! Do you hear me?! You literally couldn't even walk when you came out of their ship. And you tried to defend the person who did this most to you!"

Restless and fidgety, the conversation was only aggravating me more. I couldn't believe how simple and easy he thought this all was, that I could say no to them. It just wasn't like that. I was the one who decided to sleep with Kylo, and now I'm suffering the consequences.

What the hell had gotten into Atlas talking to me like that anyways? With his professionalism dropped for once, he was showing how truly frustrated he was with my actions. He was so outspoken, methodical, and high strung. I didn't really like it.

"Atlas, I promise you I will try harder but you have to let it go for right now. I'll stay in here until I'm healed a little more so the people won't know. Don't say anything to anyone."

He sighed knowing he had to take my orders and walked back up to the side of my bed. I felt his energy return to it's usual calmer self as he softened up.

"Okay. Please just get some rest and be careful." His hand snaked around to my long braided hair touching it gently before leaving.

I was left now with too many thoughts and an overload of information, what was new. I wanted another dose of pain meds to knock me out so I can forget any of this ever happening to me. To forget him. The look in his topaz eyes while he was hovered over me was now etched in my memory even though I begged myself to forget. The memories of his lustrous lips that gave me the most euphoric and blissful feeling needed to be thrown away.

I couldn't keep doing this.


	12. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vera reveals that General Atlas Brayer has been refusing Kylo’s requests to see you. Kylo lets a wall down with you.

It had been almost a week since the incident and I was finally starting to make some improvement. My leg was healing as it should and the bruises had started to turn yellow and fade across my body. I still hadn't seen Kylo but assumed at this point that he was done with me after he got what he wanted. It felt like more time was being spent sequestered in my room than with my people but it felt right. It's not like I could do much with our circumstances right now anyways.

But I also couldn't stay away forever. I would have my leg braced for weeks while it healed and I would have to see my people before then. I presume it could be easily hidden with a long cape and thick dress. But I didn't want to jeopardize my health anymore and going outside again was risking rubbing one of the First Order the wrong way.

Today I had managed to get out of my bed all by myself however, a small victory indeed. I had my handmaids come in already and fix my bedding as well as help me with my tangled hair. Iylin had spent extra time this morning making it stick straight before sleeking it back in to a uniform ponytail.

Vera gave a small knock at my door before entering.

"Good afternoon Princess! Tell me, how're you feeling?"

"I'm doing okay, thank you for that enthusiasm." I say with a laugh, enamored by her upbeat personality. She was trying her best to bring me some type of joy while locked away up here and I was grateful for it.

"Well I brought your data pad. The outer rim of the planet seems to now have stormtroopers stationed throughout to make sure no ships get in."

"Why does that not surprise me. Anything else?"

"Yes, but you won't like it." She bit her lip as she tugged at the hem of her dress anxiously. It appeared that she had been wrestling with telling me for quite some time.

"So...Kylo Ren has been trying to make contact with us during your um healing? And General Brayer keeps refusing it."

 ** _What?!_** I was flabbergasted and furious. He had been trying to see me this whole time?! I thought he just slept with me and dumped me or that he didn't care enough to see me again, he had got what he wanted.

That sick feeling I've had in my stomach this whole time, knowing he gave up on anything we could've had could have been prevented. I was pissed.

"Why did no one tell me this sooner?!" I exclaim outraged.

"General Brayer asked us not to, he didn't want to upset you madam."

"Get him to my room _now_."

She said nothing and quickly hushed the remaining handmaidens out of my room. I could not believe how angry I was. The feeling of rejection was inevitable from Kylo but I'd rather him at least talk to me about it instead of leaving me out to dry. No one deserves that.

Atlas entered the room confused, assuming Vera had warned him before he came in at how angry I was.

"Hey, is something wrong?" He asked coyly as he hovered by my door.

"Is something wrong? IS SOMETHING WRONG?! Do you realize what you've done Atlas?" I yell.

"Um... no? What are you talking about?"

So he was going to play stupid huh. Not cute.

"Vera just told me that you've been refusing Kylo Ren at our entrance. And you've been making everyone keep it a big secret from me."

"Yes? What's wrong with that? I mean besides keeping it a secret which I was only doing to keep you calm while you healed."

"I want to see him Atlas! That's what's wrong! I've been waiting here for days wanting to see him and I can't get out of this damn bed to do it myself!"

"I don't understand. Why would you want to see him? I think it's common sense to keep him out of the castle Princess."

"You don't decide that Atlas, I do! It doesn't matter why I want to see him."

He scoffs, offended that I wouldn't tell him why.

"I think it does! My job is to ensure everyone's safety and you want a murderer in our castle? What has gotten into you? You do realize he almost killed you twice right? Or is it three times now?"

"Mind your fucking business Atlas, okay? Is that spelling it out clear enough for you?"

He took a step back, not only surprised at my language but upset that I was acting this way towards him.

"Look I don't know what he's done to your mind or convinced you of, but you have a planet to lead. Are you forgetting that they held you prisoner and beat you? Or that Ren himself literally choked you into unconsciousness and has bruised your entire body?"

"I never said that, stop putting words in my mouth."

"Well it seems like you've forgotten but we haven't. This entire planet wants him dead. Once Colonel Akana has enough troops ready we'll take care of things. You have a job to do and so do I."

Before walking out the door he turned back to give me the last final blow.

"Don't let yourself get attached. Look at yourself in the mirror. Then try and tell me again as to why I should let him in."

I couldn't deny what he was saying, everything he was throwing in my face was just the facts. But Kylo had been different with me, he had started opening up. Things could change, couldn't they? Why couldn't anyone else just see the side of Kylo that I had seen, that was normal?

I guess that was a consequence of being into a man like him who had a reputation to uphold. The only type of kindness or openness he would show would be in private or none at all, end of story. I should be grateful I got what I did honestly. Sigh.

But poor Atlas. I know that fight was stemming from how much he cares about me but there was always something more from him. If I was being honest I knew in my heart that he cared for me immensely and my injuries and his emotions toward it were overriding his logical side.

The feelings however were not mutual.

I let out a huff of annoyance and pull the sheets over my head. I hated fighting with anyone. I'm no good at confrontation! Grumbling angrily, I kick off all the covers.Wrapped up in my own thoughts, I realize now there was an overwhelming darkness thick and pervasive as it waited outside my door.

Of course he had to be here now after all my groveling over him. I had been feeling his presence outside the whole time and hadn't been acknowledging how it was lingering, waiting for every word I spoke inside my mind.

Or how he listened to every painful part of that fight and my analysis of Atlas' feelings for me... and my feelings for _him_.

He somehow had found the restraint not to come inside and I was pleasantly surprised at his self control. I assumed he'd finally managed to get inside the castle with Atlas called away.

"You can come in you know." I finally say in a matter of fact tone, knowing he was just outside.

Kylo entered right after, mask in hand and an expression on his face that I'd never seen before. Perhaps it was sadness or hurt? Maybe even fear?

I then realized it was a mix of all three.

He slowly walked over to my bedside, eyes tracing my body as I was wearing less constricting and comfortable clothing. My injuries were on full display.

As he opened his mouth to speak, nothing came out. He was literally at a loss of words.

"Did...did I do this to you?" He whispered, chin trembling as he already knew the truth.

"Yes, but it was an accident. I know you didn't mean to-" I said quickly following, trying to ensure to him that I was okay and I knew he didn't mean to.

"No. I did this to you, I-I don't I-"

His words trailed off as he grappled with his emotions, fearing tears would soon follow if he allowed himself to succumb to their requests. I could see the conflict inside him, eating away every minute. I finally understood.

He was broken.

Like _really_ really broken. That fear and conflict and sadness and hurt, it all was contributing to this never ending pain I saw in Kylo. This man was truly broken.

He was standing in front of me, a shell of a man, with his heart in his hands. It didn't matter to me what was showing on his exterior because I could feel what was happening inside. This battle inside of him was ever going, constantly nagging him every waking moment. He was suffering.

It explained as to why he was so casual about choking me just a short time ago, and was now at war with himself for bruising me again. His emotions had grown for me and in its place were feelings, true feelings for a woman.

His eyes were like pools of honey as they remained glued to every bruise he left on me. When he sees my leg he halts himself. I saw a confused expression come up on his face.

"It was Phasma if you were wondering." I answer, knowing what he must've been thinking.

That fiery pit of rage was growing inside him yet again and I caught a pattern in him.

Every time his emotions start to overwhelm him, he flips the switch and lets it turns to anger. Even if there's nothing to be mad about, he'd rather have an excuse to be furious and destroy things than handle what he's feeling.

"I know, I already took care of it. I just didn't know it was _this_ bad."

"Okay, what does that mean? You know what don't even try to explain-"

"I killed her."

My mouth gaped open at his confession. The words flowed out so easily like he didn't have a second thought about what he did. He actually killed Phasma because of what she did to me?

"Yes I did."

"Kylo, you don't just kill someone for hurting me." I say distraught, trying to explain the thoughts swirling in my head as I try to come to terms with his actions.

"She hurt you." He responded plainly, as if the answer was so clear and obvious to him.

His face was solemn as he stood there towering over me. This fine line of how he cared for me was something so complex. It was a complete gray area, an anomaly of his life. He knew he had hurt me himself, actually near killed me that one time. Yet the thought of her doing it this time around suddenly stirred him up. If I was confused, I know he had to be too.

His eyes flickered to mine and I saw a different, softer look to them. We just sat in silence as the tension in the air was abundant. I knew that there had to be a hundred different thoughts paining his psyche right now and I didn't know how to help.

"Do you want to stay?" I eventually asked, seeing that his vulnerable side was making an appearance. I wanted him to say yes so badly, I was craving just being close to him.

He said nothing and dropped his mask on the ground. He was in all of his black clothing and cape and cowl but it didn't matter. The second he climbed in the bed, I was quick to press my body to his. I needed his warmth and stability desperately. He was beyond uncomfortable in this situation, him in someone else's bed, but slowly he was relaxing in to it.

I snuggled closer into his body until I found the perfect position and sighed contently. My pain medication made me sleepy and I had yet to rest with him and Atlas' commotion.

Kylo kissed my forehead the most gentle I'd ever seen him as if I would break. He let his arm wrap around my waist and stroked my face softly. I doubted he would fall asleep but knew he was satisfied and fulfilled just having me in his arms.

He was so vulnerable.

So sad.

So broken.

But every single step he made was an improvement. I knew he was trying now, really trying to figure out whatever we were and deal with his feelings surrounding it. But I was okay with that. If he was putting in the effort then that's all that mattered to me.

I was finally at peace as I went to sleep in his arms.


	13. Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You revalue your feelings for Kylo as you lay in bed with him and try to get more intimate.

I woke up suddenly to his hands securely fastened around my waist. He was clenching on tight, afraid that if he let go for even a second he would lose me. I was small under his grip but felt so safe.

I turned my body so I was facing towards him. I watched as his soft black eyelashes fluttered gently as movement was evident from beyond his eyelids. His lip twitched for a millisecond before he relaxed again and his body seemed at peace.

I was quite shocked he had allowed himself to fall asleep here, somewhere so foreign and unusual for him. But he was tired. His brain was tired of all the conflicting thoughts that never left him and the pressure of his status in the First Order. Everything in him ached and the feeling of relief I brought him was imperative to his well being.

I looked at the time and realized night would fall soon over the city. I slowly inched towards my data pad to tell Vera to not let anyone in my quarters for the rest of the night. Every second that Kylo was here I wanted to enjoy.

I knew that before I know it he would be gone again and I would have to go days or weeks before I'd even see him again. I never questioned where he would go for so long or who he was seeing, it wasn't my place.

But I couldn't help but wonder. That girl was always in the back of my mind, the one that he hated so much. I constantly found myself wondering if that's who he was going to see or if that's who was taking up all his time and effort. It was ridiculous that I was so enamored with this man that I started to become jealous!

But he was _mine_. At least I wanted him to be.

Frankly, from anyone else's perspectives, we were just some sad and lonely individuals who clung to each other fiercely. It was profound what we had managed to build between the two of us through the web of hatred, anger, and misery. Our relationship was laced with so much more than that now. The butterflies I felt when I thought about him, my heart about to beat out of my chest every time I even caught a glimpse of him. The most amazing feeling being felt by him, every inch of my body being explored by his strong hands. Nothing could compare to it, to just being around him.

I put my data pad back on the table and rolled back over into his embrace. He sighed deeply before trying to pull me closer to him. In his most vulnerable states, I trusted him to not hurt me as I tried to grow closer to him. I let my finger trace his jawline ever so slightly.

I felt the soft stubble underneath and his ungloved hand came up to meet mine before he dragged it away from his face slowly. I knew that he had intimacy issues for obvious reasons but every step I made was progress. I never thought when he first landed here and was half dead that anything would come of this, even with my captivation of his beauty at first glance. He clearly never thought anything would either, he viewed me as just another enemy and object in his way.

But things were changing.

His eyes opened slightly to look at me, just for a few seconds, but I was already lost in them. It felt like time was suspended, that our planet was simply a speck in the galaxy as everything became about him.

This was more than just lust, we both knew that. I'd never felt like this about anyone in my entire life. Every time I saw him, I was reminded of the young boy who released our beautiful blue butterflies and would spend his days in the sun with his father. That person was still inside him, just buried so deep inside.

Even if that person was truly gone, I don't think it would matter. He was simply everything.

Just everything.

Every morning I woke up, he was my first thought. Every second I was away from him, he was always on my mind. His previously intimidating and frightening presence had slowly turned into something more. Something so fragile, and so uncertain but so real. I was instantly relieved when I felt him around, letting the darkness cover me like a warm blanket. These feelings were inevitable.

"You really feel that way?" He managed to stutter out nearly unintelligibly. His voice was groggy, layered with sleep but he had been urgently digging through my mind and sleep filled thoughts.

"Yes." I say honestly.

He gave a hint of a smile, one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen on him. He was truly content, on the edge of happiness even, knowing how I felt about him.

I could tell that he was giving into his emotions and letting himself feel for the first time in his life. Feel more than anger, and sadness, and hurt. He was able to feel joy, desire, passion. It all seemed unnatural to him, actually letting his mind be free from all the trauma and pain for even such a short time. I could not believe that I was having the privilege of watching his walls fall down right in front of me.

I just laid there silently and stared at him.

There was no tension, no building pressure or anxiousness. The room was just calm, peaceful. I knew that I wanted to fall asleep back into his arms but I was also craving this intimacy with him so badly. I felt weird making any first moves, like I had to be so careful as to not go too far and risk any progress we had made.

But I couldn't resist with him so close to me.

I pulled the covers more over us and turned my body so my back was now up against him. I slid as close as possible to feel his large frame against my small one. His arm instinctively went to drape over me and hold closer to my stomach. With his gloves off, I now had the opportunity to really test the waters.

I let my hand wander under the covers until it found his that was leaning across my abdomen. He flinched at the touch and started to move his hand away from mine. I caught it before he could move it far and let my fingers intertwine with his.

His hands were rough, his palms held just a tad of sweat from his many layers that he was still covered in. But the closeness between us now was immeasurable. It felt as though we were inseparable.

The reality of our situation was at the back of my mind, taunting me for being so happy but it felt like nothing else existed in this moment.

Just pure bliss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took so long to put out and is so short! I’m sorry it’s just a filler but things will get saucier soon (:


	14. So what are we? *SMUT+FLUFF*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wearing a revealing dress, you and Kylo have sex again before sharing another extremely personal moment as his walls are let down around you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter is very long and contains smut! Please read the ENTIRE chapter as after the smut, there is very plot heavy intimate material!

My happiness came to an end the next morning. He awoke and left within minutes. Any words I tried to muster out wouldn't have made him stay. Something had happened, something he felt.

I was left alone again but was now left with the sweet memories of our intimacy together. It felt so right, so beautiful even though I knew what kind of monster he was.

I yawned and slowly pulled myself out of my bed and let the nurse re-brace my leg. It was stiff and sore but it was healing at least.

A few handmaids came in and we exchanged our morning pleasantries. They undid my ponytail left by Iylin and created two french braids they wrapped around my head.

Iylin helped and fetched a few small flowers from my garden that were white and dainty. She inserted them gently into my now pinned braids and went to the front of me.

"You look beautiful madam." She said kindly, her childlike gaze upon me. She dashed a bit of blush on my cheeks and a little eye makeup as she covered the faint bits of bruising left by Kylo. They were nearly healed thankfully.

"Tell me Princess, what would you like to wear today?"

We walked together to my closet as we went through my different dresses. I wanted something that would catch his eye. I picked a gold silk gown that was form fitted and thin. It draped across my body with the sleeves falling off my shoulders. I turned back around to face Iylin.

"I love it! You look gorgeous. Is this for...Atlas?" Iylin teased giving me a hinting smile. I laugh awkwardly as I played it off.

"Let's not go there Iylin. Sometimes you like to look nice for yourself."

It hid my leg actually pretty well and I was ready to stop hiding in my room. It also did just so happen to make me look slightly, sexy? I hated using that word but at the same time after all my days spent cooped up in the castle, I wanted something to make everyone stare. I also needed to straighten things out with Atlas, I had been kicking myself that we fought.

I practiced walking in my brace for a minute to get a normal gait settled. Comfortable with the walk, I left my quarters at 1100 hours.

I saw Atlas at the bottom of the castle with some of the other generals. As I approached him his eyes grew wide.

"Prin-" He coughed awkwardly as his voice squeaked.

"Princess, what-what can we do for you?" He finally got out. His eyes lingered on my body and his cheeks burned red when I noticed his stares.

"I just wanted to make sure we're okay. I'm sorry for fighting with you."

My arms crossed across my chest to hide my breasts as his eyes looked down for a brief second before looking up again.

"Yes of course we're fine."

I glanced over at the First Order ships for a second and saw _him_. He was on duty giving commands to the stormtroopers at the Finalizer.

I forced myself to look away and keep my eyes on Atlas. I let out a short breath and kept my focus on our conversation.

"Okay good, I just wanted to make sure. I hate fighting with you. I love you Atty."

I gave him a short hug, it lasted barely five seconds. But Kylo's eyes were glued to us. Even from how far he was, I had no doubt that I caught his attention. I knew he was watching and was almost wanting to see what kind of a reaction it would stir in him.

Shockingly enough, I felt Atlas' boner when I hugged him and made myself think about it so Kylo would know. If he was so insistent on listening to my thoughts all the time then he'll have fun with this.

That was absolutely it for him.

Kylo was marching over, furiously taking every step with his fists clenched. Even with his fists closed, I could see how hard his hands were shaking with how angry he was.

Atlas noticed the sudden march of Ren and as his nervous energy picked up, he placed his arm instinctively wrapped around my waist, a protective move as he clasped onto my barely clothed body. He cleared his throat and stood straighter with his shoulders pushed back. He was scared of Kylo.

Every stormtrooper Kylo passed straightened up immediately, his anger being too intimidating for even his own people.

When Kylo finally reached me the anger was about to boil over.

"You."

It was the only word he could get out as he loomed over me, his size only frightening Atlas beside me. He was staring straight into me but I was calm, I knew who he was under all that and I wasn't intimidated. Especially with the last night we spent together.

He gripped my wrist tightly as I was ripped from Atlas' grasp. I was led behind him like a dog on a leash as the stormtroopers gawked at me. I let my mind wonder to when that very hand was intertwined with my own last night and nearly giggled.

I kept a straight face as he took me into the Finalizer and dropped my wrist as he had me follow him into an obscure corridor.

"You're such a fucking tease." He whispered ripping his mask off and grabbing my neck as I'm pulled into a kiss with him. A messy, heated, incredible kiss that was filled with so much need and want.

His hands grabbed onto my waist before he slid one into my dress. I was quite obviously not wearing a bra and he was pleasantly surprised to have this free of reign with my bare breasts.

"Did you do this for me?" He questioned smiling before palming my breast and letting his fingers grip and tug at my nipple.

I moan through our now intense make out session.

"Yes sir." I respond letting my own hands work down his body as I tried to get under some of his layers. I was unsuccessful.

"Tell me who you belong to." He demanded.

"You, only you."

He removed his hands from the top of my dress as he went underneath to try and insert his fingers in me. My eyes went wide as I was so unused to that type of feeling or pleasure.

Kylo started to kiss my neck sloppily, knowing he had to be careful not to leave too harsh of a hickey.

His fingers slowly went in and out as I made myself relax into it. It was amazing.

A loud noise was met by the door beside us and Kylo went stiff as his mask was back on in seconds. The noise stopped and I was angrily left turned on and unfinished.

"My room. In 10 minutes. And never do that again." His finger was jabbed at my face as he commanded me. He was referring to the thoughts of Atlas he was met with when he read my mind. He was still incredibly angry that he had to even acknowledge that I acknowledged Atlas' very noticeable bulge caused by me.

As Kylo walked away I fixed my dress and my hair. Confidence was now key in remaining unnoticed in the Finalizer.

I tried to remember where his quarters were and held my head high as I had to walk through a crowded section of the ship.

"Look at that." A stormtrooper laughed while talking to another stormtrooper beside him.

"Who knew the little pure princess was such a _whore_."

I felt my heart sink as I tried to keep walking with at least a tiny bit of confidence. I understood that my dress was maybe a little revealing but the sexism in this galaxy was astounding sometimes. I was glad Kylo wasn't around or else that trooper would've gotten chopped in half for making such an insensitive comment.

I finally got to Kylo's quarters and was met by the entry pad. Was I supposed to wait for him so he could do it? I figured it wouldn't hurt to try my own hand.

I pressed it against the pad and was surprised when it lit green. I decided not to question it and was in his room exactly 10 minutes later. I waited for only a few minutes before I felt him outside the room.

The door shut behind him as he entered and I very quickly sprawled my body across the bed for his viewing. I leaned down with my ass on full display for him. The mask was already forgotten of as he raked my body over with his eyes and bit his lip.

"I'm going to eat you alive" he whispered breathily in my ear as he bit down on it. The gooosebumps I felt on my skin were felt with just a brisk touch. His fingertips glided across my collarbone so softly as if I was the most delicate flower he'd ever seen.

I knew him though. I knew what was coming.

His lips grazed the skin on my neck as he latched on and began to leave a sweet bruised mark. My dress slid off me as he was urgently removing his own clothes.

He moved down slowly to my breasts as he grasped them slowly and started to twist on my right nipple. I moaned with pleasure.

"Is that how you like it? You like teasing me like a little _slut_?"

He moved his lips down from my neck and started to swirl his tongue around my nipple as I grasped the back of his waves and pulled slightly. The word was offensive but strangely felt right coming from him. It was just a word.

My breast was now tender and ached for more as he moved his mouth away from it. He started to move down my body when I stopped him.

"My turn." I say with a smirk. I flipped him to where I had been which was very difficult considering his stature. He was shocked but extremely turned on at my dominance.

I immediately raked my nails down his chiseled stomach and felt over his clothed bulge. I grabbed onto his thick length and pulled it out. I run my finger over the tip that was dripping with precum. His hips bucked up at just my touch.

"Fuck-I" He bites his tongue trying to quiet his moans.

I keep eye contact with him as I inch myself down towards his hard cock and start to bob my head on it, letting it hit the back of my throat every time, gagging on it. He was surprised to see me take this type of initiative. He had never had his cock sucked on before. He pushes my head down and makes me take it deeper, faster.

"God-fuck."

He bit down on his lip harshly trying to control himself but I saw his eyes about to roll back in his head. I continued to let him force my head down letting his cock ram the back of my throat.

"You're so good Princess."

I didn't know what I was doing but I was so turned on by his pleasure. I could tell he was going to cum if I kept doing this.

I started to suck faster and let my tongue lick the top of his head before having my hands groping up and down his shaft. He grabbed my hair and took a fistful of it to see my face better.

"Shit- I'm going to-FUCK"

I moved my mouth away while his cum shot all over my face and dripped down my neck. He looked enchanted by my face covered in his seed.

He gave me only a few seconds to wipe off before he had me on my back. He opened my legs and his mouth hungrily latched on to my clit. As soon as his tongue hit it my hips thrust off the bed and I shoved his face even further into my aching cunt. The pleasure was so intense. He sucked on my clit aggressively while using his finger to start tracing around my pussy lips.

They were absolutely soaked. He lapped up my juices as he inserted two fingers and started to thrust them faster and faster as my breathing became more heavy. He knew exactly how to tease me in all the right ways.

"Harder Kylo-faster!" I moaned as I locked his head on to my pussy with my legs. As his fingers thrust inside me, he rapidly increases his speed and as he reaches my G-spot, I was almost screaming.

He could feel me about to explode and sucked on my clit just as I was about to climax.

"Fuck Kylo- I- I'm cumming" I screamed as he makes me orgasm. Hard. My eyes rolled back as my pussy throbbed. I shockingly started to squirt as he thrust his fingers back in and curls them into my G-spot. His pupils were wide with lust and hunger as he gawked at my wet self. He takes his fingers and runs them across my body. My juices covered my whole body now and slowly dripped down from my breasts.

He stares at my body, wrecked already all thanks to him.

He gave me no time to come back from my climax as he spreads my thighs open again and thrusts his long hard cock in.

I moan as he starts to pump into me slowly. I felt all of my juices and cum spreading against his hot and aching cock as I started to rub my clit with my fingers.

"No. Let me" He said out of breath as the sweat started to become entangled into his hair.

He moved my fingers away as he took his own and started to rub my throbbing clit and I was enamored at his motions. He pumped into me faster and faster as I was able to take his length much easier this time.

The faster it got the more I craved. I pulled myself forward and wrapped my arms around his strong chest. I bit into his neck as I could feel the orgasm coming closer.

He kissed down my face and onto my neck as every thrust felt more plentiful.

"God, you're so beautiful. And you're mine."

I felt his cum leaking deep into my hole and my clit about to give way. Just looking at his sweaty gleaming body and hearing those words coming out of his mouth was enough to send me over.

I screamed and moaned as I orgasmed and came all over him. "Yes Kylo, YES-fuck!"

"Fuck yes, fuck baby I'm going to cum."

His breathing slowed as his cum poured into me as he hit his climax. He stared at me and moved my hair out of my face so he could see my eyes. His thumb brushed across my cheek as I fell into a lustful hazy state.

Looking into his eyes, I felt it.

This was something so complex, so meaningful to both of us. The only type of love and needing we had in either of our lives came from each other.

But that's when I realized it.

The horrible twisted revelation that I was falling for him.

Seriously, undeniably falling in love with him. I didn't care anymore about what happened when we first met or how much we both hated each other.

I would do anything for him. Anything.

I fell back onto the bed as I stroked his soft beautiful hair. I knew I was being so foolish, an absolute idiot. But I felt it in my heart, I knew this feeling was something more. There was no other way to describe it.

I blurted the first thing that came out of my mouth, in a fantasy world already in my mind.

"So what are we?" I asked gently. I said it quietly, if he wasn't such a good listener he would've nearly missed it. My head was laid on his broad chest and my arm went around to hold onto him tighter.

Kylo didn't say anything in response. He didn't want to ruin this because the second he did things would be over. This wasn't anything he can maintain.

Not anything that could last for him.

I said it impulsively and regretted it the second it came out of my mouth. Any discussion about it would end in a fight.

Instead I bathed in the comfort of just being with him and exhaled contently. He started to brush his hand across my forehead and through my hair.

"Come with me." He said.

I peered up at him and saw that same vulnerability in his warm eyes that liked to make an appearance every so often.

Kylo got off the bed and with his back turned at me I was able to see his muscles spread across. He came to my side of the bed and kissed me gently. It was the type of kiss that made you melt and warmed your heart.

He held his hand out and I took it wearily. He held my hand as we walked to his bathroom. It was very clean, very white. Almost sterile looking.

I was quite uncomfortable being naked around him like this, we didn't usually do things like this. He pulled out a small stool and asked me to sit.

He came behind me and surprisingly started to take the pins out of my hair.

He laid them on the counter in front of us and I watched in the mirror as his fingers worked to undo the braids. His eyebrows were furrowed in concentration as his large hands were nearly too big for how intricate it was.

"I used to do this for my mother." He mumbled quietly. I didn't know how to respond but felt myself growing more comfortable as time went on. He finally worked them all out and my hair fell back to my waist.

I turned around so I could look at him face on. He went down to my leg and took the brace off holding onto it very timidly. He kissed my leg softly before setting the brace aside. He took my hair and pushed it behind my ear and kissed my nose. It was so sweet and gentle. I smiled in response and Kylo caught himself laughing. I was mesmerized.

"How can you just look like that?" I questioned half serious.

"What do you mean?"

"You're just beautiful." I say nonchalantly, as if he had to know by now. Anyone could see that he was one of the most irresistible men in the galaxy.

He full on laughed this time, mocking what I had just said.

"I'm serious!" I said with a small laugh hitting his arm jokingly.

He caught himself staring at me again, and I was bewitched by how graceful he looked even in this harsh lighting.

"Come on, get in the shower with me." He persists, genuinely trying to connect even more with me. I reluctantly agree, nervous to continue how intimate we were being. Thankfully I had remembered the nurses instructions and knew I was able to get my leg wet.

Kylo turned on the shower water and I got in behind him. The water was scalding hot and I flinched away from it.

"Do you seriously shower with the water that hot?" I laugh actually scared at how he's able to handle that.

He smirked and rolled his eyes before turning it cooler. The water dripped from his long waves and into his face. I went on my tip toes and pushed it across his forehead and kissed him adoringly.

As I turned my back to let the water wash over my own long hair, Kylo's arms wrapped around me as I was swallowed by his enormous stature. I let my arms come up and hold onto his strong ones and felt so safe in his grip.

With his height, Kylo was easily able to wash my hair and my body and I was melting into his touch. He was extremely gentle with me and any harm he had done before almost seemed irrelevant. To me at least. It had made enough of an impact on him to scare him into ever touching me that harsh again.

His walls were down more than ever, as neither of us had ever encountered this type of intimacy before in our entire lives. It felt too good to be true. He let my hands run across his strong and hard body as the water continued to fall on us. I took my hands away and looked into his eyes.

I was right about my analysis of my feelings for him earlier. I was falling for him.

Like _really_ falling.

I didn't need to speak it for it to be felt between us.

He knew already that was absolutely infatuated with him and everything he did.

I let my arms wrap his body into a hug. My head nuzzled into his chest as his arms came around me as he kissed the top of my head.

This moment was unbreakable. Magical. Perfect.

"You have no idea how much you mean to me." He articulated, so petrified of letting his walls down and emotions out to me.

I knew that him even saying that was such an incredibly big deal and I smiled into his chest. We stood there enveloped in our hug for what felt like hours. The moment was too amazing for me to want to let go.

The water was finally turning cold and we were forced to get out. He wrapped me in a towel and let me have one for my hair as well.

There was nothing sexual about our shower together and neither of us cared. What we shared instead was exceedingly personal and profound.

When I looked at the clock it was now 1500 hours and I realized I was incredibly late for a meeting with Vera and Colonel Akana. I had known about it all day but when Kylo asked to spend more time with me I couldn't refuse.

I dry myself off in the bathroom and put my dress back on. My brace was relatched onto my leg. I take my hair out of the towel and decide to just put it in a loose braid since it was still soaking wet. When I get out of the bathroom I'm met with Kylo still only in a towel. His hair was still wet and messy in a sexy rugged way.

"Kylo, I really have to go."

"Go? Why do you have to go?" He answered nearly childlike.

"I kind of have duties myself that I have to take care of?" I respond quite confused. He had a million things to do himself then just spend the day with me, even if it's what we both wanted.

Reality always finds a way to knock us upside the head.

"I want this more. Us more." He confesses coming up to me and grabbing my hands in his.

"Me too." I smile and kiss him gently before leaving his room and this ship that slowly started to feel like a second home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo’s just a big softie!


	15. Enervating Beauty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You awake to find Kylo Ren’s ship gone and your friends try to make you feel better as you adjust to life without him.

The Finalizer was gone the next day.

Literally just gone.

I had no goodbye, no warning, nothing from the man I held so close to my heart.

I woke up to the field being cleared out where the ship once took its place and that was it. That was _weeks ago._

Everything felt different without him here. The stormtroopers left behind were more relaxed without the presence of their leaders and let us have much more freedom. Things almost felt normal, to before he ever came back to our beloved planet.

There were many rumors circulating as to why him and Hux left so abruptly.

Most had dwindled it down to orders from Supreme Leader Snoke but I had a feeling that it also had something to do with that girl. I had found out through my personnel that she was helping the Resistance. The Resistance was now quite small following Ren's recent attacks and unfortunately and were out of luck with help from other systems.

Our planet was in no place to send help itself which killed me considering I knew that General Organa must be doing everything in her power to hold it all together. I missed her dearly. I could tell that Kylo misses her too when one of the only ways to keep her memory alive was to take down my hair.

_Stop thinking about it!_

I had to let go of yesterday. Being reminded of those moments we shared before he left only confirmed to me how much I was suffering with him gone.

I hadn't even realized how much I had closed myself off again until those closest to me had started questioning if it was something they did. Anywhere I went my face was solemn, my appetite had ceased, and my skin was icy pale.

Any beauty of mine that remained had been drained.

Enervated.

I had tried to hide my emotions and feelings for him for so long that now without him, they intensified.

It was like in the sudden absence of him, what I felt only grew stronger.

I _needed_ him back, I needed that security only he could make me feel and the comfort he brought.

I missed him so much.

And it had only been a day. But even though he was still occupying my mind, I was going to become queen soon and had to remain concentrated on my duties. The droid I had taken from Colonel Akana's military academy was quite an intelligent one. He was nearly as helpful as my handmaids and I enjoyed his company greatly while I had been taking time to myself.

I had taken time in my castle again, limiting my appearances still until my leg was done healing. My dresses had been ironed neatly and hung in my closet by Iylin. She was timid around me now and I couldn't help but feel guilty for pushing her out.

"Iylin?" I called gently. She turned from what she was doing and her pretty ivory dress twirled with her.

"Yes madam?"

"How about we ring Vera and all go down to the lake near the edge of the city. What do you say?" 

Her eyes lit up and she showed me a real smile for the first time in days since they had left. Her young face showed a childlike glow to it and I was glad I could try and turn things around for us all.

"Yes of course! I'll go get her now, should I get General Brayer too?"

My face fell slightly at the mention of his name. The last time I had really been around Atlas was when I used him for my own sick game with Kylo. I was being a huge tease and got him caught up in whatever you want to call what I have with Kylo. I felt guilty needless to say and was had been avoiding him.

"Sure, that sounds great Iylin." I reply with a small smile. It would be nice to have all of us together and try to move on from his...sudden departure while gathering what to do next for the city.

"What about you A7? Care to join us?"

A7-D1 chirped happily and followed me as I grabbed my lighter cloak.

The cool summer breeze was already nipping at my bare shoulders as soon as I left my quarters. As I go to put my cloak on, I head a voice at the bottom of the stairs.

"Here, let me."

It was Atlas. He sent me a warm grin before covering me with the cloak and tying a bow with the strings around my neck keeping it in place. The dark red velvet lining instantly warmed me as I adjusted it slightly.

"Thank you. It's good to see you again Atty."

"Of course, you as well."

There was a silent tension growing between the two of us as we walked to where Vera was waiting for us with Iylin. The polite and curt conversation was a coverup for how he really felt, I knew him too well for him to keep hiding it from me. But we'd save the conversation for later.

"You ready to go?" Vera questioned, with a smirk on her face. She looked over at Atlas and Iylin and I realize they all had a similar expression.

"What's going on?" I ask with a laugh, unsuspecting of anything they had planned.

"You'll see, just come on!" Iylin giggled as she took my hand in her petite one, dragging me along the path.

I attempted to keep up with her pace as Vera and Atlas trailed behind me. A7 stayed with them as Vera talked to it. Everyone seemed giddy and excited and I wondered what could be happening.

As we finally reached the small lake at the South end of the city, I saw what they had been acting so weird about.

"Surprise!" They all shouted simultaneously.

A beautiful Cracian Thumper was waiting for me. **(It's like a horse.)** He was a large adult male and had thick course hair.

"Did you get him for me?" I asked grinning from ear to ear.   
  
"Of course. He's specially bred from Craci itself. We had him imported here yesterday." Atlas replied, his own face lit up with a smile.

I was ecstatic to receive a new mount. A well bred Thumper was hard to find now a days with how common they were bred and exported.

"Thank you, all of you. This means so much to me."

I hug each of them individually, embracing the comfort all of them brought. I knew they were trying to make me feel better with the whirlwind of how my reign has gone thus far with the First Order and the injuries and Kylo.

But it warmed my heart.

"Well, go see him!" Iylin urged.

As I approached the beast, I calmly stroked his long brown hair. His feet were massive but I knew they would carry me far and wide throughout the planet. All Cracian Thumpers were gentle, non aggressive creatures and extremely loyal.

I let my hand rest on his face and knew we were bonded. The animal bond helped tremendously but our connection was different. My own special creature given to me by the most important people in my lives.

"Tell us, what are you going to name him?!" Vera asks.

I thought only for a brief second before I decided.

"Zeus. For my big strong boy." I scratched under his neck and he growled lowly but happily in response

Zeus laid down and we all sat down together and basked in the sun. I removed my cloak as the direct sunlight started to warm me more. It was a comfortable and peaceful silence as we listened to the birds chirping and the sound of the stream flowing.

"Do you think he'll come back?" I finally blurted out.

Vera looked uneasily over at Atlas before responding.

"Look, it's for the best. He was ruining the planet, all our citizens are much happier with him gone. You'll be able to rule again and-"

"And what? It won't be the same if he's not here."

"How can you say things like that? He could come back whenever he wanted and we'd be forced to submit to the First Order again. Do you really want that?" Atlas questioned nearly talking down to me.

"I don't know! I don't know what I want." I sat up abruptly and rubbed my palms across my forehead over and over.

"Listen..." Iylin said sitting up and grabbing my arm.

"I love you like a sister but Kylo Ren is a very very evil man. He's a murderer! He killed his own father. He's not a good person." she said in her high pitched voice.

I was undoubtedly blinded by him and our feelings for each other. I had to remind myself to stop skimming over his flaws. His horrible flaws that had destroyed everything he touched.

I exhaled deeply and ran my hand through my hair.

"I know Iylin, I know."

"Come here." Atlas sighed. He got up from where he was sitting and held his hand out for me to take. He led me over to one of our large oak trees and climbed to one of the lower branches. I sat beside him and let my legs swing. It reminded me of how it was when we were kids.

"Do you realize how special you are?" He asked regaining eye contact with me. The sun was starting to bring out the freckles that speckled across his nose and cheeks.

"No, not really."

"Well you are. You're worth a lot more than whatever you and Kylo had."

"You don't get it, no one does. It's...really complicated."

"Look at me. You don't know how hard it was for all of us to watch you get beat and battered by them and how sad you've been watching them take over for months now. You deserve so much more than that."

His hand rested across my leg and his eyes darted from mine to my lips. I knew what was coming but I couldn't stop it.

He kissed me gently and I felt myself stiffen but then relax at the touch. His lips were soft and sweet like honey. He pulled away and I realized I couldn't do this.

"Atlas I can't,"

His face fell and he quickly removed his hand from my body. I felt instant regret and guilt for kissing him back. It immediately felt wrong.

"You have to stop liking me Atlas, I can't keep hurting you like this. I can't return the feelings." I told him reaching into his mind just enough to suggest the idea to him to end his feelings for me.

It broke my heart to do this to him, I'd never use the force on him for anything before. But this was wrong. I knew how in love with me he was and that he finally convinced himself to make a move but I couldn't hurt him.

And I couldn't help how I felt about Kylo and all that would come from this was pain on both sides if I let Atlas think anything would come from this kiss.

I hopped down from the tree branch and left Atlas in a state of shock and bewilderment.

"I have to go, I'm sorry. Take A7 with you please." I said quickly once I returned to where Vera and Iylin were still sitting.

The tears flowed freely down my cheeks now as I grabbed the reins from Zeus' halter and mounted him. As fast as his body could carry me, I wanted to go. I was ashamed and regretful, all I wanted was to take it back.

What a mistake I had made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo’s sudden departure will be explained! Hope you guys are enjoying the story!


	16. All The Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your planet’s other leaders reveal their plan to send help to The Resistance. Your closest friend offers support in your relationship with Kylo.

I felt the heaviest weight on my chest as I had to finally come to terms with my life.

He was not coming back.

It had been over two months now since our time spent together on his ship. Since I last saw him. And now in one week, I would be crowned Queen of Chandrila. Not to mention my position in the Senate was in jeopardy as I had missed the past few meetings. I held immense regret but was emotionally not prepared to return. I would happily give my position to another one of our great politicians in the city. I'm sure they deserved it more than I did.

I honestly wasn't educated enough in the first place to fulfill Chandrila's role in the Senate. But I had grown up here, knew everyone, and was a pretty pawn that could be showed off to the other planets.

I couldn't blame my leave on Kylo, even though the distress of his leave had left me... in a tough place. I was going to become queen in the matter of a few days anyway so it would work out in the end.

Since Kylo and the rest of the leaders left, eventually the rest of the First Order all filed out behind them. We were free! In the result of the First Order's departure, our people were at peace.

I loved my people and was ecstatic for them to feel safe again, but my heart was so heavy. I was haunted by all the memories we had made right up to his departure, we had made so much progress. It had been so long now since I had last been held by him, or even just caught a glimpse of his wondrous face.

When he left he was so sure of us, of what he wanted out of our relationship. And I know that he meant it, I could feel the passion radiating from his body. That's why I was absolutely positive that he didn't just leave on his own. Whatever happened, I wanted to be there for him, I didn't care what it was.

All I could hope at this point is that whatever galaxy he was in, one day we would be under the same sky seeing the same stars again. Knowing that even then, the stars could never shine as brightly as his soul did.

I was trying to gather my things to leave for the day when I heard a small knock at the door.

"Princess? I have your data pad." Iylin's small voice said.

"Of course, come in. I was just looking for that."

Iylin's petite body entered quietly and she closed the door behind her. She stood awkwardly near the door as she handed me the data pad.

"I mean this in the kindest way madam but, I think you should sit down for this."

I was confused and followed her to the bed.

"What's going on?"

"Colonel Akana and Atlas-"

I interrupted her before she could continue to say his first name.

"Please just refer to him as General Brayer."

"I apologize. Regardless, the two of them are planning to deploy our troops to help The Resistance."

" ** _Excuse me?_** Are they trying to over ride my orders?!"

I got up angrily and started to pace. I was outraged that they were going around me to try and do what they wanted, I had made it very clear that I did not want to risk the safety of our remaining military.

"Princess, they're doing it for a reason. Luke Skywalker has returned."

Her innocent eyes peered up at me with that reoccurring purity I adored from her sweet soul. It held my attention for a millisecond before I realized what she had said.

_Woah what?_

Has Luke actually come back? So many of my generation did not even believe that he even existed anymore, that the legends were too good to be true. If he was actually making a return then this changed everything.

"Call me a meeting with the both of them now."

Iylin's fingers typed quickly on my data pad as a hologram popped up and she explained what I needed. I huddled and left abruptly. The heels of my boots tapped the castle floor harshly as I stormed into our meeting room in the grand hall. The doors swung open instantaneously.

Colonel Akana and General Brayer had just arrived and taken their seats.

My confidence level was at its peak as I brimmed to the top with anger.

"So, when were you going to tell me that you were letting all our troops go fight in a war they'll never win?" I ask annoyed. The two men looked at each other apprehensively but didn't respond.

"Excuse me, I asked you a question."

Colonel Akana shifted in his seat slightly before clearing his voice.

"Princess I-"

"It will be **_Queen_** by this time next week. Or did you forget that too?" My sharp tongue replied to him.

"Stop it. You're being ridiculous." General Brayer replied condescendingly.

"I'm being ridiculous because I don't want all of our military to die in a suicide mission?"

"They need our help!" He rose out of his chair hastily and anxiously brushed his hands through his bronze hair.

I was appalled at his actions towards me. When I used the force to remove his romantic feelings from me, these waves of anger from him were not at all what I intended. But I had to look beyond myself and whatever our new strange relationship was to try and understand why he felt so passionately about this. I believe all he genuinely wanted was to help them, the kindness his father leaving behind evident in his actions. But he was going about it all the wrong way.

"Princess, please. Luke Skywalker has returned." Colonel Akana said gently.

I sighed lightly and tried to regain composure.

"Where is this information from?" I respond.

"The Resistance have a scavenger training with Luke on an unknown island. The rumors are that she will go to...Kylo Ren and try to turn him. You know like how he was when we were kids."

My anger turned to rage as I felt my breathing grow harsher and heavier.

The girl that was always on his mind, it was her. She actually thought she'd be able to turn him?! I knew that I was not even capable of that, I had already accepted that. But I was furious that another woman would try to engage with him like this.

"I will not send out our troops. That's final." I respond curtly.

The long lace train of my dress whipped around with me as I left briskly. The castle was bustling with all hands on deck to prepare for my coronation next week. What was supposed to be an exciting time was full of stress and hopelessness.

I was well aware of The Resistance needing our help and their signals being sent out to all worlds that had previously expressed support for them. And I did want to help! But the only way I would send help now would be in honor of Leia to support her efforts. While our allegiance did not lie with the First Order, I was also not willing to lose all our troops in battle.

He was the only thing on my psyche now as I rushed to a quiet corridor and tried to ease my aching mind. I could not fathom that this girl was willing to risk her life all for an attempt to turn him. She didn't even know the real him!

When he left, he wanted to be with me.

I was the only one who he let past the facade.

Not this stupid girl.

She would die in her attempt to save him. I was sure of it.

The anger that Kylo held in him was unlike any other, it could not compare to anything I've ever seen before. Even if he was showing kindness towards me, he was still crazy around anyone from his order. Or anyone who tried to mess with his work.

He would strike her down as soon as she revealed her true plan to turn him. I just... I knew it.

I tried to take deep breaths and calm myself so I wouldn't lash out anymore. Was I not as intact with the force as she? What made her special enough to receive Jedi training from Master Luke?

I started to regret not wanting to train. Maybe I could've been the one to revive the remaining Jedi Order but I've been too scared and ignoring my abilities. I couldn't help but consider all the what if's as this girl dropped my confidence significantly.

At least I had the confirmation now that Kylo's duties were pertaining to the end of The Resistance and the girl. While it didn't help my fragile heart, I was glad to have some resolve on the situation. It was agonizing not knowing why he left so suddenly.

I left the corridor and arrived at the ballroom. Drapes were being installed to hang from the ceiling as the marble floor was polished to perfection. Everything was falling in to place now.

"Princess, I wasn't expecting to see you here." Vera said surprising me. She came up to my shoulder reminding me how much my heeled boots accentuated my height.

Vera has been in charge of all the planning for my coronation and has tried to keep most of her big plans a secret. It was an excellent distraction at the moment though.

"Well, I can already tell how wonderful things will be. Thank you for being my closest companion." I smile lovingly at her before giving her a brief hug.

As I turn to walk away, she catches me.

"Hey, look I'm sorry but I've really been wanting to say this. I know that you and...Kylo had something going on. And I'm sure like with most guys, it was easy to get wrapped up in it all," Her eyes flickered from me to the ceiling as she stared off, perhaps remembering her own previous relationship.

"Anyways, regardless on if he ever comes back, I just want you to know that you can always talk to me, okay? I promise I will make more of an effort to support you. Okay? I love you."

I hugged her for real this time, touched at the gesture she made towards me. My pain was something that apparently everyone could see and to have someone willing to look past who he was and offer their support, I was speechless.

"I love you too." I said quietly into her shoulder as I tried to hold this moment close to my heart.

I will never condone his actions. I will never think that all the murder, pain, and senseless ruin was right. But I cared for him so intensely that I saw beyond his mistakes to who he truly was. I knew in my heart that there lied a man in there who was kind and gentle, desperate for the chance to prove it to someone.

I know that Vera could never possibly see to the full extent what an extraordinary man I had the privilege of seeing beyond the mask, but she was trying. And that's all I could ask for.

  
** TIMELINE ** **: We are approaching the end of The Last Jedi. Kylo is about to bring Rey to Snoke. Kylo and Luke will soon face down on Crait.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TIMELINE : We are approaching the end of The Last Jedi. Kylo is about to bring Rey to Snoke. Kylo and Luke will soon face down on Crait.


	17. The Return *FLUFF*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your coronation day arrives but not without Kylo’s return. As you try to resist him, you go back to your old ways once more.

Her death shocked us all.

Even just from the mere rumors I heard, I knew that she was a beacon of light for so many. Despite any jealous feelings towards her, I felt the devastation from those who saw hope in her.

Rey was dead.

When she went to turn Kylo, they both turned on the Supreme Leader. After their fight with the praetorian guards, Rey died from her injuries. This did not stop Kylo from fighting his previous master anyways, as him and Luke Skywalker battled on a far away planet resulting in Luke's unfortunate death.

In my final meeting with the Galactic Senate before turning over my position, I was informed of these revelations. It killed me not hearing it from Kylo directly but he was now the Supreme Leader.

That title is a really big deal. I realized that in his new position, only more violence, death, and torture would come.

The Resistance was nearly ruined. If Kylo and his army did not leave Crait when they did, all of the Resistance members would be dead by now. My planet is the one who made them leave. We transmitted a message for Kylo Ren that was "urgent" enough to catch his attention.

But it was a lie. And I felt horrible for doing it to Kylo. I knew that anything urgent regarding me would become top priority for him.

But, I also knew in my heart that I couldn't live with myself if the Resistance ended knowing I could've done something to help. Yes I lied, but at least I didn't lose any of our troops, or I didn't sacrifice myself or any of my leaders. I found a way to create enough of a distraction that would save them and have Kylo return. Even if it was for my own selfish reasons.

But this meant that I would have to face him. And when he found out what I did... that I lied. I didn't want to think about how he'd react. I could only imagine how much fury he's started carrying around now in the wake of all these surrounding deaths. I pushed the thought out of my mind for now.

Today was my coronation day.

I had never had my handmaidens spend so long on my hair and makeup. Every single aspect had to be exquisite. From my ridiculously large feathered headpiece, to my extravagant expensive gown. It was flown in all the way from Devaron. I had never truly felt like a queen until now.

All our inhabitants would gather in Hanna City for this momentous occasion. It would be the first time our people would all come together since the intrusion of the First Order.

This was a happy time, I had to constantly remind myself. If I let my mind wander too much and I would be upset again.

It was wonderful to see how ecstatic all my friends were. Vera had straightened her gorgeous bouncing curls for the first time since I met her and was fitted with her own lavish gown as she would be deemed my official right hand woman.

Of course, I allowed Iylin to also have a bigger part in the ceremony as well. I couldn't imagine doing this without her honestly.

I may not have had the biggest circle of companions, but those I did have were the best.

I walked ever so carefully down to our main courtyard, extremely aware of my foot placement as any wrong move would disturb my headpiece. The lower level handmaids trailed behind me, making sure the long and thick train of my dress flowed effortlessly.

I walked up to a cheering crowd of our thousands of citizens as I saw smiles and laughter on all of their faces. I couldn't help but smile in response as I felt genuine happiness and the crinkles return around my eyes that have been absent for so long.

As I approached the stand, I see Atlas in his full official uniform ready to induct me. His face was hard, but he gave me a hint of a smile as I came to stand next to him. This was real now, it was really happening! He cleared his throat before starting his speech.

"Citizens of Chandrila. Today we make history with the coronation of our first ever queen," 

Cheers and applause erupt.

"On this momentous day, we will no longer have to be afraid of the unknown. With our brave, courageous, and brilliant leader we will be safe and protected for the rest of her reign!"

I couldn't help but feel tears welling up as I see just how much this moment meant for us all. After all the hardships we had been through, no one could take this from me or my people.

I was instructed to face him now as I say our oath.

"Do you Princess, promise to protect and love our people for the rest of your reign?"

"I do."

"Do you promise to make all decisions in respect of our people and what is best for them?"

"I do."

"Do you offer yourself to submission of the throne as we, the citizens of Chandrila, promise to respect and honor your role as Queen?"

"I do."

"Then today I crown you Queen of Chandrila."

He took my hand in his and raised it as I smiled graciously for the crowd. It was official now, in all its glory. I was accompanied by my now, _royal_ guard as we parted the crowd and I walked through.

I shook hands, hugged small children, and did whatever gestures I was able to, to show my people what life would be like with me as Queen. I could only imagine how incredible it would be to have my parents by my side on this day. To have been sworn in with them here, nothing could beat that.

But I knew that their love went beyond physical beings and I would always hold that in my heart. 

Nothing could destroy this day.

_Or so I thought._

Suddenly, flashbacks came back at lightening speed as I'm reminded of the all too familiar sound of a screeching ship landing on my beloved planet.

As I look up, I see a TIE fighter fly in. I watched as it landed on the barely recovered sparse field that was overrun by their people the first time.

As much joy this day had brought, I refused to let it be ruined now. I huffed annoyingly and went back to the podium.

"Citizens of Chandrila, as my first official act as Queen, I request you all to go back to your cottages until I instruct you otherwise. Do not be alarmed, everything is okay. This is happy day friends!"

Although the mood of the crowd had shifted significantly, we were at the end of our celebration anyways. I wanted to make sure they understood that I in no way was going to sit back and allow this to happen for another time.

I knew who was in the TIE fighter.

We all did.

Now it was my decision on how I handled this. My emotions could not for a second interfere with what was best for my planet as I had my new role.

"Leave me to handle this." I command to my guard and my fellow companions around me. The overwhelming feeling of uneasiness was harshly surrounding them but I asked them to please follow the same orders given to the citizens and go home. I walked towards the field in which he landed.

I was still all done up in my outlandish attire but I had no embarrassment. It was an obvious representation of the extreme importance my role now held. The reminder of his new role as well came to mind.

As he exited the TIE fighter I felt my breathe automatically hitch in my throat. He exuded a type of power he did not hold before. He ravished in his new role as Supreme Leader.

His mask was no where to be seen as my eyes followed his clean and precise movements. The way his ink colored hair bounced with every step he took. How his body looked like it was gleaming under our bright sun. How large he was under his heavy dark suit. The memories flooding back at how his body felt against mine.

Before I know it, he's inches from me.

He leaned down to whisper in my ear gently.

"It seems like your thoughts have only gotten louder since the last time I saw you."

I mustered out a sarcastic half laugh as I was shocked at his overwhelming cockiness. He clearly assumed that this new power he held, he held over me as well.

"Trust me, I'd keep to them to myself if I could." I whip back.

He only managed a small glance towards me before continuing walking towards the heart of our city. I was of course expected to follow him.

"Excuse you, I don't think you realize that my role here has changed since you were last here." I exclaim, forcing my way in front of him.

He now allowed his eyes to see me entirely.

"Doesn't matter." He says nonchalantly as he continued on his intended direction. This time, I forced my hand against his chest and tried not to think of how strong it felt against my weak self. 

"I'm sorry? If you're on this planet then I'm your Queen."

His eyes met mine as the dark alluring beauty of them was almost enough to suck me in again.

His strength was no match to mine as he quickly flipped my back against him as his grip tightened around me.

"You will always obey me." He said breathily in my ear, the sexual tension building with every word he said. I felt my cheeks grow red as his hands were tempted to lead themselves across my familiar body.

No.   
No.   
**No.**

I realized what was happening and removed myself from his grip.

"You don't have that type of control over me anymore."

A sarcastic laugh, laced with spite and conceitedness came out of him.

"We'll see about that."

He used the force to paralyze and manipulate me into walking behind him, even after fighting it with all my might. I unwillingly followed him into the castle as he took me into our guest quarters.

He had changed.

This level of cockiness and arrogance was not attractive in the slightest. He really thought he owned me.

I thought I had actually made some progress with him before he left, things were going towards a dare I say, something more. I had no words.

I followed him to one of our guest rooms that hadn't been touched in ages.

"Undress. Now."

I looked at him up and down and thought he was joking. But the look on his face told me he definitely was not.

"Um... do you realize how long it'll take for me to get out of all this?"

He rolled his eyes annoyingly.

"Fine. Go take care of that and then come back here."

It was now my turn to roll my eyes as his orders over me were one of the most pompous assholes things he's ever done to me.

"Watch it!" He yelled abruptly turning around towards me.

He referenced to my thoughts that were exceedingly loud as I did not hold back on my distaste for the _"new"_ him.

"Just,"

He ran his hand through his hair before sighing.

"Just go. Come back when you're ready."

I didn't complain and gathered my handmaidens from my quarters at once. They efficiently removed all the pins that held my headpiece in place and unbuttoned the heavy gown I wore. I favored instead, a pale pink slip and my natural hair that had been wrapped tightly all day long.

I grudgingly go back to where he was and am met with a half naked Kylo. He didn't bother to turn around when I entered, knowing that I would enjoy the view too much. The muscles in his back stretched as he threw his items wherever he pleased and gladly made himself at home. If he could've possibly gotten any bigger since he'd been gone, he did.

As he finally turns to face me, his lustful gaze was upon me again. His moves seem calculated as he took every step slowly as he approached me, not daring to break eye contact. I could tell by the feeling in the room that he had relaxed significantly. He didn't have to tell me, I knew how exhausted he was from all he had been through. I was his _home_.

"You have no idea how much I missed you." He blurts out before pulling me into him for a kiss.

The pure passion and neediness was astronomical as I quickly let my hands reach around his neck. His hands brushed against the light fabric that covered me as he let them explore the body that he owned.

Our chemistry was electric as it flooded the open room. My hands were already rapidly exploring his naked chest as he pulled my dress down with ease.

He pulled away from our kiss slightly and tucked the wild strands of my hair behind my ear. He kissed my nose and my cheek and my forehead as I laughed at the sweet gesture.

"I'm serious, I _really_ missed you. I never stopped thinking about you." He said.

He took my hand and led me to the wrought iron framed bed that had been preserved in excellent quality. I sat down next to him and nervously wrung my hands together. I finally decided to talk about the elephant in the room.

"So why aren't you upset with me or worried about me?"

"I was at first. But then I realized how convenient the timing was. And how much of a Resistance sympathist your little boy toy is." He replied, the annoyance clear in his voice at the end.

I looked at him shell shocked, extremely confused with the entire situation.

"Don't talk about him like that. And I'm sorry I was actually trying to do the right thing and do something to help them and _your_ mother."

He huffed and laid back on the bed.

"It doesn't matter. In enough time, I'll destroy them too. I didn't really care why you wanted me back, I was going to come anyway."

I laid next to him as I tried to soak up what he was telling me. So he really didn't care that I lied to him? He was _that_ sure that he'd be able to destroy the Resistance again?

"Yes I am. The scavenger was their last hope and now she's gone too. It'll be easy now."

Since he completely controlled the First Order, I guess it really was up to him when he would decide to destroy them. And I would have no part in trying to go against him. If that's what he wanted to do then he was going to do it.

I turned my head to the side and stared at him. I was seemingly mesmerized by him again, knowing that I'd seen his face plenty of times but it still captured my attention like no other. I was already falling for him just as hard as the last time he was here.

"You're more beautiful then I remembered." He whispered cupping my face in his large hand.

I blushed at the remark. But was irritated still at how he had acted prior.

"So are you in a good enough mood now to explain why you were such a pretentious cocky asshole earlier?"

I was met with an eye roll as I knew I had clearly interrupted the moment.

"Look, maybe you don't get it but it's kind of hard to switch my persona on and off just for you."

I was obviously aware of the reputation he had to upkeep, and I knew that he had just recently started opening up around me. And yes I know that he wasn't used to having this type of comfort level around anyone. But I couldn't take the back and forth of the person I saw when we were alone and the person that he was outside of this. I couldn't let this keep ransacking my brain. I decided to just let it go. He was here and that was what was most important right now.

"Okay, you're right. I'll try to be more understanding, yeah?" I say peering over the pillow hoping he'd accept my apology. I'd never get used to him being able to hear what I was thinking with such ease.

"Just come here." He giggled before pulling my naked body to his as I melted in to the comfort he gave me. Nothing could beat this feeling, I was sure of it.

I knew that I had gone back on every single thing I had said to myself earlier in the day. I was running the risk of losing the trust of my people but I was torn. Was my happiness worth giving up to make my people feel better? Did I not deserve happiness because it was with him?

Kylo gently pushed my head on to his chest and whispered to me, hearing my thoughts.

"Shhh, just rest. Everything will be okay."

So I did.

If only everyone could see how he was around me. Minus the discretions earlier which I'm choosing to overlook. Even though his attitude had become something quite undesirable with his new leadership, I always was able to pull the real him out.

And because of that, I knew that I loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please know that after this chapter, the book will no longer follow the sequel timeline. Hope you enjoyed!


	18. Join Me *SMUT*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your worst fight breaks out after you admit your feelings and have an intense hookup with Kylo.

My eyes fluttered open as I found myself pressed against the soft mattress instead of Kylo's body. I let out a muffled sigh and wrapped the white sheets closer around my body as the cold air wafted through the bedroom.

I heard the bathroom door open but I was so tired that I didn't want to bother to focus on the noise. I felt a hand brush across my cheek and a kiss planted on my forehead. I smiled instantaneously.

"Good morning." I hear his husky morning voice say in my ear.

I finally open my eyes and my mouth drops open.

Kylo was completely naked. His hair was slick and still dripping wet from his shower. The towel that once hung at his waist was now being carelessly thrown through his hair to dry it off.

He noticed my obvious stare and smirked to himself. As he continued to walk like he owned the place, I found myself becoming more and more turned on. The heat pooling between my legs was a clear reminder at how long it had been since we had sex.

"Stop with the teasing, please just get over here now." I finally say.

"I'm usually the one giving the orders but okay."

I pulled the covers off of my own naked body and rose to a kneel position. Kylo was quick to approach me and forcefully grab my neck.

His tongue was roughly taking over mine as a harsh kiss ensued with his hands finding my breasts immediately. He trailed one finger around my nipple slowly. The small gesture sent a shiver down my spine.

"Turn around. All fours. Now."

His tone was demanding. He knew what he wanted and was going to get it.

I did as he asked and turned around so the back of me now faced him in a still kneeling position. It wasn't good enough however as his rough hands were pushing my back and head down farther into the bed so my ass was on display.

His hand struck me as he slapped my ass and grabbed a fistful of it. Shockwaves pulsated through my cold skin. I was suddenly met with the familiar feeling of his long hard cock against my aching body.

"Are you going to be a good girl for me?"

"Yes," I whimper into the bed.

Another slap was across my back end. I flinched instinctively.

"Yes what?" He asks assertively.

"Yes **_sir_**."

He inserted himself in me and I gasped at the feeling. A long groan escaped his lips.

"Fuck, I missed this." He said breathily.

His strokes are now faster as he grabs a fistful of hair and forcibly holds me down. The intensity of it all was nearly too much to bare, his cock was so big and stretched me out considerably.

As my hand went to help my pulsing clit, I'm stopped in my tracks.

"Absolutely not." He says aggressively. I was met with a loud animalistic moan as the force now swirled at my clit.

I realized that moan came from me.

The feeling was indescribable as I gripped the sheets harder as the pressure built. Kylo was now balls deep in me as I could feel the slam of his body against mine with every stroke.

"Kylo I- I'm going to cum." I manage to get out, nearly at my breaking point with how violently my clit was being abused.

The force subsided and I was left on the edge.

"I decide when you cum."

The more he pounded into me, the more frustrated I grew knowing that he wouldn't be able to get me there all the way.

"Fuck-shit. FUCK." He groaned.

His last stroke hit the hardest as I felt him cum in me. He stayed in that position for a minute before he flipped me over and I was met with his soft gaze. His hair stuck to his forehead from the sweat and his chiseled body glistened.

"I didn't forget about you." he smirked as he opened my thighs once more. His fingers slid down my lips and I nearly buckled at the touch.

His mouth was at my very desperate lower half as I felt his fingers curl inside me.

"Kylo-I," I closed my eyes and bit my lip to withstand the immense pleasure.

"Fuck." My eyes rolled back as he sucked my clit aggressively and my hands tangled themselves through his hair. The sight of him going down on me was something I could never tire of.

_It was so fucking hot._

"Kylo, KYLO!" I scream as I knew probably all of the officials and handmaids could hear me.

I was desperate to suck in air as I was left so out of breathe. Kylo, quite happy with how he made me orgasm, flopped onto the bed beside me.

We laid in silence as we both had to come down from the high. In a surprise occurrence, Kylo rolled over and turned to me this time. I turned my body to meet his and ran my hand down his scar. The one that was so raw and fresh when I first met him.

The healing showed just how long our rendezvous had been going on now. Whatever this was, I didn't want to continue doing it out of loneliness, or physical need, or just be a way for him to exert his aggression. I knew what I felt for him.

His eyebrows furrowed listening to my thoughts.

"What do you feel for me?" He questioned.

My hand left him quickly as I had to swallow the words that wanted to come out. I just couldn't. I couldn't tell him. He already knew from the last time we were together that I was falling for him.

"I can't Kylo."

"But why not?" He asked softly, his hardened face returning to a childlike expression.

"Because I'm going to ruin things. And I just can't do that to us, we just got this back."

I anxiously ran my hands across my face and through my hair as I battled with my feelings. Kylo grabbed my arm and dragged it away from my anxious behavior.

"Tell me."

I didn't know why he was doing this. Whether it was a minor crack in his Kylo facade or the deeper part of his soul longing for an answer, I gulped and barely could hold eye contact with him as I knew what this would do.

"Listen okay, when I look at you all I see is Ben. I can't forget him."

He thought the conversation wasn't going the way he thought and was immediatley irked. I grabbed his arm and forced him to look at me.

"Look that's just beside the point. Because I didn't fall in love with Ben. And I tried to move on when you left, tried to find any type of happiness in my life without you but I couldn't."

His eyes grew wide as he immediately regretted asking anything at all as we started to seep into my deep heartfelt feelings. He was already pulling the covers off, ready to escape from what I was going to say.

"Kylo stop it! Listen to me." I yanked him back before he could leave. He huffed before returning even a glance at me.

"I love you."

His face was washed of any color as he looked sick. He was quick to try and rip my grip from his body and fight me for feeling this way.

" ** _Ben_** look at me!" I grabbed his face and held it in place so he couldn't run.

"I have fallen in love with you. Yes, the Kylo you. I can't forget the traits you carry from your past but the person I have fallen in love with is _this_ version of you."

He finally stopped fighting and his bottom lip quivered as I saw a tear fall from his eye. My thumb catches it before it falls very far and I try to hold back my own tears with no avail. I had broken down his walls.

"I realize now that no matter what you would have become, a Jedi or Supreme Leader, I always would have loved you. Because you are more than any position in the galaxy. You are a person. A beautiful amazing person that I love with my entire being."

His facade crashed in front of me as sobs now echoed throughout the room as his arms wrapped around my body and his head fell to my chest. I stroked his hair as I held him and let him react in his own way. I knew that he couldn't say it back and couldn't understand his emotions at the moment and that was okay.

He knew now. He physically had heard now the truth that I had been carrying around for so long.

As our naked bodies held each other's, I had never felt closer to him. The dark hole of loneliness that once consumed us both, was now bursting with a light and airy feeling I didn't even know existed.

The reality of the situation was that Kylo has no one else, I was the only one who accepted him for who he was now. When I had to face the fact that the Ben I once knew isn't the one I fell for, my heart ached. But it was the truth. The Supreme Leader held my heart.

His sobs subsided and his chest finally started to move and fall at a normal rate. He raised his head and peered at me with glazed over eyes. I brushed his hair out of his eyes and kissed his nose.

"I don't care about how things started for us or anything else. All I care about is now." I tell him.

He stared at me intensely, those amazing brown eyes stealing my heart.

"I know this isn't important but if you would just consider it. Can I start calling you Ben?" I ask gently, trying not to upset him anymore.

I understood fully the correlation he gave to that name and his past but something just felt different about calling him by his _real_ name, like we had a stronger connection. He nuzzled into my bare chest and gave a simple answer.

"Maybe."

I realized that was the best I was going to get for now and I would just have to slowly introduce the concept to him. He suddenly gasped and muttered something under his breath. His eyes lit up as he got up excitedly. I was confused at the fast change of emotions and nearly got a head rush. I had never seen him look like this before, he was so excited. His smile was reaching ear to ear.

He came back over to me and took my hands in his.

"I know what to do. I know how we can be together."

I smile myself and laugh excitedly.

"Like in front of everyone?" I ask.

"Yes. Everyone will worship you as my queen. Not just Chandrila, the entire world."

As my face grew to a worried expression, he grew upset.

"No don't be concerned, it's perfect. You can be trained by me. We can rule the galaxy together, you already are in touch with the force."

I pried my hands from his as I tried to understand what he wanted from me.

Me. By his side. The First Order bowing to me. My turn to the dark side. Us public. Overthrowing systems together.

The thoughts were too much. I got up abruptly and crossed my arms before releasing my emotions.

"Kylo, I-I can't do that! That's not me, I can't actually go to the dark side."

His smile falling broke my heart. But what he expected of me was unrealistic.

"I don't understand," He questioned upset. He got up to meet me on the other side of the room. He gripped my shoulders and I looked up at him.

"I can give you everything. We can have a life together, we can rule everyone and everything."

"No, that's not a life that I want."

"But we can be together this way. I want you to be with me in front of everyone. I want them to bow to you. I have worked for a decade for this life and all I want is to share it with you."

I opened my mouth to respond but words couldn't come out. Any type of reaction I was expecting from him did not come close to this one. Any good intentions coming from this was lost at the moment as I was so overwhelmed. I let out a breath and manage to form some type of words.

"I know that you want to be with me, and all I want is to be by your side. But no matter how much I love you, I just can't. I'm sorry."

He left my side and angrily got dressed. I could tell how offended he was that I didn't want to take his offer. Ignoring the fact that I have vowed since the day he left that I would never train.

He wasn't even considering the most obvious option there was. If it mattered that much to him for us to stay together, the best option was right in front of his eyes.

"Have you ever thought about actually staying here? As king? Where we could be together and not destroy anything or kill anyone?" I blurted out.

He brushed past me as he went to grab his cloak.

"No. Clearly you don't want to be with me." He grumbled.

I scoffed and made him turn around to face me.

"Are you kidding me? I just told you I love you and your first thought is to have me become another version of you and start destroying things. While that may be the person I fell for, you did not fall in love with a woman like that."

He glanced at me before trying to leave again, and I was once more forced to make him listen to me.

"You're being irrational Kylo. Maybe the events over the past few months have impaired your judgement but I cannot change the woman I am for you. There is a way for us live in peace and happiness if you let it happen."

"I can't turn my back on the First Order! I can't give up my life for you! Do you even realize what you're saying?" He yelled.

"I am not asking anything of you. I'm giving you an alternative. You know more than anyone that all I have ever wanted to do is serve my people and keep them happy. I can't abandon them."

"So that's it huh. You won't give up your life and I won't give up mine. This will never work." He says effectively ripping himself from my grasp.

"Stop don't say that, we can make this work! Ben I-"

"No. This is over."

As he turned to leave, I felt my heart breaking into a million pieces.

I was watching the love of my life walk away. And I couldn't do anything to stop him.


	19. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter briefly discusses the emotions the main character (you) feel as you grapple with your feelings of love towards Kylo.

True love is not ordinary and does not come around often. That’s when it does happen, you lose your grip on life itself. Your mind, body, and spirit are no longer yours. They belong to a place you’ve never seen before, a place you couldn’t imagine without being there. Pure light. 

Love is selfless and unconditional. 

A foreign feeling but one that felt right. I would never tire of seeing his face. Or feeling his body after a long day. Things I would never consider doing, I would do for him in a heartbeat. The security I felt around him was something I never realized I was missing and now something I can’t live without. 

Love is profound. 

My castle wasn’t home, Chandrila wasn’t home. It was him. I had been searching for it all my life, a real home. But the searching was done. Time is suspended when I’m with him, like I’m in the most magical and euphoric dream but it’s life. In the absence of him, it’s like I’m underwater with no air supply. Suffocating, and I can’t breathe. What a peculiarity in life’s meaning to have someone’s soul mean that much to your own existence. 

Love is denial. 

I can never forget the pain he caused or his departure that nearly split my spirit in half. I can never forget lying awake at night replaying the moments of our minute long interactions. It was wrong for me to be attracted to such a man, a heathen. He was a murderer and found joy in death. It was in his blood. I denied that I could ever love such a man. But I could and I did. I love him more than anything on this planet or in this galaxy. 

Love is beautiful. 

I had never been happier than when I was with him. Any past attempts at joy were nothing compared to being in his presence. My soul was gleaming from the inside out, it was like wildfire as it spread to those around me. I smile without realizing it, knowing that in the back of my mind it’s because of him. I had memorized every mark and mole that existed on him, afraid of forgetting just one piece of his breathtaking face. His flowing glossy curls that were like butter in my fingertips. The eyes that sparkled just for me. Remarkable.

Love knows no bounds. 

I would die for him. I wouldn’t question it, I wouldn’t contemplate whether it made sense because it always would. I would always know that selflessly giving my life for his would be more of an act of love. The confirmation that I’ve done more with my life than what I was given. 

Love is blind. 

He’s the epitome of perfection in every aspect of the word. My insides went to mush when I saw his face, always awed by the beauty of a person. It wouldn’t matter what he looked like however because his soul is what I truly loved more than anything. Down to his spirit, his bone. His soul was beautiful. If he was in any other part of the galaxy, I know our souls would’ve found each other. 

Love hurts. 

I had submitted myself to him unwillingly, letting myself become his canvas as I gave him free will to analyze my flaws and every insecurity. Never fully knowing whether I was what he wanted and if he loved me as passionately as I loved him was more than painful, it was excruciating. The fear of getting hurt and heartbroken was something I could never prepare myself for and was an agonizing thought that always lurked in some part of my brain. Because it had happened. He left me. 

Love trumps fear. 

I have been terrified to fall in love. Harshly and violently afraid that if someone got too close, they would fall into my deep dark hole of despair and sorrow. But he already knew it, he was living it. There was no fear to be had with someone who felt it. Felt your greatest fears as they had been there before and knew it all too well. I had no regrets. 

Love always wins. 

There was no more fighting on whether I loved him or not. I had not a shred of doubt. It was simple now and clear. Solid. 

I love him.

Whether it was because of my parents death, the countless sleepless nights, the loneliness I have felt for a decade, the unparalleled amount of time I have spent to be a Senator and eventually a Queen. I know that all of it made me fall so fast. I know somewhere deep in his confused and broken soul, he loves me too but I may never know that. Because he left me. He did. And I have to accept that. 

I know that I don’t regret falling in love with him. True love knows no depths and is the epitome of what life is. I had no need to spend the rest of my life looking for life’s purpose as I had found it. 

I have had the privilege of falling in love and I accept that I will never come across these feelings again for the rest of my life. What a privilege it’s truly been.


	20. Coward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As you bury your real feelings, you receive news of Kylo’s new actions. And a certain force ghost returns.

The Supreme Leader was a coward.

An impulsive, emotional coward who leaves. Always fucking leaves. When things get too hard, when he starts to feel too much, he just abandons me without second thought.

I was so tired of this battle always happening. My entire world surrounding around his temperamental ass. Knowing that I would drop everything for him in a second.

But I knew why.

No matter how much I would cry over him and complain about how he treats me and how aggravating he was, I would always love him. 

That's why when he left this time, I knew that this could be what destroys me. This is what will make or break me. 

But I had to try, I had to make an attempt. 

Being Queen was all I have wanted for so long now, I refuse to let my loyalty falter for even a second to my people. I would put on a brave face, keep the peace, and do what was right. I just _had_ to. Even if it was killing me.

My castle held too many memories of us and I longed to stay out for as long as possible. I tended to the east cottages for hours in our hills, desperate to distract myself.

I was in the deepest hills of the outskirts of our city when Vera came to me concerned. I had shut off my data pad so I could focus on checking in our citizens but I clearly had missed something.

"My Queen, I'm afraid I have some distressing news from the Senate."

"Yes please, do tell." I urge, leading her away from the family I was helping.

"It's about um, Kylo Ren."

Her face screamed panic and unease and I was anxious to hear what he could've done now. Besides breaking my heart of course.

"Okay." I mutter gritting my teeth.

"He's destroying things. A lot of things. Planets have been wiped out entirely in our system, there's no trace of half the planets in the Ileenium system."

Such an impulsive cry baby. I had no doubt this was because of our harsh and abrupt ending. God how could he keep doing this?! There were people on these planets! People and creatures from all over the galaxy that were slaughtered. I tried to reserve the amount of anger rising in me but it was difficult.

Being reminded of the sheer level of violence in him was suffocating. His angry temper tantrums were killing innocent people and that irked me to no end.

"That's mortifying. I'm sorry you had to be the one to find out. What is the status of the Resistance?"

"The Senate has no trace of them currently. If he destroys them then he will destroy his mother too. General Organa is still leading them."

My heart broke, the second mother I grew up with on the verge of death because her twisted son was having another meltdown. Pathetic. The amount of people he was intertwining in our complex relationship was despicable!

You don't see me throwing away my responsibilities and having a "poor pity me" cry session. Even if I wanted to! The fact that someone like me had more maturity than his grown ass self was appalling. It was times like this that I wondered how I ever fell in love with such a man. And yet I would still fall at his feet. I thought quick on my feet on what to do.

"Deploy General Brayer and one hundred of our troops to find their whereabouts. Contact the Senate on my behalf and ask for any information they have regarding General Organa's location."

"Yes my queen, I will do that at once."

As she turned to walk away, I attempted to ease her worry.

"We will be fine Vera. May the force be with you."

She nodded her head in agreement before returning to her duties.

Lost in thought, I was left alone again and quickly found myself lost in all of our beautiful foliage. The cottages were few and far apart in this unpopulated part of the planet.

It had been so long since I was able to be one with our plants and animals. Part of the reason our planet was so breathtaking was our natures idealistic beauty. I itched for that feeling of enchantment again.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Focus.

Close your eyes.

Shut off your thoughts.

I forced my body to relax and bring a sense of tranquility back, one that I had many months ago before he ever arrived. Keeping in mind the Jedi and their practices, I finally reached a calm enough headspace.

I was surprised with the force ghost of Yoda's presence.

"Greetings young queen, been quite some time since we talked it has."

Both of his tiny hands rested on his cane and I slowly sat to meet his level.

I clear my throat. "Yes, master it has."

"Watching you with our lost boy, the Jedi were."

I gulped and felt my face flush considerably.

"Yes master, I cannot apologize enough for our discretions."

He took a long hard look at my delicate paper doll face. My features were softened by my relaxation and I had no doubt my true feelings were on full display.

"Hmm," He contemplated.

"Seduced to the dark side you were not, in love with him you are."

"I-..."

The words couldn't come out. Being confronted by Yoda's force ghost and the undeniable feelings I still held for Kylo, crushed me.

"Him home you almost brought. It again you can do."

That sparked a fire in me. Angry tears rushed down my face as I was reminded of the ending of our relationship. That comment hit a nerve I didn't know existed.

"Master Yoda, I cannot. I'm not strong enough, he walked out on me. He is killing anything that moves!"

He sighed and took small steps towards my frail body.

"Learned anything from you if we have, your kind and compassionate heart will lead to his return."

"You're wrong master. My love will not save him. Not this time."

"Let go of your emotions, allowed to you are. Our last hope you are. Bring _Ben_ home."

He disappeared nearly as soon as he had arrived and I was left with my buried feelings erupting out of me.

Anger, sadness, hurt, regret, pain.

Accepting that I loved him no matter what, no matter what atrocities he was committing across the galaxy was heart wrenching. How could Yoda and the other Jedi see me as this compassionate loving person when I'm just as much of a monster as Ben?

And he really thought I could bring him home. After this extremely violent little meltdown of his, I doubted if he would return for years. If at all.

Our love was his destruction.

He hated the way he felt towards me, the way he softened every time I came around, how he let me see the real true side of him. And you know what, I started to hate it too because look at how things turned out.

But violence would never be the answer.

All the people he killed, all the planets he destroyed, would not change how he felt. Why can't he just understand that?!

My tear stained cheeks were visible as I picked the broken pieces of myself off the forest floor and found the courage to return to my duties. At least I still have some ounce of my dignity I guess.

I had rode Zeus here for many hours and couldn't ask that again of my sweet boy. I requested Vican to send my private ship and for my handmaids to return Zeus back to his home in the city. What a day. What had started out as a peaceful attempt to visit our rural citizens had turned into the news of absolute obliteration and the hope the Jedi still had in me.

Too much for one day.

I didn't know how much more of this I could take, I was drowning. I just needed to get away and try to forget about him but I had responsibilities and people looking up to me. Despite what Yoda said, I couldn't deal with my emotions right now. The show must go on.


	21. To The Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four months later you leave to a remote cottage to try and handle your emotions when things escalate.

  
***FOUR MONTHS LATER ***

The waves crashing startled me awake and I panicked before remembering where I was. I had taken refuge in a cottage on the shore, in a place so desolate no one could physically reach me. The stucco of the cottage peeled slightly, the cream colored exterior having deteriorated over the years. The garden in front of it was slightly overgrown and struggling to survive on this terrain. The cottage was small but comfortable.

I needed to heal.

My previous attempts to ignore _his_ leave were foolish. He broke my heart.

The reality of our situation came crashing down and our inability to agree on a resolution for us was our downfall. Inevitable but painful.

It often invaded my mind, the idea of me on his arm with the First Order bowing to us. The temptation of leaving everything and finding him. My mind betrayed me constantly and I was forced to take a leave of absence from my spot on the throne. I did not trust myself or my actions. I was a disaster.

Of course, Atlas saved me and stepped in taking temporary leadership. It would only last for so long though. He had finally found the woman he deserved when he went to assist the Resistance many months ago. Kateryna. She was petite, just coming up to my shoulders and was fiery. She was brought to our planet when Atlas and our troops escaped following Kylo's destruction of the Resistance (as he told me he would do). I only saw her once but her dark brown hair complimented her icy blue eyes beautifully. I knew that she was perfect for him and his bravery would continue with their leadership in rebuilding the Resistance. _Again._

Kylo continued on his fits throughout the galaxy for months. I tried my very best to ignore all the anarchy he created but it was nearly impossible. I couldn't handle it anymore, any of it. It was smothering.

So I left.

Even moving to the cottage, sleep never came over me. Not like the days when he would stay and I would be out like a light in mere seconds. No, my brain never stopped. Like clockwork, every night my brain would play on repeat the memories of _us_ , of _him_ , _his_ hands and _his_ body, _his_ smile, _his_ irresistible control of me and how _he_ showed me the **real** him. It was these memories that I was hoping to forget and yet every night for the past four months I have lied awake with it on my mind.

Did he regret it? Did he regret the impulsive immature decision he made? The cracking of my soul and very being as he walked out the door and shattered my existence? Knowing that I had never let someone so close to my heart and him not even bothering to find a doable solution?

I wanted to scream into my pillow. Track him down and make him apologize to me. But alas I would never see him again. He was the Supreme Leader now and I was the Queen of Chandrila. Two worlds that never should've collided and I will spend a lifetime trying to forget.

But the change of scenery was a start.

I had been at the cottage for two months now and was basking in the sweet silence and beauty of the sea I hadn't seen since I was a mere child. I had taken the time to change my clothing in to something more appropriate this morning before grabbing my data pad and leaving the cottage. It was a risqué bikini but I had covered myself in a thick overcoat as the weather was cooler here. I took the short walk down to the water and enjoyed the absence of company.

The incoming tide kissed the edge of the shoreline as I approached it. The cold salty air combed through my hair as I breathed in its comforting scent. My toes sunk into the damp sand as the frigid wave touched them slightly. I looked at the sea and let the calm wash over me.

I had cycled through every possible emotion since I had been here and was desperate for peace. I had to move on and come to terms with the erratic and unforeseeable ending of us, even knowing that I would never receive the closure I so miserably needed.

_I had no other choice._

I reached for my data pad and reminded Atlas to sit in for me at the next Senate meeting. As I scrolled through the calendar for the next month, my eyes caught on to an event in two weeks, the words burning holes through me.

** "Queen will meet potential kings" **

My breath hitched at the sight and I savagely threw my pad into the sand. My fists clenched and shook with rage. As if my repetitive wishes weren't clear enough to the people beforehand, the insistence on a king would not stop. And with that, my advisors hadn't even mentioned this to me!

The tears slithered down my cheeks and I wiped them away violently, refusing to let my emotions rise over this. A king would silence me! Any decisions I had now would instantly become his. It wouldn't be a marriage, it would be some arranged bullshit! How could my people possibly want me out of power if they "loved" me?

I let the feelings of anger and repent build in me. How much more could I take?!

I picked myself up and marched to the water. I knew the sea was dangerous and unexplored being in the North but I didn't care. I threw myself in to the sandbank and winced at the first splash. I had the air knocked out of me as the freezing water soon enveloped me. The deeper and farther I swam, the more alive I felt. The cold depths of the water brushed my legs as I felt my body numbing to the temperature with the distance I swam.

_But I kept swimming._

My hair was slick to my scalp as the water drenched me in its icy cloak and slathered me with its suffocating pull.

The shore looked far from where I was now and the temperature sat in. The brisk breeze on my already frozen skin was blinding, a reminder that I was still alive. The saltiness of the water licked my purple lips as I struggled to keep my head above water. The uncertainty of what lay below me or beside me kept my heart beating, the suspense a rush.

I needed this, the type of adrenaline only he could give me.

Through the numbness, I knew my hands were shaking under the water. I lifted my fingers, the pruning of my fingertips already setting in and the color of my skin unnatural. My body's reaction to my little dangerous game hit me like a ton of bricks.

I was gambling with my life.

It was hypothermia setting in, I had heard the stories of people who came to the North, the coldest part of our planet. There was a reason it was unpopulated here.

My bones stiffened as I tried to find the ability to swim back to shore. My toes didn't even feel connected to my body as I begged my legs to kick against the cruel sea and bring me to safety. Every stroke was a battle, my body crunching with the movement and my skin becoming ghostly.

Every minute it took was another minute off my life. I had to fight, really really fight if I wanted to make it out of this alive. My lower extremities could not be felt at all as I reached the shore line.

My body collapsed. If I didn't reach my data pad and send an emergency signal I would never be found in time. As I pulled myself up, my arms shook, the muscles too tired to carry me another few feet. Thankfully when I threw my data pad, it had tumbled down to the shoreline. I army crawled with the only energy I had remaining to tug it out of the sand and hit the voice send message.

"Mayday, code 2419." was all I could muster out before I was unconscious.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"She needs rest..."

"She has to take accountability for her actions Vera, this was beyond reckless."

"Give her a break, she's trying!"

"Trying to what? Get over that _monster_? And she really thinks killing herself is the answer?"

"She loved him. She really truly did. You just wouldn't understand. This conversation is over." 

The door was carefully shut and my eyelids flickered at the noises. The conversation I heard was undeniably between Atlas and Vera. His distaste in me never truly improved after erasing his prior emotions for me.

I attempted to open my eyes and shut them immediately, the harsh artificial lighting from the hospital lights being unbearable. I slowly squinted my eyes and saw Vera at my side, her face showing distress.

She noticed my new movement and called my name repetitively.

"Hey, you awake?"

I went to reply but the words didn't come out. I lifted my head slightly and tried to clear my throat to get a few words out.

"Wha-what hap-pened?" I stuttered out.

She glanced at me uneasily before picking at her thumbs and holding her head down.

"You were found unconscious, doctor said signs of hypothermia. You had to be airlifted back to the city. Most of the uh, citizens know about it madam. Quite public news unfortunately."

I gulped and thew my head back onto the pillow. How could I be so stupid? They say hindsight is 20/20 but I felt like my ridiculous mistakes were all I was known for now. Mistake after mistake after mistake! Is this really what I wanted to be known as? The ridiculous young queen who made impulsive decisions on a guy who left me?!

Fuck no.

I was going to do this. Not the stupid pretend acceptance I had tried to pull off when he first left, no that wasn't real. I really really had to move on this time. The cottage did me well for the majority of the time but I had to manage this in the city. I could pull it together right? Right?

"Th-thank you. You are free to go Vera."

She nodded and left the room. I turned over in the small hospital bed and wrapped the white thin sheets around my tired body. The small window was covered with airy curtains but showed just a peak of nighttime rolling in. It didn't matter the time, I was already ready to fall back asleep.

A nurse came in for a brief few moments to check that my body temperature was returning to normal and administer more medicine, but after that I was ready to knock out.

I had only been dozing for a few minutes when I heard the door open and shut. The footsteps were loud, the sound of boots clicking with the tile floor.

My eyelids were heavy but it was instinct to respond to the noise. I opened my eyes and heard my heart rate spike on the machine.

He was here.

Standing right in front of me. There were not enough words in the galaxy to describe how I felt. His hair was long, much longer than the last time I saw him. He was cool and composed but I knew he was destroyed. A shell of the man who was a Supreme Leader. His clothes were bloody. I ignored it and pulled it together enough to realize what he had just done.

"What the _fuck_ are you doing here?" I seethed.

"I had to see if you were okay, Hux told me something happened."

The words coming out of his mouth didn't even sound like the man I once loved. They were cold and sardonic like he had never even known me.

"Ask me why I'm in this hospital bed _Ben_. Ask me."

He licked his lips nervously and wrung his gloved hands together, the first bit of emotion he'd shown since he'd been here. He still couldn't even make eye contact with me.

"I almost died. Actually died." I tell him.

"Not like when you tried to kill me before, no this was unbearable. I healed through all of the shit you put me through, but the pain from this? It was excruciating. My whole body was numb, I literally felt death ready to take me over."

"And it's all because of what you did to me and because I can't fucking get over you. I destroyed my reputation, I made a fool out of myself in front of everyone. I've sacrificed my entire life over my love for you!"

"All I wanted to know was if you were okay! That's it." He said callously, ignoring what I just said.

I was so exhausted and so tired of this battle with him. Does he love me, does he not, did he ever love me? I was done.

I put my weak IV'ed hand on top of his. I suck in a shaky breath and wipe my tears with my free hand.

"Look at me." I said gently, bringing my hand up to his scarred face. A small trail of blood ran down the side of his cheek. I wiped it away with my finger and he flinched in response even though we both knew it wasn't his blood. His eyes finally met mine.

"I love you. I will _always_ love you. But if you have ever loved me, then please let me go. I can't go on like this."

I knew that this would end things. Really end things. And that the memories of our first time and sleeping beside him would all slip from my mind in time. I would never be able to kiss him again or feel him against me. I was having my heart broken in half. But I couldn't do it anymore.

His eyes left mine as he gulped silently.

"You're free." Was all he said before retracting his hand from mine and walking out the door.

The devastation was felt between the both of us as I finally closed this chapter of my life. I had gotten the closure I needed. I'm free.


	22. New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You say goodbye to Atlas and meet the princes vying for your attention at a ball.

I distantly hear my name being called as I'm pulled out of my slumber. It was my last peaceful sleep before returning home, my _real_ home in the castle. I pulled the covers off me and dress out of my hospital gown before Vican comes to get me. I go to the bathroom and pull my hair back away from my face.

Honestly, I'm thankful I had this time in the hospital because I looked nearly dead when I first arrived. Thankfully, after my run in with...him, I had finally made some improvement. My face was fuller, cheeks rosier, and skin nearly clear. I had a bright new outlook on life without him in it and was focused on securing my place in the kingdom. I brush my teeth and grab the rest of my things just as Vican reaches my room.

"I beat you to it, Vic." I say with a wink. He chuckled and led me down a more secluded corridor to avoid the constant wondering eyes. As I board the ship to come home, I was surprised to see Vera.

"Hey, I didn't know you were going to be here." I say sitting down in the seat beside her.

"I know, I wasn't planning on coming. But we have to talk."

I fastened my seatbelt and braced for the lift off as we take off.

"Okay, what's going on?" I say.

She grabbed her data pad to read off statistics.

"Since everything that has happened before and even now since you've been crowned, the people are dissatisfied. Our polls show that only 53% of our inhabitants are pleased with your ruling."

My heart dropped as I knew what this meant. The statistics didn't surprise me, even during the First Order's reign, I had been so distracted that I wasn't leading to my full potential. But this was just the tipping point to fully convince the advisors that I couldn't do this alone.

"Understandable. I'm sure I already know the answer but what exactly does this mean?" I respond bluntly.

"Tomorrow princes from three other planets will be arriving. A ball will be held to decide which prince you shall take as king."

I had one day to settle in at home before deciding my fate. A loveless marriage with an egotistical asshole, unable to becoming king on his own planet. I honestly doubt it mattered if there was a ball or not, all of them would be the same and would end the same. Arranged, pitiful, and not at all what I wanted. There was no point in arguing with Vera, if the advisors wanted this and the people did as well then that was that.

Now I'm almost glad Kylo disappeared after we talked so he wouldn't have to be here for this. I didn't know where he went, nor did I care anymore. We said our goodbyes even if they weren't out loud and I had to accept the fact that it could simply never work. And that he broke my heart of course. But really, I didn't know where he was. No one did. For being the Supreme Leader, I didn't think he was able to just renounce his position but it seemed like he had. At least all the violence had stopped.

I kept quiet during the trip home and was even more reserved back in the castle. The handmaids held up different gowns our seamstresses had designed for the ball but none caught my eye. Iylin noticed my disinterest in what should have been an enjoyable time. She shooed the rest of the handmaids out so we could talk. She came to the side of my bed and leaned across it.

"Come on talk to me." She said matter of factly. For as young as she was, she could read me like a book.

"I'm trying Iylin, I promise I am but how could I possibly be excited for this? All I have ever said is how much I don't want a king. And now my opinion doesn't even matter. " I reply.

"Listen to me," She said hiking up her matronly styled dress to sit atop the bed.

"I know that this isn't what you wanted and you weren't prepared to have to do this so soon. But look at this is a fresh start, these gorgeous men are going to worship you! Take this chance, you'll never get one like it again."

"I know, I know. I have to suck it up." I groan.

"We're going to make you look so beautiful. I'll tell the seamstresses to redesign one of the gowns so these men will have no question that you're the most eye dropping woman they'll ever see." She says giddily. I muster out a smile.

"Do you know what time Atlas is leaving?" I ask off topic.

She glanced at the time on her data pad.

"Just about a half hour."

Shit.

I had to see him before he left, despite whatever negative feelings he held for me. He was going to do something so brave and noble with his life, I couldn't be any prouder. But god would I miss him. We grew up together, we mourned together, we had gone through so much. He was just my best friend, and now he was moving on. We didn't even know what we were going to do yet to find a new leading general, the group of trainees Colonel Akana had recently trained just didn't have the potential. A different worry for another day.

I dash down the staircase and catch Atlas and Kateryna before they leave.

"Almost missed you!" I say out of breath. His gorgeous red tinted locks had been cut short. He had traded his usual uniform for more casual attire. I missed seeing him this relaxed, I could just see that all the pressure and stress he was used to in his position was gone. Kateryna dropped his hand and waited politely for him at their small cruiser.

"So this is it? You're really leaving."

"I am. After everything that's happened here, I honestly could've never imagined leaving Chandrila. But there's just so much more for me out there."

"I know. You will be the change and make a difference in this crazy world. I'm just so proud of you Atlas."

I hug him long and hard, remembering his smell and his warm strong embrace, knowing that the chance of me seeing him again was slim to none. Change doesn't come without consequence and I knew he would suffer them.

"I know you didn't want a king and you are strong enough without one, don't let anyone tell you different. But really, enjoy the ball."

I roll my eyes and let out a sigh before nodding in agreement.

"And despite how hard I was on you and Kylo, honestly it really didn't surprise me." He says randomly.

"I'm sorry?" I say confused, even surprised he used his name.

"You know when we were little. You two always tried to exclude me and our other friends. We were like six and I laughed it off then but now I can see it. I'm sorry for being so hard on you. Look, some things are meant to be and sometimes they really aren't. But there's a whole world waiting out there for you too so let it go. You can move on from this."

The flood of childhood memories came rushing towards me and I blocked them out ferociously, desperate to keep him out of my mind. I had already done my best to erase them from my memory when Kylo invaded our planet so long ago, nothing good came from it. I bite my tongue and focus on the now.

"I guess we'll just have to see. Take care of Kateryna and be safe. I love you."

"I love you too."  
  
  
  


Well today was the day. I had spent last night trying to come to terms with the inevitable events of this afternoon but it still was uncomfortable to think about. I mean it was a flattering gesture, to have all these handsome men come just to meet me. Any woman would dream of a day like this, all of them waiting for my approval. But I didn't want this and unfortunately that didn't matter. My life was now the people's and I abide by what they wish.

I woke up later than usual and showered off, the luke warm water easing the tension and stress I was already feeling. When I went back to my room, my dress had been dropped off by my sweet seamstresses who worked through the night to prepare it in time. It was beautiful. The pale pink full tulle skirt remained but a new bodice adorned it. It was carefully bejeweled with just the right amount of elegance and simplicity. The corset would have to be done up but for the time being, I was ecstatic.

"See what did I tell you! You look amazing." Said Iylin as she came to lace me up. I was soon reminded of the horrendous feeling of being in a corset as I feel my waist cinch.

"Yes, perhaps you were right." I laugh through the pain.

I stiffly walk to my vanity and manage to sit down. The rest of the handmaids start to tend to my hair and makeup as I sat back and watch them whisk around me. They were preparing me slightly early but I was okay with it. The men would arrive at 1500 hours and would be sent to private chambers. Then they had to get ready themselves. The ball would not happen until sunset.

Finally after nearly two hours of their precious work, I was done. It amazed me how long their work could take since I wasn't used to doing it myself, but this was worth it. I awed at myself in the mirror, I didn't even remember feeling this stunning for my coronation day.

I graciously thanked them as usual before retrieving my data pad to make sure the princes' arrivals were going to plan. Thankfully they had arrived without a problem and were now being tended to as planned. At least that went right.

I did start thinking about what they would be like though. What planets would they come from, what systems? Would they have short hair or long hair, dark skin or fair skin? First Order loyalists or secreted Resistance? My advisors had all the information I wanted and my impatience was growing.

I call Vera on my data pad and ask her to send me the information...unofficially. Since I wasn't supposed to know anything about him. It's crazy was somehow supposed to choose a king off of what information they would choose to share with me. As if that would ever work. The notification came in quickly of a link to their case files.

Abraham Kaylin.

Julian Verona.

Spiro Matas.

I was already intrigued as I clicked on Abraham's file first.

**_Abraham Kaylin: Age 25. Ineligible to the throne on planet Toydaria in the Toydaria system. Adopted from Cantonica as an orphan and raised by royal Toydarians. Left age fourteen to the reinvented Imperial Academy. TIE pilot for the First Order for three years. Current merchant._ **

Right off the bat, someone who worked for the First Order. I rolled my eyes but try to remind myself that it was in the past. At least I would enjoy getting to talk to someone who had been around Toydarians, their species was not the most favorited but I had become familiar with them in the Senate. I decide to click on Julian's next.

**_Julian Verona: Age 26. Twelfth in line to the throne on planet Onderon in the Japrael system. Joined Onderon's military age eighteen. Fought in the planet's most deadly battle, Battle of New Bridge. Current leading general of Onderon's army._ **

A military man eh? Perhaps I could get used to that. But twelfth in line? Yikes, no wonder he was desperate to come here and see me. Pretty mundane bio but I was interested to see what he looked like. Only one more to go, maybe his description would catch my eye?

**_Spiro Matas: Age 22. Second in line to the throne on planet Hynestia in the Colonies. Born into the Hynestia Royal Family. Current Droid engineer_ ** _._

I know I wasn't supposed to be looking at these but I was already being critical. An engineer? Really? His description was lacking the most and it bothered me. And why would someone who's only second in line and born into a royal family have a normal job and is interested in becoming king on another planet? Very suspicious to me.

Ugh, stop questioning everything! I'm not even supposed to know this stuff. I needed to pretend I never read this. Stupid inability to be patient. I felt like time was ticking by so slowly now that sunset was approaching. I was nearly going insane staring at my ceiling before Vera came in.

"It's time!"

I eagerly join her as the royal guard fall into place behind me. The ballroom was at the lowest level of the castle, of course requiring me to go down the stairs in these ridiculously high shoes. A guard member looped my arm in his for stability as I held up part of my dress to not trip on it.

Then we were there. The large detailed doors staring me in the face knowing that my future husband was waiting inside. I take a deep breath and hold my head up high, adjusting my iridescent head piece. My stomach felt queasy as two guard members open the doors as I have my grand royal entrance.

The trumpets changed tempo as I waltzed in. All eyes were on me as I scanned the room for the princes. My eyes fell upon the three suited men who moved so they were in my direct view.

_Woah._

Am I drooling? Snap out of it! I locked eyes with the man in the middle. He was tall, fair with broad shoulders and short blonde hair. Not bad. I shift my eyes one over and see a black man with long braided hair and a wickedly hot smile. Pretty nice. And then there was the man on the left. His eyes were glued to the ground and I picked up on an _extremely_ anxious vibe from him. His poorly tailored suit hid how lanky he was and his hair was in loose brunette ringlet curls that fell past his ears. He turned his head to the side and I swear his jawline nearly sparkled in the light. How could someone this attractive be this reserved? He caught my eye to say the least.

One of my royal guard introduced me by my name and I curtsied in response before being accompanied to my throne.

"Introducing Prince Abraham of Toydaria"

The quiet man walked forward and bowed before me. This is the man who was a First Order pilot? Hard to believe. Up close I could see how beautiful his deep set hazel eyes were. They reminded me of Kylo's. **_Stop it!_** I yell to myself. I cannot let him ruin this day for me. I clear my throat as he walked back in line with the other men.

"Introducing Prince Julian of Onderon."

The tall blonde man stepped forward and shot me a wink before giving a small bow in front of me. Confidence was not a problem for him that's for sure. But he's the one from the military so maybe that makes sense? All I knew was that I wasn't attracted to him.

"Introducing Prince Spiro of Hynestia."

The black man with braids stepped forward and refused to bow. Alright then, actions speak louder than words I suppose. Although slightly offended, I brush it off and try to divert my attention to my other options.

Who am I kidding.

 _None_ of these men could ever come close to Kylo. Even if they were attractive, they all had immediately noticeable flaws. One is too cocky, one is disrespectful, and the other won't even make eye contact with me. And somehow out of these one will be my husband. What. A. Joke.


	23. King’s Reign

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You admit your disappointments in your options for king, have a secret meeting with Prince Abraham and announce your decision for king.

"Tell me, tell me! What did you think?" Iylin asked after the ceremony was over. She had snuck in here after the handmaids mandated bed time just to talk to me.

She scrambled up on my bed in her nightgown, her freckled face looking even more youthful in the evening glow that peaked through the curtains.

I had already gotten out of the beautiful dress that had been wasted on the princes and was in my comfortable nightwear. I put my hair in a sloppy braid to keep it somewhat controlled for the night.

I pulled my covers up and crawled into them, exhausted from the night I had.

"Honestly? I didn't like any of them." I say with a sigh.

"What!" she gasped.

"Iylin-"

"But they were _so_ handsome. I could only  
dream of marrying a prince who looked like that." She responded quickly, gazing wistfully into the distance about her own dream.

"Iylin, please! Just drop it for the night." I urge.

Her face fell and she retreated from her overbearing position. She meant well, I try to remind myself. I take a deep breath and word what I really meant.

"I'm sorry that was out of character. I'm just worn out, I guess. Ironic isn't it how simple life was before the First Order came or before I was crowned. I took it for granted."

"It's not an easy job, you're doing your best." She said comfortingly, rubbing her tiny hand across my shoulder.

"My best isn't good enough! Maybe I'm just not cut out for this."

"No, no don't say that. You're such an amazing person, so many of the people love you. And I love you. You're the mother I never had."

I ran my hand over her low-set pigtails and pulled her in to a tight hug. I knew just as much as her how hard life was without a set of parents, I was touched to say the least that I could be that type of figure in her life.

"I love you more. Now go get some sleep before another busy day."   
  
  


A knock at my door at 0300 hours startled me awake.

"Come in." I say groggily, hoisting myself up on to my arms and rubbing my eyes.

The door opened timidly and I turned my light on so I could see. It was the shy prince who had worked for the First Order and wouldn't even look at me tonight.

Out of the suit he looked even lankier, nearly all legs. I couldn't believe he was twenty five with such a baby face. Not a trace of hardness or anger was felt from him, it was so strange after being used to that feeling previously with Kylo.

"Hey."

"Hey, what's up? Why're you up so late?" I ask as he pulls the door shut behind him.

"I just thought I should talk to you with no one around. I get anxious in front of crowds."

He stood awkwardly in front of the bed and I motioned to grab the chair near my side table.

"That's fine, I understand. Couldn't this have waited until morning though?"

"Not really. You supposedly have to choose one of us tomorrow."

I'm sorry? _TOMORROW?_ I just met them, I barely talked to them even at the ball. How am I always the last to know about things involving myself?!

"I wasn't informed of that but yes I can see why you find it urgent now. Let's talk."

"Drop the fake niceness. You don't have to talk so formal with me." He said casually while looking around my room.

"Excuse me?" I scoff offended. I was shocked at his change in demeanor, like some split personality type ordeal. He was too shy to even open the door two seconds ago, what the hell is this?

"It's all bullshit, the whole king and queen stuff so just talk to me normally. Like how you did with _Kylo Ren_."

Now that hit a nerve.

"I'm sorry, you're just going to barge into my room and start talking to me like that? Who are you to call our system bullshit or even bring up my relationship with the Supreme Leader?!" I yell.

He let out a small laugh and I watched his body movement relax.

"See, that's what I'm talking about. That's the real you coming out. And don't freak out, literally everyone knew. I used to be a pilot for the First Order and still have friends in the circle,"

Yeah I know...because I looked at all your personal information and have no patience and am nosy. And I needed to apparently since I'm choosing one of you to marry and spend the rest of my life with in less than a day. But that will all go to the grave with me.

"Oh and he killed Phasma for you so the stormtroopers didn't let that one go so easily."

I gritted my teeth in response and was now even more frustrated than when he first started talking.

"It's not like I asked him to do it, she was a bitch to me and would find joy in hurting me." I yell.

"Isn't that what Kylo did too though? Or were you guys actually just fucking that hard?" He questions, like a little mosquito buzzing in my ear or immature fifteen year old boy.

"God can you shut the fuck up? Stop talking about him." 

He rolled his eyes and got up, done with whatever conversation this was. He was the one digging in to _my_ history with **_his_** old boss and yet was upset by my responses! The audacity of men.

"Well it triggered something in you. And you better hope they find him soon. Hux and his small dick are already waiting to take his spot." He said before closing the door.

As if I care about Hux? Or the amusing fact that Abraham decided to share...even if it was a little funny. I turned my light back off and curled further into my bed, hoping my mind wouldn't revert back to wondering where Kylo went and why he won't come back and do the job he fought to get for so many years.  
  
  
  


"You're late! You're supposed to be ready by now, we have to leave! Brunch starts in twenty minutes!" Vera yelled upset.

If that imbecile hadn't started up a conversation at 0300 I would have actually been able to sleep but no he just couldn't wait and I ended up oversleeping. Her yelling only made things more chaotic as we all were already scrambling to get me ready in time. I think I'm presentable enough to make it through the meal.

"It's fine, I'm ready! Let's just go."

The walk to the other side of the castle where the dining hall was located was already a ten minute walk as it is. Now picture the ten minute walk laced up in an ill fitting corset and a dress that swallows you.

Not fun.

We arrived just on time so Vera can relax. I greeted my advisors on either side of me and made sure I said hello to all of our other important royal staff who had came and the princes of course. Perhaps all the formal greetings were just "bullshit" as Abraham called it but it was my duty.

I took my place at the head of the table and sat my napkin on my lap, making sure the silverware was in its place to avoid any rude glares from the elders.

"It's a pleasure that you invited us all to this meal madam." said the kingdom's beloved advisor. A descendent from Mon Mothma. What she didn't know is that I of course had absolutely zero planning in this event and didn't even know what was going on until early this morning.

"Of course, it's lovely to have you here." I respond respectfully.

"Well everyone, I think we know what we all came for! Let's have our Queen tell us the grand news!" She says standing and raising her voice so we could all hear her.

"News?" I whisper, insipid and oblivious to the question at hand.

"The prince." She mumbled under her breath.

"Of course the prince!" I say aloud.

My eyes scanned the crowded room in front of me, annoyed with the gawking stares of my advisors and our generals. A heat rose around my throat and seeped into my cheeks, my anxiety rising with it.

"I have chosen Prince Abraham." 

Out of the horrible options, he would be the only one I could find myself tolerating. Emphasis on the word _tolerating_. He had some type of complex with Kylo but I assumed he would drop it eventually. At least he had tried to actually talk to me beyond the ball. It's more than what the other men had done.

"Ah, excellent! We will make preparations regarding his coronation and your marriage. Great choice madam." said a different, old and well respected advisor. The meal commenced as they all started to dig in. I saw Abraham's reaction as one of excitement and surprise, probably considering his condescending conversation with me but my options literally sucked.

I offer a polite smile and begin picking at my plate. It was a beautiful meal, the chefs had outdone themselves. My fork danced around the tender meat and sweet roasted vegetables. Any other day, I would have happily ate the whole plate but my mind was elsewhere. Scattered thoughts of a loveless marriage, dreaming of the one man who had disappeared. I just couldn't stop thinking about it.

Where did he go?

Why can no one find him?

Why did he give up **so easy?!**

"Madam, you've barely touched your food." Whispered Vera, interrupting my train of thought.

"I'm not hungry." I mutter back, pushing my plate away from my chest and folding my napkin back on the table.

"If you'd all excuse me, I'll be returning to my quarters. Have a good rest of your day." I announce as I stand up and leave the busy dining hall. For the time being I didn't care much of what they thought of my departure. I smoothed my dress down as my pace quickened, more than looking forward to getting back to my familiar and safe room. Oh please tell me Abraham wouldn't have to be in here all the time too. He could just sleep on a different side of the castle for the rest of our lives, couldn't he?

"Hey hey- slow down there." A voice said catching my arm.

It was Prince Julian, the buff blonde who made me swoon and then throw up from his egotistical cocky ways.

"I'm sorry, do you need something?" I ask.

"You left so suddenly. I'm just wondering why I was informed that I have to return home."

Um... how do I answer this? Is he dense?

"Didn't you hear me at a few minutes ago? I didn't choose you. I'm marrying Prince Abraham."

A loud laugh came from him, a deep hearty one that was no doubt the first real emotion I had seen from him. He noticed that I was not laughing with him and furrowed his eyebrows in anger.

"Wait I thought you were just kidding. There's no way you're serious."

"Hate to burst your bubble but yes I'm serious. And I'd rather not discuss this, don't take it so personal."

"No, you chose him? Over me? Look at me!" He exclaimed, furious that he was somehow not first choice.

"Frankly I'd rather have none of you but I had to choose someone. Your ego disgusts me and it's clearly compensating for something quite small. I'll ensure you leave immediately. Have a nice life _asshole_."

I ripped my arm from him and angrily retrieved my data pad to make his removal top priority. I mean this is ridiculous, these boys are an absolute joke! I didn't deserve to be treated like this, that I know.

But I also knew my place.

The throne came before anything else, anything they wanted it was my duty. This is the life I chose and it's one I will have to accept. At least I got a choice in the men, I could've very easily ended up with no choice in the matter.

My mind was circulating thoughts at a rapid pace, I was desperate now to be in the comfort of my own quarters where I knew no one could bother me. Why can't I just get it together? WHY! Why can't I just be a normal queen who's happy that I even get to marry or have the position I have?

Maybe I can't handle this responsibility.

Maybe I'm not meant to be queen.

I hurled into the large doors to my quarters, tears running freely down my face and coating my cheeks. As I reached my room, the sobs rocked my body now, my entire self shaking from how overwhelmed I was. Why did I always cry all the time, I'm so damn emotional!

I was ready to crash when I literally ran right into someone lurking beyond my bedroom doors.

"Kylo?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this story is going somewhere! Stick around and I will ensure a happy ending for everyone (: Thanks for reading!


	24. Redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is back and explains his departure as things go back to a new normal for you two.

"Kylo, what the hell? What are you doing here?"

He removed himself from the shadows and walked into the light. He was wearing a worn black sweater and form fitting black pants.

He looked so different.

So at ease. I had never seen him like this before. I couldn't find a trace of anger in his aura, everything about him seemed softer. Like the Kylo I had gotten used to completely was just _gone_. I wanted to still be angry at him. Furious for leaving me so heartbroken. But I was overjoyed seeing him again.

"I'm done." He said calmly.

"What-what are you talking about?" I ask distressed. As surprised I was at his sudden appearance, I was grappling with this new "calm" version of him even more. And what the hell he was even talking about. I grabbed his rough hand in mine and pulled him over to my bed to talk. He obliged and followed me with no complaints. The silence only lasted for a minute before he spoke up.

"I left the First Order. I'm done with it, all of it."

He stared into my eyes so intensely, like his soul was fully exposed. God that face. I had missed it so much. I had missed the way he smelled, his scars, his wispy hairs that curved around his forehead. All of it, all of him.

"What? No, you can't leave and be done just like that. You told me yourself how long you've worked to get a position like that. All the sacrifices you've made. I don't understand."

"It didn't mean anything if I couldn't have you." He responded quickly. As I opened my mouth to speak, I had no words. I could not fathom him leaving because of us, or specifically _me_. His hand left mine and gently pulled my loose hair back over my shoulders before holding my face.

He stared at me for a long time. And I stared back. Grappling with the man I love having returned, it was an unexplainable feeling. He kissed my nose so carefully, terrified to make a wrong move but I leaned into his touch.

I was so overwhelmed by what he was telling me. So many years of his life has been dedicated to one thing and one thing only, Snoke and his regime. And the fact that he was leaving it because of me... I was just speechless.

"Kylo, you don't have to do this, I don't want you to give up everything you worked for because of me. It's not worth it." I whisper as our foreheads touched and I bathed in his presence. His hands gripped the back of my neck as my eyes came up again to his that were spilling with emotion.

"I love you." He said.

I felt my own tears starting to fall as those three words finally came out.

"So much. There is nothing in this world that I wouldn't do for you." He finished before wrapping me tightly in his arms

I curled my hand into the bottom of his sweater as his soft skin met mine. I cried into his shoulder as the words I had dreamt of him saying for so many months were now a reality. I finally lift my head up to look at him.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to realize, and I'm sorry I was such a dick to you, and that I left you and gave up on us-"

"Stop. It doesn't matter now. You're here and you came back. I love you and will never stop loving you." I cry.

Our lips collided as the salty tears rushed down my face and mixed into our ever so passionate kiss. One that my lips have ached for and one that filled my heart with so much joy. Nothing, and I truly mean nothing, could beat this feeling. Our lips break apart as I wrap my arms around him again tight.

"Please don't leave me again." I cry into him as I felt my hands wrapping around him so tightly, just terrified that he would slip away again.

"Never again, I promise." He answers, gripping my waist in response and wrapping me tightly. Our embrace felt like it lasted for hours, I could've stayed like this the rest of the day. But alas, I still had responsibilities that didn't go away just because he came back.

"You've missed so much." I say letting him go and wiping away my remaining tears.

"I know. And I know it's not fair for me to come back into your life in the middle of things."

"Kylo I don't care about that. It's more or so the fact that I have to be married in a few weeks." I say nonchalantly.

"I-I'm sorry? Married?" He replied stumbling over his words.

I guess I had gotten used to the idea now. Or the fact that arranged marriages were very common in monarchies. Either way, I knew I had to tell him at some point.

"Yes, I chose a prince today to marry. He's an asshole and disgusts me but my options weren't great. I'll make do I guess." I sigh.

"Make do? You realize that you will be literally married to this man don't you?" He says angrily.

"Kylo what choice do I have? You left me and I was devastated and ruined my reputation. This is my last chance!"

He looked off to the side and bit his lip deep in thought.

"I don't ever want to think about you with another man." He said.

"I know Kylo I-"

" **Ever.** " He said again, emphasizing how serious he was.

"Look at me. I love you. I have always loved you and would never think about being with another man that wasn't you." I say kissing him. He seemed content and laced his hand with my own.

I realized that in the commotion of his arrival, I still had no answers on what happened.

"So where did you go? Why didn't you tell anyone where you went?" I question.

"I went to the island that Luke once lived. And the one that...Rey trained on."

"The girl? Why would you go there?" I ask confused.

"I have a lot of guilt. As much as it has been trained out of me have no remorse, their deaths haunt me. And my father's... I will never forgive myself. I figured with me giving up my place on the dark side, I needed some balance. It gave me that."

I let myself take a minute to understand what he was saying. Truly not believing that he was capable of such an emotion like guilt and remorse.

"What made you decide to go to the light?" I ask. He took a deep breath before answering.

"Seeing you in the hospital, practically dead. And even with all the pain you felt, you still loved me. Despite everything I did to you, you still would've don't anything for me. I couldn't believe it. Almost dead, you still cared for me more than yourself."

I looked away, hating being reminded of what I did to myself.

"That killed me. I have never been in a lower place in my life than after I saw you there." He said.

"But that doesn't explain why you gave up everything. You already knew how intensely I cared for you before then, how much I loved you. I _need_ more answers." I beg.

"I wanted to be good _for you_. I couldn't stand knowing that your demise was because of me and my temper. I had so much regret on ending things so fast that day, and I kept up with you every day after. I _had_ to know how you were and when you went off the grid I was lost." He answers remaining eye contact.

"Well I couldn't handle anything. You wouldn't leave my mind, I was haunted by you." I insist.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I can never apologize enough. Next thing I know you're in the hospital. That day was what changed me. What made me want to be the man you deserve. What made me realize that I loved you so fucking much, I would be willing to give up everything just to see you again let alone be with you like this. The next day I left and went to the island."

A strange tension hung in the air as I tried my best to find the right words to respond with.

"I forgive you Kylo." I finally say.

"I truly cannot express how much I appreciate what you've done for us. You've always known how much I detest your position and the regime, but my love for you overrode my morals. Now I don't have to choose. The fact that you even came back at all is the only thing I have wanted." I reply feeling my voice break. He kissed my hand my cheek and my forehead and gave me one last kiss on the lips.

Me being starved of him and his attention, I was desperately in need to.

"Help me out of my dress?" I ask innocently. A small laugh left him before coming behind me and taking the time to unlace my dress and the horrible corset that came along with it. It was silent but a comfortable silence, one that reminded me of when he unbraided my hair like Leia's. The way his fingers could work so intricately amazed me.

Finally, the dress and corset slid off me with a deep long breath coming out of me too. With myself and my undergarments exposed, I didn't know what he'd think or feel.

Could things go back to normal this soon?

My mind was only left to wander for so long as his muscular brawny arms were thrown around my waist lovingly as he came up behind me and covered my collarbones in his kisses.

"Still so beautiful." He whispered in my ear, leaving yet another kiss at my ear.

He gave me no time to react to his loving comment before grabbing my non clothed body and swinging me over his shoulder.

"Stop! What are you doing?!" I laugh as I felt his built biceps carry me with ease. I was laid lovingly onto my bed as he hovered on top of me and his dark hair fell over his face. His hair reached his shoulders now as it had only grown in the time that I had last saw him. It was very sexy.

I felt his hand caress my face down to my breasts and down to my thighs. He gazed at my body lustfully but wouldn't let himself do anything. He favored instead to flop down on the bed next to me and be the little spoon.

It was so adorable, I didn't even mind. He found more comfort in this than sex and I was more than okay with that. I got up for a minute to undo the covers so we would be more comfortable. He curled into me and I stroked his now very long, soft black hair. He nuzzled his face into my neck and I wrapped my arms around him.

I melted having him in my arms again. My soft sweet boy who had turned to the light. I still couldn't believe it, it felt like I was dreaming. Out of all the things this man was capable of, loving me unapologetically and renouncing the First Order was something I never expected.

But I didn't care. Nothing else mattered but him.

 _My Ben_.


	25. I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get steamy between you and Kylo after Prince Abraham walks in on the two of you.

"Um. What the fuck?" said Prince Abraham when he came into our room the next morning. It woke me abruptly and I was immediately irked that Ben and I's first night back was ruined.

My exposed body was underneath the covers and I was quick to pull the sheets tighter to cover myself from Abe's wandering eyes. Ben took one look at my worried expression and the extreme invasion of privacy I felt and got up instantaneously. My face flushed and I gulped apprehensively at what he'd say.

"You. Who the fuck do you think you are?" Ben replied storming over, having no shame in exiting the bed in only his boxers. He towered over Abe, _by a lot_. There has to be a good six inches between the two.

"I'm her fiancé." Abe said matter of factly.

Ben's muscles tensed as I saw his fists twinge in an urge to lash out. Abe showed no hint of fear as he crossed his arms and let the tension grow as they both waited for my response. I pulled my stray hairs around my ears and sat up farther in the bed to try and compose myself before speaking.

"Kylo, this is the prince I told you about," I answered as I watched both their faces nervously.

"Technically yes he is my 'fiancé'. " I continue, hating that that term belonged to anyone that wasn't Ben. I know hearing it was killing him too.

This however made Abe so very happy. He had gained some type of superiority over his former boss with this new title and all he wanted to do was shove it in his face.

"So my future wife, are you going to tell me why Kylo Ren is in your bed? I thought you two were done screwing." Abe asked after standing there for a minute or two.

Talk about no boundaries. I felt physically sick trying to have this conversation between the one man I love who has dropped everything for me, and this ridiculous _boy_ I have to marry. There was obviously no comparison but Abraham thinks he's so much better than Ben now.

"Don't talk to her that way. Ever." Ben responded defending me. His jaw was locked in anger, teeth gritting anger trying to hold back.

"I think you need to go Kylo, I don't appreciate my fiancé fucking another man." Abe taunted him, testing his limits to the max. Every inch closer he moved towards Ben, the more it infuriated him.

" **Shut the fuck up, I am this fucking close to killing you."** Ben yelled furiously shoving his hand against Abe's much smaller chest, thus pushing him to the ground. Abe looked surprised and offended that Ben would put his hands on him and I would do nothing.

Uh yeah I'm not defending your ass.

"I thought you were done with the First Order. Or did you lie about that too just so you could sleep with her again." Abraham said trying to steady himself from the fall.

 **"THAT'S IT!"** Ben yelled aggressively, throwing fists at Abe's helpless body on the floor. This type of combat was by far what he was the least skilled it but he was seriously fucking Abe up.

And I couldn't do anything but watch as he is beaten to a pulp. But seeing Ben's muscles bulge and the veins in his arms pop out...good lord it was hot.

"Kylo, that's enough get off of him!" I try to tell him, but it was no use. And if I wasn't naked in this bed I would do more but I think Abraham seeing my nude body would have made Ben actually neck snap his neck in half.

After a final few punches, he was pleased with himself and got off of Abe.

Abraham was clinging to the few breaths he could muster out, spitting out blood. It was a nasty sight to see but my heart did flutter a little bit to think that Ben did this for me.

That's messed up.

And now this is my mess to clean up as well which is wonderful. I huff annoyingly and roll over to grab my data pad on the beside table. I send an urgent message for our emergency services to come get him so he could just be out of my sight for now. What the hell is up with this cocky attitude he has all of the sudden anyway? If Ben hadn't just beat the shit out of him, I'm sure he would've still thought he could talk to me however he wanted. I never would've chose him if I knew he was going to act like this anyway.

After a few minutes, out city medical team took him with no explanation needed. He was carried out quietly and Ben was content getting back in bed to sleep more after his one sided fight. I knew his knuckles were bruised and in pain and for once in his life I wanted him to know that I'd take care of him and it was okay for him to not put on a brave face. But sleep took over him. His arm curled around my waist comfortably as he buried his head into my chest. I brushed my hand through his shoulder length hair as I tried to still get some type of work done with him here.

My advisors had already scheduled Abraham and I's wedding for the 4th of next month. That was mere weeks away. Of course I'd have no part in the planning or what type of ceremony would be held, my purpose was to show up and smile and pretend like me doing what was "right" for our planet was not killing me.

How the hell am I supposed to do this?! Submit myself to a king's control for the rest of my life, knowing the small amount of control they have left me will be gone. All my work as senator, the non stop, fast paced life I had lived as a princess to finally be crowded queen. And this is how it all turns out? Is this...even worth it?

"No." Ben said groggily.

He had been listening to my inner monologue the whole time. I know sometimes my thoughts could be loud but this was enough to wake him up.

"I know it's not worth it to you. But this is everything I've worked for since my parents died." I respond.

He shifts his gaze to meet mine and holds my face steady with his right hand.

"You are worth more than this, all of this. I promise you that." He answered, kissing my nose.

I tried not to let myself dwell on it and took his hand in mine that was resting on my face. I looked at his bruised knuckles that had dried blood on them and felt compelled to do something about it.

"Come on, let me take care of this." I tell him as I pull the covers off and throw on some comfortable clothes.

Although still tired, he followed me to the bathroom. I grabbed a hand towel from the linen closet and ran it under the cold water. The stool used for my makeup, now held his tall, lean self. I picked up his left hand and ran the towel over the blood. He winced for a minute before letting me continue and moving on to the next hand. Once they were all clean, I laid the towel down and bandaged them. I was so glad he had let me actually take proper care of him, even if it was something as small as bloodied knuckles.

"Your hair is so long now," I laugh, twirling a strand of it.

"Will you let me try something?" I ask, taunted with the beauty of the long obsidian waves.

"Might as well." He said nonchalantly, fully relaxed in my presence. He was really letting me do whatever I wanted. I went to the back of him and split the hair in half. His hair was at his shoulders now since his time on Ahch-To, and damn did it look good on him. The top portion of hair I put into a small bun and I looked at my creation in the bathroom mirror.

"It suits you." I giggle as laughter erupts from him as well. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his stubbly cheek.

"You know usually I'd never let anyone do this." He says swinging his body around to grip my waist and for once look up to me, instead of it being the opposite.

"Well of course. But you know you love me." I smile.

"Yes. I really do." He says before kissing me gently. His hand snaked around to grab my ass and I knew where things were going. I release our steamy kiss for a second to whisper in his ear,

"It's been so long since I was _fucked_ by you."

His pupils grow wide as the next thing I know, he's picked me up and put me on the bathroom counter. The clothes I had just dressed in were ripped off in a frantic need to fulfill the lust and neediness felt by both of us.

With one hand on my back to steady me, Ben's other hand reached down to my exposed pussy and stroked my clit. My legs buckled in response, weak at the brisk touch I hadn't felt in ages.

"You've missed that haven't you baby?" He said, resuming our sloppy kiss as he inserted two fingers. Moans escaped me as I tried to contain the immense pleasure just his hands were giving me.

"Fuck-Ben I'm going to cum." I groan as I leaned my head back in extreme bliss.

"I don't think so. Suck me off." He commanded while removing his hand from my ever so needy pussy.

I got on my knees and grabbed his long thick cock. He was dripping in precum, the veins on his shaft protruding waiting for me to dig in. I flicked my tongue on the tip and Ben nearly caved at just the first lick, gripping the counter that was now behind him. I let my mouth go all the way down on his cock slowly, teasing him every inch of the way.

"Fuck this." He said before grabbing a fistful of my hair and slamming my head down on his dick. He thrusted into my mouth with his cock hitting the back of my throat with each hit. I grabbed his balls with my free hand and played with them which made him even more turned on.

"God-baby I'm-fuck, I'm going to cum." He moaned, my mouth still taking all his length, resisting the urge to gag. My head bobbed up and down on his cock repeatedly till he couldn't take it anymore.

"Fuck-open your mouth." He said as he roughly gripped my jaw open as I waited for his load. He jerked his wet cock only twice before his cum was covering my face and my mouth. I swallowed what made it in and my hand was ready to start playing with my own wet pussy.

Ben sat back down on the stool and out of breath said,

"Come sit on me. I want to see your face when I wreck you."

We had never done it this way before, but I was desperate to have him in me again no matter what way. I nervously went to straddle him and he gave me a reassuring look.

His hard cock was standing upright as I went and eased myself onto him. I was so tight, every inch stretched me as I went down. I winced a little as I got to the base of his dick.

"You're okay, right?" He asked concerned. My eyes were still shut as I tried to let myself ease to his size.

"Look at me, are you okay? Yes or no?" He said again, worry deep in his brown eyes. I nodded once and picked myself up off his length. He grabbed my hips this time and aligned me to make it easier to go down on him. With every stroke, I felt the pleasure return. Ben's eyes were glued on my face, as he took in every expression of mine as he filled me up. My moans returned as I got into a steady pace riding him.

"Fuck, that's my girl." He said, ferociously kissing down my collarbone and tits. My arms rested around his neck as my pussy was getting more destroyed with every stroke. My back arched as we rapidly sped up, and his fingers brutalized my clit.

"Fuck-shit I-" I muster out knowing I was seconds away from cumming.

"Shhh baby I know." He responded, silencing me with a hot and messy kiss as he continued to ravish my aching clit.

"God-fuck, I-I love you! I yell as I climax, feeling my legs spasm in release.

"Fuck baby, I love you too." He moans as his final thrust did him in and I feel his cum fill me up.

Both out of breath and exhausted, I waited to move until I felt like I could. My arms still stayed locked around his neck as I moved my naked body closer to his bare chest. I felt his heart beating as I rested my head on his sweaty broad body as I caught my breath. A comfortable silence took over once more as I just relished in having him back beside me. When I raised my head, I moved his hair out of his eyes and pushed it around his ears so I could see his face better. That scar, the one that stirred my intrigue and caused him to crash land here nearly a year ago, was fully healed. I knew it bothered him but to me, it represented so much of us and how we started. How much anger engulfed him and controlled his life, how much evil lurked inside when we first met again. He was so different now. He was happy, he was redeemed, he was _mine_.

"I wish you knew just how much I love you." I whisper, pressing my face up to his. His long arms reached around my back and stroked it comfortingly. He kissed me lightly before picking me up and carrying me over to the shower. He turned the water on lukewarm, remembering how much the hot shower water bothered me before.

He stayed to shower with me and I let him take care of me this time. He was so kind and gentle and considerate, he had really changed when he was gone for all those months. I believed him full heartedly now, that he had truly done it for me. Sure, he fought Abe but he did it on _my_ behalf. He's finally let down his wall, he's vulnerable around me and comfortable. It's everything I wanted for us and for him, but now my circumstances were in the way. I'm the problem now.

I knew one thing was certain. If Ben was able to change his entire life for me, then I'd be able to do the same. I will do anything for us to stay together.

Anything.


	26. I Quit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things reach a breaking point as your advisors demand answers about what happened to Abraham.

"Babe can you stop that thing? It won't stop going off." Kylo said annoyed.

I groaned and rolled over to turn off my data pad. It had been going off all morning with nonstop messages from Vera. My finger slipped however and turned on the button that transmits the holographic messages.

"I know you're ignoring me! Can you just answer me for a second! The advisors want to see you NOW so stop hiding!" She grumbled angrily.

The last thing I want to do right now is go meet with my advisors.

I rolled back over and snuggled closer to Kylo. He swooped his arm under my waist and pulled me even closer so I was nearly on top of his chest. He ruffled my hair and kissed my forehead.

"Go take care of it. I'll be here when you get back."

I rubbed my eyes tiredly and let my arms drape over his bare, hard chest. I knew I should listen to him and stop being such a baby. I was just so worried that things could slip at any minute like they had so many times before and I wanted as much time with him as possible.

"I'm not going to leave again, baby. I promise." He answered, hearing my worries. I peered up at him gently. He moved his head downward so he could look at me better sprawled across his body. He ran his hand under my chin and across my cheek and smiled at me lovingly.

"Why're you looking at me like that?" He laughed.

"Because I know you're right and for once you're actually my voice of reason." I say getting up.

"Amazing how much logic I have in me when I'm not busy-"

"Fucking me senseless?" I respond finishing his sentence. That brought out a genuine hearty laugh from him, the type that you can feel radiate all over your body.

"God you are still just full of surprises." He says, using his arms to push himself up against the headboard of the bed we now shared. I shook my head and laughed to myself and went to my closet to get dressed.

I pulled on a deep green satin dress that enhanced the color of my eyes and fit me like a glove. I twisted my hands around my back and started to pull up the zipper but could only get it halfway. 

"Ugh, Ben can you come here! I can't get this up the rest of the way."

Using his old name, I worried what kind of reaction he would have but he said nothing. I heard him stretch and his heavy footsteps coming over from across the room. He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist before zipping me up the rest of the way. Grabbing my hands in his, he turned me around so I'd face him. He looked at me up and down with hungry eyes.

"You look amazing." He said lacing our fingers together.

"Hey I just-" Iylin said coming in without knocking.

"Oh gosh sorry I-I didn't know." She said, realizing who was standing by me.

"It's okay. You can come in." I tell her, motioning her to close the door behind her. Ben dropped my hands at her entrance.

"So what's going on?" I ask her, finishing getting ready.

"Vera wanted me to come get you since you won't answer her. It's like urgent." She said eyes glued to Ben's half naked body, roaming around like he owned the place. A place that _she_ practically lived in considering how often she and the other handmaids spent their time here. I could tell that she was uncomfortable.

"How so?" I respond, leading her out of the room so she wouldn't be so uneasy.

_I'll talk to you later when I get back. Just don't leave and don't mess anything up._

I say in my head, knowing he would hear me. We walked down the hall to where Vera and my advisors were waiting for me.

"It's about Abraham, the prince. He's like...really messed up. They think you did it to him." She said in a hushed whisper.

"Me? Are you serious? Look at me!" I respond offended.

"Well obviously I didn't believe that in the first place. But clearly now that I know who did do it, you need to figure out what you're going to say. If you want to keep him a secret that is."

Of course I didn't think of the repercussions when Ben decided to beat Abe to the ground, I should've done more to intervene. What the hell am I going to say? "Oh hey sorry my kinda boyfriend kinda don't know what he is decided to almost kill my fiancé. Whoops!" No that would clearly not go over well. I've got to make up some kind of story.

"Lets go to the hospital first." I say.

"What? They've been waiting for you all morning we're almost there!" She responds confused.

"I have to go talk to Abraham." I answer.

We speed walk across the castle and down to the first story where he was being kept. After enough "excuse me's" and "pardon me's" were said while hustling to his room, we finally made it.

In the white cold hospital room laid Abraham. His face bruised and covered with marks all over, dried blood still left behind. An IV was hooked up to his arm and after dealing with that myself not too long ago, I knew it was no fun.

"Hey." I say quietly, pulling a chair over to the side of his bed. His eyelids fluttered a few times before he opened them.

"Can you go away?" He said rudely.

I scoff offended.

"Look I'm trying to apologize on Kylo's behalf. And perhaps my own for not stopping him sooner. I'm sorry, okay?"

"Why don't you stop making excuses for him and look at all the shit he's done. Do you even care that he could've killed me? Or are you just wrapped around his fucked up evil little finger?" He responded snarkily.

"Don't talk about him like that. You don't understand anything about us or what happened before you showed up here. And you were the one acting like a little bitch being so insulting and condescending towards me!" I say back, any guilt I felt for him quickly dissolving.

"Oh who gives a fuck. I don't know why you think you're some big deal just because you got the title of Queen. You're not even a very good one."

Feeling the anger bubbling inside of me, I got up abruptly pushing the chair away from me. Leaning over the hospital bed, I made sure I was right in his face.

"Just shut up and listen to what I'm about to say. Got it?" I tell him.

"Stop acting like you can even do anything to me-"

"Listen here. In case you haven't noticed, that Kylo you knew so well is still alive and well and it'll take two seconds for him to kill you. So shut your fucking mouth and follow me. Are we clear?"

He turned his face away from me and I forced his swollen jaw to turn back towards me.

"I said are we clear?" I ask him again, demanding an answer.

He nodded once in agreement before I told him the "real" story of how he got so bloodied and threatened his life if he told anyone the truth.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"So nice of you to finally join us. It's only been about, I don't know, FOUR hours of waiting." Said the grey haired woman sitting across the table. She tapped her perfectly manicured nails across the table in perfect rhythm.

All of the advisors looked pissed. But not without reason as I knew already I had caused quite a disturbance and irritation with how long they had to wait. I just didn't care.

"I apologize, this morning has been quite um-" I clear my throat for a second and see Iylin giving me a glare from across the room.

"Chaotic I suppose. Would you like to tell me what this meeting is about?" I question innocently.

"We were informed that our emergency services had to depart last night to take care of Prince Abraham. He was severely wounded." Responded the large bald man near me.

I fake a shocked look and pretend to be concerned.

"Oh no! What happened to him? Is he going to be okay?"

I saw out of my peripheral Iylin rolling her eyes at my overly worried expression.

"Well yes from what we have heard. But we are quite concerned as to what happened. They said this happened inside your quarters."

The bald man pushed up his round glasses and chatted quietly to his other close acquaintances.

"Oh my. I suppose that could be a possibility, I heard a disturbance late at night. But I was so busy with Iylin and my other handmaids I had no idea what was going on."

"So tell me then on your account what you presume happened?" The grey haired lady responded this time, clearly assuming I was lying.

"Well of course it had to have been one of the other princes. No doubt they were upset, especially Julian when they heard I had chosen Abraham. I'm sure it was out of pure jealousy."

"And you're sure it wasn't the man who snuck into the castle a few days ago?" Said the same bitter old woman.

My face went white as I felt my palms start to sweat, an itch crawling across my body as I tried to swallow my nerves.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I say pathetically.

"Do you take us as fools! You give us answers and you give them now!" She demanded.

I guess the rest of the advisors were not in the loop as they looked at each other wondering what in the hell was going on or who she was even talking about. Nonetheless I was sure at this point they were all fed up with me anyway.

"I owe you no answers. I am your queen." I say sternly.

"You can't use that title to get out of talking to us. What is going on, tell us the truth!" Said the bald man, following the old woman's lead despite not knowing what was going on.

"The truth? You really want to know the truth!? How about the fact that you're making me marry some pathetic loser in the first place? Or that none of you trust me enough to rule over this planet alone? Or the fact that you've all made me hate this position no matter how much I care for our people!" I yell, kicking the chair behind me and gripping the edge of the table so tightly that my knuckles turned white.

"Listen little girl. You should be grateful for this. Our people voted you in to begin with because they believed in you. It is not their fault or ours that you let them down. Especially when the First Order was here."

The old lady pointed her finger at me accusatorially and it was enough to send me over the edge. 

"As if that was even my fault! I was held prisoner by them and beaten and everything else, I sacrificed myself for this planet!" I snap back, full of rage and fury at this pretentious old woman.

"I will say this one time and one time only. If you can not handle this position then give it up. Clearly a monarchy is not worth it for this planet."

"Fine. I quit." I say throwing my jeweled headpiece across the table. If they didn't want me then I certainly didn't want them. I was done with this bullshit.

"Oh and fuck all of you." I added turning back around and flipping off every single one of them before walking out of the room.

This was over.


	27. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You reveal the news of your departure to Kylo when Vera and Iylin confront you about leaving.

"Woah woah woah what happened?" Kylo said as I stormed back into my room. The copious amount of tears had slid down past my neck now, leaving a shiny hue in its path.

But they were rage filled tears. I was angry.

No, I was fucking _furious_ that I had to give up the one thing I have worked so hard for and cared so much about. I dedicated the latter part of my life to this, this fucking joke. How could I have ever been so stupid to believe that they believed in me or could have ever truly accepted a woman in that position? All the wasted time, all the wasted energy, all those days everyone pretended like I was doing such an amazing job and actually making a difference. 

It was all _bullshit_.

"I quit. I fucking quit! I'm done, I don't care anymore. I don't give a fuck what happens to this stupid fucking planet." I respond, fists clenched and tight.

"What?! Stop, please just calm down for a second." He said dumbfounded, urging me to slow my pace as I quickly started ripping through the items in my room to take the few belongings I wanted. Ever since he had seen me again, all he knew was my absolute devotion to this planet. I poured my soul into this place and now wanted to burn it to the ground.

I disregarded what he said and continued to anxiously pull my fingers through my hair. My mind began to race thinking about what to do next, where to go, how I would ever cope with this. Ben saw the franticness of my actions and could just tell this was something serious.

He met me on the other side of the room, saying nothing but wrapping me in his warmth. Arms tight and secure around my shaking, scared body. He held me for a long time as I soaked in his comforting scent and felt the safety of him wash over me. When he finally released me, I saw how my actions were affecting him. He was worried. Genuinely, truly fucking concerned that I had absolutely lost it. He'd never seen me like this before.

"Talk to me, please. Just let it out." He pleaded with me.

His hand caressed down my cheek and across my jaw, thumb resting on my quivering lip. I tried to catch some deep breaths so I could calm myself and tell him what the fuck just happened.

"Being queen, I literally quit. I'm done. The way they treat me, the complete lack of respect they have. I can't live in this type of environment anymore, I'm going to go fucking mad." I cry.

He gulped apprehensively, trying to find the right words to not continue upsetting me.

"I understand that, but this is your entire life-"

" _Ben_ , you're my life now." I say, bringing my hands to meet his own.

That glimmer in his eyes, the look of absolute astonishment he still held that someone could truly love him that much. It got me every time.

"Look, you did this for me didn't you? What options would I be left with if I stayed? I'd be married to that prick and you and I could... never be together." I said sheepishly.

"I know that. And I know I would never fit in here. And I would have to sit through your fucking wedding and watch from afar for the rest of your reign but that doesn't matter. I love _you_ and no one else in this world matters. I would be willing to do that if it means you were happy." He yelled, passion straining his voice.

"I could never be happy like that! Without you, nothing makes sense. I would never for a second want you to waste your life like that for me to begin with, but there is nothing stopping us now. We can go wherever, do whatever, be nonexistent if that's what you want. Our options are limitless." I answered. 

The door swung open as Kylo and I's heartfelt conversation was cut short. Vera and Iylin were side by side, anger written all across Vera's face despite the tear streaks I could see.

"You tell me right fucking now what the hell that was! You quit? Just like that?" Vera yelled, boiling over with just how absolutely furious she was.

"Vera listen to me-"

"No you know what, I don't want to hear it. You know damn well how hard all of us worked to make this a reality for you and you failed us."

"Don't. You know how low my acceptance ratings had dropped, half of the citizens I would pass hated me and put on a fake fucking smile to cover it up."

"Fine, then you failed me. And Atlas. And Iylin."

At the mention of her name it was the first time I looked over at Iylin. Her sweet pale face was littered with tears like my own and my chest felt tight at that sight. It absolutely broke my heart. She was still just a child, now caught up in my mess.

I wiped the tears that continuously fell and promised myself that I was making the right decision.

"Vera just listen to me. I love you both so much, more than you know. And I love Atlas just the same. But if you two love me then please let me go."

"No! You know this isn't just about you. The monarchy will die completely with the end of your reign. Iylin was seven once this all started, she's still a child. She'll go back to the orphanage and in poverty as will the rest of the handmaids. You really want that for her?"

Vera's guilt tripping was ripping me apart, the revelations of my decision becoming ever so clear that this would ruin Chandrila. Even if just for the foreseeable future.

"I would never want that for her and you know it. Don't make this into a spite filled decision, I did this for all of us. Do you know how much worse things would've gotten after I married Abraham? He would've worked you like dogs."

"Well I guess we'll never know, will we? Our options now that you're leaving are just as bad." She said, tears long gone and replaced by unfiltered spite and resentment.

Although everything Vera was saying was true, most of this was coming out so bitter because she was hurt. I don't know if she'll ever forgive me for this, nor will majority of this planet. But I know I'm still making the right choice, I know it in my gut.

I turned instead to my sweet young friend who stood silent beside her. I know that she was so scared of what would happen next, her fate undetermined with the rest of the royal staff. And maybe for them I was a failure, I was ruining their lives. But what mattered to me now was this ray of light in front of me.

"Look at me Iylin. I promise you I will support you no matter what,"

Her soft eyes peered up at mine as she sniffles, trying to control her tears.

"And when the advisors start to spread that the monarchy has fallen, you will leave and find a new planet to settle. Okay? Vera will go with you, and you won't be alone. No matter where I end up, I will not abandon you. I will find a way to take care of you." I say, hugging her tightly.

She couldn't control her tears anymore as she knew this would be our final goodbye. It was true, I loved her like she was my own. And no matter where I went with Kylo, I would not leave her to fight through the nightmare of my departure and the fear of not knowing where she would live or where her next meal would come from if she resorted back to her previous standing. With all the wonderful technology in these worlds, I knew I could keep her safe elsewhere. If I was abandoning all my other duties, this one simple promise I could keep.

At the mention now of Vera being given a ticket out of here when shit hit the fan, she retracted whatever ill-will she was about to spew next. Vera gave me a look of acceptance with the situation but I know there would be no forgiveness for a long time to come. At least we could both agree to keep Iylin safe.

Ben came forward from where he had been, quietly taking in everything going on in front of him. 

"You take care of her, yeah?" Vera said as he came up, in reference to me. Even despite all her current feelings towards me, she still wanted to make sure I was safe.

"Of course, I always will. She's my forever." He responded, as his arm creeped around my back holding my waist snug in place. I smiled to myself, knowing that this decision truly solidified us and our possibility of a forever.

"So I guess that's it. This is really our last goodbye?" Iylin said, managing to get words out this time that weren't full of sobs.

"Yes this is goodbye."


	28. What Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Kylo leave Chandrila together with no plan.

• Days Later •

Leaving the castle behind is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. 

My advisors called my decision a mistake, a rash judgement and were sure I would return. But I refused. I wanted to make a very quiet exit from the throne in the most polite way possible but the kingdom wouldn't have it. The people were in uproar. Abraham left to go back to his home planet after the dissolution of the monarchy which was a small redeeming factor. But by providing no explanation for my departure, the people were still furious and felt betrayed. This would undoubtedly ruin Chandrila. 

It broke my heart, there was no right thing I could say that could validate me leaving. I had run out of tears by the end of packing up all my things, but Kylo stayed by my side through it all. Every breakdown, every time I started overthinking, his support and love for me never faltered. It kept me sane as I watched everything go to ruin around me and had to watch Vera and Iylin leave to find refuge elsewhere. I had luckily convinced my former personal pilot Vican to accompany them however and fly them safely. Kylo pulled some strings with the First Order and was able to provide discreet transport for them along with a ship for us. 

In the wake of Kylo's own leave from the First Order, Supreme Leader Hux had taken over. Business carried on as usual for the First Order, most generals too engrossed with the idea of moving up in the ranks to care where Kylo disappeared to. Which was a blessing in disguise as I hoped they would never seek him or us out. But Hux would not last for long in Kylo's position. Even with all the resentment and hatred Hux had inside him, Kylo and I both knew he did not have what it takes to lead an order of their size. But whatever misery he was going to spread across the galaxies was no longer Kylo or myself's concern. For the first time in our lives the only people we had to worry about is ourselves and doing what’s right for us. In the few hours of light we had left before we were to depart, Kylo and I had scouted a planet to potentially settle on far in the outer rim, a quiet and remote land that we could make our own.

I was so ecstatic to travel and see what this move could mean for Kylo and I but that did not change however the uncertainty that remained for us. We were jumping in head first not knowing what the outcome might be. And that was terrifying. The feeling of boarding the ship knowing I could never return home made me physically sick to my stomach, but I could not let myself regret the decision to leave home. 

I was making the right choice. For us. 

"Please come sit up here, you haven't said a word since we left." Kylo pleaded with me. 

I had been sat in the cold darkness at the back of the ship since we took off. I was a ball of emotions, still coming to terms with the sheer intensity this all carried. I could not come back. I felt a piece of myself ripped away as I left behind the safety of Chandrila and the place I had called home all my life. Knowing how angry they were with me hurt even worse, I felt like the worst queen in the history of the galaxy. 

"You know one day they'll forgive you." Kylo said while flying, desperate to reassure me. For as long as we had known each other, I still was not used to him being able to read my mind. 

"Doubtful." I replied bitterly. 

"Come on, please?" He asked again. 

I begrudgingly get up and make my way to the copilot seat. I had been oblivious to the status of our journey but as I sat down I realized we were traveling at light speed. We were still many systems away. I settled into my seat as we still had quite a while to go and curled my knees into myself. I watched him as he was flying, hands gripping the controls tightly, veins protruding from his hands up through his forearms. I curbed my attention elsewhere and we sat in silence as I couldn't be bothered to make any comments on Chandrila anymore. 

"You know your father would be proud of you. You're a really good pilot." I say hours into the trip after watching him fly for a while. 

He shifted in his seat but didn't respond. I knew it was still an uncomfortable subject for him but at this point it had been a year since it happened. Which doesn't change the pain and regret Han's death would still have on Kylo but everyday progress could be made.

"I'm sorry I know it brings up bad memories but I think you should try to start talking about it Ben."

"Don't. Don't call me that name when you're talking about him." He snapped, the anger seething through his voice. His knuckles tensed and his grip tightened around the control wheel. 

"Okay okay I'm sorry!" I reply, hurt that he was reverting back to a place of such anger.

"I just want you to have the option to talk about it if you want to, okay? Hey look at me," I softly say, crossing over the middle dash to straddle him in the pilot seat. 

I wrapped my arms around his neck as he switched the controls to autopilot. His arms instinctively went around my waist, hands inching downwards. 

"I love you. So much. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. If you don't want me to bring it up again then I won't, that simple." 

"It's not your fault. I just can't, I can't live with myself." He said frustrated, nodding his head downward in despair. 

"No, no don't talk like that. You are worth more than that one decision you made. Look at you now." I say pulling my hands across his face to have him look at me again.

“Yeah look at me, I abandoned everything I worked for and made you leave your position and your home. How is that anything great?” He said sadly. 

“You’re forgetting the best part of all. We’re free. Actually free Ben. That’s a feeling I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.” 

“There was a price to pay.” 

“Yes, there is always a price for freedom. And I’m not going to say that this is going to be easy because it’s not. But this is a brand new life for us, a life we can share together.” 

He gazed into my eyes with such love and passion, it poured out of his soul. I dropped my hands to his sides and wrapped him tightly in a hug. I nuzzled my head into the curve of his shoulder and squeezed him lovingly. He traced figures on my back letting me sit there comfortably and at peace in his lap. 

Every wall he had broken down, every time he left, all the pain and hurt and misery that we had suffered through was all worth it because of this. This was bliss. This was happiness. 


	29. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo surprises you with your first home and you get your first visitor.

The word "home" had taken on a new meaning. Over the span of my life, the word home had belonged to many people and places, some of who would never realize it. It was a word that held so much power and significance in my life.

From my parents...

to my people and Chandrila...

to Kylo and our new home....

to this.

Kylo was without a doubt my permanent home and my safety. He was the peace and tranquility I could forever count on in this unbearable world we lived in. And with the addition of our new home it felt like the word couldn’t belong to anything else but him.

But this, whatever this was took the cake. 

It was foreign and odd; it didn't feel right. But at the same time it felt like it was destined for me, that my sole purpose in the world was this. It was the euphoria I did not know still existed in this world, the answer to the questions I asked for years. The most precious gift I could ever ask for...

• Four Hours Prior •  
———————————————————————————

"Kylo, it-it's beautiful!" I said awestruck. 

We had finally landed on Takodana, a peaceful forest planet that had been neutralized after an attack a while back. The greenery was overflowing, reminding me of the planet I left behind. Kylo had made arrangements before we left that he didn't tell me about.

It was a small cottage he had bought for us in exchange for just a few bits of First Order information he gave to the owner. His ability to still pull the strings just because of his former position was a blessing in disguise. 

"Is it okay? I wanted to surprise you and I know it's not the best but I just thought it would be a good starter for us." He said worried that I wouldn't like it. 

"No it's even better than I could imagine, almost like the homes on Chandrila. Seriously, I love it! Almost as much as I love you." I say turning to him and reaching up on my tiptoes to wrap my arms around his neck. He kissed me gently and picked me up. 

"Stop stop!" I giggle as he spins me around. The way he picked me up with such ease amazed me, I felt weightless in his arms. But I suddenly started to feel sick to my stomach. 

"Seriously Kylo, please stop." I say again with a change of tone. 

"Hey wait, are you okay? What's wrong?" He started asking concerned as he put me down. I clenched my stomach with my hands and turned away quickly.

"I'm going to be sick." Was all I could muster out as I emptied my stomach into the forest. He rushed to hold my hair back as I tried to clean myself up. 

"I'm sorry you had to see that, I'm never sick. I don't know what's up with me." I apologize, embarrassed as could be that the one time I'm sick he's right by me.

"Don't apologize, I'm worried about you baby. What's wrong?" 

He ran his hand across my forehead to feel if I was warm. Not feeling anything, he pressed his hand against his back slightly as we walked with me into the cottage. Once inside he sat me down and I felt my stomach settle. 

"Nothing's wrong, I'm sure it was just a one time deal. No worries okay?" I say offering a small smile. Surely it was just an isolated incident, I'll be fine. People get sick all the time right?

Feeling my body normalize, I get up and look at the rest of the inside of our little cottage. It was pretty small, smaller then what either Kylo or I were used to but it was ours. And because of that, the size didn't even matter. I started to imagine all the different events we would experience here in our home, all the love that would fill it. For once in both of our lives there was no one else on our heels influencing our every move.

"I know, it's crazy isn't it?" He said agreeing with me. I jumped, startled at him behind me and irritated that he had read my mind so easily once again.

"You better stop listening to me all the time! You're going to overhear something you didn't want to know one day." I tease. 

"Well you know how to do it as well, you just haven't tried again since you did it to me. I bet you could master it pretty easily." He responded nonchalantly. Taking my hand in his own, I trailed behind him as he led me outside again. 

"That's not fair, you're one of the strongest force users to ever live! Of course it's easy for you." I say whining, still teasing him.

"Don't sell yourself short," He retorted with a laugh.

He'd lead me to a clearing right near our cottage. It was a great place for a garden, maybe needed a little work but it would be stunning in no time. The forestry surrounding us was overgrown a bit, surely because the original owner didn't live here full time. But it was teeming with potential, and there was no one around us for miles. 

Despite this little cottage being everything I had wished for after living on Chandrila, I honestly believe I would have been happy anywhere with Kylo. 

"You know I could train you if you really wanted." He continued, still rehashing the point he'd made before.

I stopped in my tracks, astonished that he was even willing to offer such a thing. The weight that the whole "training" ordeal he suffered through still weighed heavy on his conscious. I didn't know what to think honestly. 

"I'll think about it. Touchy subject though don't you think? I mean despite your training difficulties, I know you can't forget our first encounters with each other that involved the force." I answer as Kylo laid out a blanket on the ground that was in my belongings. 

I sat down and stretched my legs out. Not happy with my position, I laid back and leaned myself on my forearms. I was still uncomfortable though and frustrated as Kylo came back to sit next to me.

"And what does that mean?" He countered. 

"The only person to ever invoke me to use the force was you. And as I recall, we didn't use it too nicely with each other." I said honestly.

"As I recall the first time you saw me I was a bloodied disgusting mess." He remembered. 

"And yet I was still completely enamored with you and how beautiful you were." I say leaning into him. He looked down at me and smiled, fondly remembering how enchanted I was by him. 

"Can you sit behind me though? I can't get comfortable. My back has been killing me for a few days but I'm really feeling it now." I ask. 

"Of course." He said promptly, moving behind me so I could rest my back against his strong chest. Finally comfortable with my own version of a pillow, I finally relaxed. 

"This is it. This is just perfect." I said contently as we watched the sunset. I moved my head so it fit just right into the crook of his neck. His hands came around me and squeezed my thighs. 

As he started to kiss my cheek and down my neck, his hands traveled in between my legs. Normally I would be just as into this if not more than he was but something wasn't clicking. 

"Hey, I'm not really in the mood right now. I'm sorry." I say sheepishly. 

"Don't apologize, there's nothing to apologize for. I'm just as happy sitting here with you by my side." 

As the breeze picked up, I fell into a quiet sleep with nonetheless but Kylo's arms wrapped around me securely. It was just what I needed with how exhausting everything had been the past few weeks. It was peaceful and serene before I started hearing noises coming from the west side of our new land. 

"Baby you have to get up, someone's coming." He whispered.

I was extremely irked that my sleep was interrupted but I got up abruptly anyway seeing that this was some type of unforeseen situation. I brushed myself off from sitting on the ground and walked with Kylo back to the front of our cottage. There was no use in trying to run away, it was inevitable that whoever was coming was almost here. 

“Just stay calm and everything will be fine.” He murmured to me. 

Sure enough within a few minutes, a woman arrived. She was a peculiar creature, one I had never encountered before even with my time on the Senate. She was short and bright orange, wrinkled and wore big glasses that fit tightly around her head.

“I knew there was newcomers here after Kazaqan sold the place. Little did I know it would be you.” She said spitefully, staring daggers at Kylo’s stiff body.

I turned to look over at Kylo and he swallowed anxiously, like he knew who this woman was and perhaps why she was so disgusted. Trying to take the lead, I go and introduce myself.

“Hi, I’m sorry for not introducing myself prior, we just landed a few hours ago. I’m the former Queen of Chandrila as well as the former Senator for our planet as well. I hope you don’t mind us settling here.” I say kindly sticking out my hand. 

She looked me up and down, trying to figure me out. She huffed and stuck out her hand in return. 

“Maz Kanata. I suppose you don’t know much about here do you?” She says introducing herself. 

“No ma’am, I believe Kylo knows more about it than I. It’s beautiful though, these forests are just amazing.” 

“Yes well Kylo here also destroyed our planet just a year or two back. Took us a long time to rebuild it, especially my prized castle in the city.” She said knowingly, crossing her arms together in exceedingly obvious judgement. 

Now understanding why she was so irritated with him and with us being here, I attempted to make amends.

“I apologize, Kylo failed to mention that.” I say gritting my teeth in annoyance as Kylo stayed silent. 

“Not your fault dear, I can feel your presence on the light side just as easily as I once felt Kylo’s on the dark,” She says as if she knows him so well. 

“But you, you’ve changed. You’re in the middle now, balanced in the force. I thought what everyone said was just a rumor but it’s true, I can feel it.” She commented facing him. 

“Yes, I-I left my position. She’s who changed me.” He stammered nervously. I couldn’t believe how he was acting, like a little boy who had his hand caught in the cookie jar. I’d never seen him act like this before.

“And tell me then if you’ve changed and have this darling ray of light in your life now, what are your plans for being on my planet?” She replies, emphasizing that she was in control here. I appreciated her complementary attitude towards me though.

“Just a simple life with her. I won’t cause any problems, or come near the city if you don’t want me to. The First Order doesn’t even know we’re here.” 

Maz stood and thought to herself for a minute, eyes still analyzing us with as much intensity as when she first got here.

“Hmmm. Very well then. You’re lucky I believe in second chances.” She says as I feel Kylo breathe a sigh of relief next to me. 

“And that I do respect your lover is pregnant.” She continues.

“What?” I gasp.


	30. Oh Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grappling with the news of your baby, you and Kylo eventually come to term with the news and settle into your new lives.

"I'm sorry no, you must be mistaken." I say, taken aback at the outrageous claim she just made.

"I'm over a thousand years old my dear, I can spot one carrying a child quite easily." Maz answered.

My mind starts spinning, the world slowing down around me. I was in pure shock. It was like everything came crashing down around me in complete slow motion. Kylo was no better, face a ghostly white and eyes wide.

"You'll have to excuse us." Kylo said choking on his words, taking me under his arm and practically shoving me through the doors into the cottage.

I immediately started pacing, thoughts jumping from one another at rapid speed. How could we take care of this? I'm not ready to be a mother, I can't do this!

I run my hands anxiously through my hair and down my face, wondering genuinely how the fuck we would do this. Or maybe how _I_ would do this.

Kylo never wanted to be a father, he never planned on this. He'd made strides since he left the First Order and was finally in a good place but this jeopardized it all.

Who's to say he'll stay? This could be just the tipping point.

I stop my pacing and join Kylo over where he was sitting. His face was cast downwards, mind roaring with the most pessimistic thoughts I'd seen from him since he turned. We both sat in silence, too scared to confront the elephant in the room. How was I supposed to even bring this up, let alone what we were going to do? This wasn't planned, this wasn't how things were supposed to be. Everything was falling into place, and now I'm carrying a _baby_?

I still couldn't even say the word. It didn't feel right, it didn't seem like a word that could ever be used to describe me. But it was the truth. I was carrying our child inside me and I had to get used to that.

Unable to continue sitting still in the silent room, I got up without a word.

"Where are you going?" Kylo asked.

"I'm just going to go on a walk, clear my head."

"No, you're not going anywhere without me." He said sternly, popping up out of his seat.

"I'm sorry?" I scoff. "That's absolutely ridiculous, do you even hear yourself?"

"I don't want anything to happen to you because I'm not there. Or to you know..."

"Our _baby_? Is it the word you're trying to avoid? Because it doesn't change the child growing inside me right now, no matter how hard you want to avoid it!" I yell.

Despite his height and large stature, he's never looked smaller under my words. It was eating him alive.

"We have to talk about this, I'm not going to pretend like it's not happening." I say calmer trying to regain my composure.

"I don't," He said taking a breath.

"I don't know anything about this stuff or what to do. I can't fucking believe this is even happening."

"I know that and neither do I. But no one is making you stay so if you want to go, you're free to leave now." I say motioning to the door.

The hurt those words carried were instantly etched all across his face. He opened his mouth to talk but nothing came out. Pursing his lips, he took a minute before he found the right words.

"You seriously think I'm going to leave you and our-"

"Baby. Say the word. I'm pregnant _Ben_ , I'm carrying our child!" I cry.

He was on the verge of tears at this point, the conversation evoking the most suppressed emotions from the both of us.

"Look I know you, and I can hear what you're thinking. You don't have to stick around." I mutter, the pain clear in my voice at this point. I turned back around to the door and opened it, ready to just make a run for it and have some time alone. But before I know it, footsteps are right behind me.

He came up to the door where I was stood and stepped outside on to the porch with me. He grabbed my wrist to prevent me from leaving and pulled me closer to him.

"I'm scared okay?" He said honestly. "I don't know how to be a father. I never thought this would happen. Just give me time, please."

Tears sticking to my cheeks, I felt a pang of guilt as I realized how much I was lashing out on him. I was scared too, I didn't know what I was doing either and it was unfair of me to be acting this way. I was ultimately projecting all my feelings onto him.

"I'm sorry, I'm just so overwhelmed." I whisper.

"We can do this, I know we can," He said, hope glimmering in his eyes. "When I told your friends you were my forever I meant it. You and our _baby_ are forever."

——————————————————————————-  
 ** _Seven Months Later_**

"Okay focus, center your energy. Put all your strength into this!" He motivated, urging me to try one more time at this.

"Ben, I'm trying my best! I'm nearly nine months pregnant." I whine, nearly finished with our lesson for the day.

"I know that darling." He said sweetly, leaning over to kiss me and rubbing his hand over my now gigantic stomach. It looked like I had a watermelon under my shirt.

"Can we be done for the day please?" I groan, extremely exhausted.

"Yes my love. Go rest up please, and keep the little one safe." He said picking up the objects used in our lesson.

As soon as I finished the short walk back to the cottage, I was absolutely spent. My back ached severely, my feet huge and swollen. I felt like I had aged nearly eighty years since I got pregnant with all of these side effects.

The clothes I used to fit in were laughable, most days I didn't even care to wear clothes at all. It's not like it bothered him a bit though, he just wanted me comfortable.

Since it was now sweet spring, the greenery and flowers were growing rapidly. Our little cottage was surrounded by the most wondrous plant life and had been trimmed to look nice and proper. If it started to look just a little too messy, Kylo had to go and trim everything. But I didn't mind, our little home had become the most lovely.

Maz had grown fond of us over time and we enjoyed her company. She commented on how much we'd done with the place, how inviting our home was. It was pleasant honestly. She was the only person who would visit us all the way out here in the forest. Besides her though, we were really all alone out here. We were sheltered from anyone else's influence and had become one with each other. It was living in perfect harmony.

Kylo or Ben as he had eventually grown into his former name, had been giving me lessons for months now on how to use the force. I was getting the hang of it, taking each lesson the best I could, but it was evident I wasn't quite Jedi material.

It didn't matter to us though. It brought so much joy to him, to see the look on his face when I learned something new. It was like a new sense of accomplishment in this less hectic life of his that he'd adapted.

But not everything has been sunshine. The first few months were _hard_. Grappling with the news of our child, having just moved to a completely new planet. Ben was trying to find discrete work to keep us supported but kept having trouble and it was like everything was against us.

But the force liked to remind us of how grateful we should be. Kylo eventually found work that did not involve First Order and we were both able to stay safe. And most importantly we had each other, we had a home, and we had been given the most amazing gift of all.

Our child.

It had kindled the softest side of Ben I had yet to see. He would stoke my belly so tenderly, for hours on end. He had devoted his entire being to making sure we were happy and safe and cared for.

Nothing, and I mean **nothing** was more important to him than our son.

Yes, our _son_.

Maz had visited us when I was five months pregnant and invited me to meet a kind amphibious doctor who had stopped by at her request. I took her up on her offer and the doctor happily knew just at first glance I was carrying a boy. Although he was kind, he was weary knowing that Ben was a force user and so was myself, which could only mean one thing for our child.

But I could not contain my excitement, I was just overjoyed. Ben however was mortified more than anything. Now beyond just being a father, he had to be a father to his _son_. But I encouraged him day and night that he would not make the same mistakes and he would be the most amazing father.

Ben was not even close to the same person he used to be when I first met him so long ago. It felt like a lifetime ago that I first heard his ship land, saw him laying there. The anger and hurt in him that was just explosive and now nearly two years later, you would've never known. And _I_ had changed him. _Me._

Our son would grow up with two parents who loved him more than life itself and gave up everything for this life with him. He would know what beauty this galaxy held but would be taught the danger that lurked within. He would understand the former lives Ben and I both had but would come to realize why we left it all. And most importantly, he would be taught what this power was that he had and how to use it.

Our son, Falcon Solo would be a Jedi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends. This is kinda the last official chapter of the story. The actual final chapter will be the epilogue set four years in the future. Thank you for all your support!


	31. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue - your life four years later.

** FOUR YEARS LATER **

"Daddy, daddy!" Falcon exclaimed, running ahead of me to go see Ben. His little legs went as fast as they could carry him to go see his father.

"Honey, what have I told you about running! Careful please." I yell after him.

Ben scooped him up quick and tickled his little belly, sending Falcon into fits of laughter. In response, Ben started laughing himself, Falcon's giggles infectious. I smiled adoringly from across the room at the two positioned at the front door.

"Good morning handsome." I call to Ben as he comes in to the kitchen with Falcon resting on his hip. He kisses me gently as I finish cleaning up our dishes from this morning.

"How're you?" Ben asks, sitting down with Falcon atop his lap. He had been traveling all through the night and I knew he was tired but he was still so dedicated to being apart of the family. We now lived very comfortably with Ben's help and he only had to leave once a month to take care of things. Unfortunately he did have to travel for his job but he was always back before we knew it.

"I'm good. Falcon ate all his breakfast which was nice, maybe a lesson could be fit in today?" I suggest. Falcon's eyes light up as he stares up adoringly at his father hoping he'll say yes.

"Yes, I suppose we can make time for it." Ben says as if it was even a question. Falcon squeals and claps his tiny hands together in excitement.

Falcon was a clone of his father, the same mop of black hair falling over his forehead and hazel eyes. Little freckles scattered across his nose and cheeks and the same exact giggle.

For having birthed him, it seemed like there was hardly no traces of me in how he looked. Except for the force being instilled in him since he was an infant.

His Jedi potential... was simply unfathomable.

He was even more talented than Ben was at his age, the potential in his young self spilling over. We taught him only very small lessons because of his age and tried to be conscientious of not wearing him out too young. But Ben was just so excited, he wanted nothing more than our son to be the prodigy he couldn't be. I had no doubt that we would start being visited by force ghosts soon to aid in Falcon's training.

I saw Ben try to secretly yawn and rub his eyes so Falcon wouldn't see but I knew how tired he was, he had been up all night.

"Why don't we go see your Aunt Kat and Uncle Atlas first though honey?" I say to Falcon. I knew this would give Ben some time to get a little bit of sleep in.

"Okay mommy!" He answered happily. He hopped down off his father and came to me, grabbing my hand with his own little one. I waved bye to Ben and watched as he went off to our bedroom before we were even out the door.

We walked along the lengthy path over to Atlas' cottage.

After three years of helping in the Resistance, Atlas and Kateryna were ready to settle down with a home of their own. So last year, when Atlas and I had our yearly transmission call, I convinced him to come live by us. Raising Falcon alone here for the first few years was nice, and the quiet was amazing after nonstop chaos from the worlds Ben and I both came from. But after a while, it just became so lonely. Max visited when she was around here and Falcon just adored her but having one visitor every few months wasn't enough. And I wanted more than anything for our son to know the people I cared about so greatly.

So they had moved in a year ago about a half mile from us and the rest was history. I eventually got used to Kat. She was really sweet and loved Atlas immensely, so it was only fair of me to give her a chance. And boy was I glad I did. She'd become my closest friend and Falcon truly enjoyed spending time with them.

I knocked on the door when we finally arrived to their house. Falcon still gripping my hand on his own, had gathered little flowers he'd seen on our way over.

"Hi guys!" Kat said enthusiastically opening the door.

"Katty!" Falcon yelled, gripping her legs in his own little version of a hug. She crouched down to give him a proper hug but Falcon was eager to go play with the toys he had left here previously. What he did not realize is I had already come by and picked up his toys.

"These are for you, Falcon picked them." I said handing her his little flowers. She smiled and held the door open for me to come in. "Where's Atlas?" I question coming inside, hearing Falcon start crying as he realized his toys weren't there.

"He's... around. He has a surprise for you." She said mysteriously.

"What? No way, today's nothing special." I laugh, picking up Falcon and putting him on my hip as he started having a normal four year old meltdown. I tried to rub his back and comfort him as I promise we could play with toys back at home.

"Oh hush yes it is! It's your birthday!" She squealed quietly, trying to contain herself so Falcon wouldn't get more worked up.

"I know but it's no big deal." I say as Kat lead me to a bed I could lay Falcon down in for a nap. The poor thing was exhausting himself crying so much.

But it was true it really wasn't a big deal. Ever since my son was born everything was about him, and that was perfectly fine because he's my son. But things like birthdays and anniversaries started to become less important. I just didn't mind.

"Well it is! And it's the first birthday I've been able to celebrate with you so it's going to be special." She said sternly, as I just laughed it off. We chatted some more until over an hour had passed. She was quite the talker and it was easy to get caught up in conversations with her. But after all the silence we'd had for years here, it was pleasant.

I heard a noise outside like a ship landing and was immediately confused.

"Ah they're here!" Kat said, clasping her hands together in excitement. "Let me go get Falcon up."

Falcon in tow, I followed her outside to the large clearing where Atlas had just landed his ship. The door unlatched and out he came, wearing a casual shirt and khaki pants. But he wasn't alone.

Behind him was Vera and Iylin.

"Oh my god!" I screamed as I ran up to hug them. Four years I had spent missing them, four years wishing I could have them by my side, and four years of wondering if I would ever see them again.

"I can't believe you guys are here! How is this even possible?!"

"Kat and I knew how much you missed them and well honestly I wanted to get the gang back together. Happy birthday." Atlas said hugging me tightly. His copper curls fell down by his cheek and looked even brighter in the sunlight against his alabaster skin.

"Atlas drives a hard bargain I can tell you that." Iylin joked. She was taller now, absolutely beautiful. She had finally lost that baby face I adored and now looked like a mature young lady.

"He insisted we had to come surprise you and well what could we say, we missed you so much!" Vera said coming up to hug my neck again. She had filled out a bit and had truly taken on a motherly role to Iylin. A few wrinkles but she was still youthful as ever, the same blonde bouncing curls I remembered so fondly.

They both peeked around Kateryna's legs to see little Falcon hiding behind them. He was very shy and not used to meeting new people. I coaxed him out from behind her legs and he opened and closed his hands motioning for "up". I threw him on my hip and he curled his head into the crook of my neck.

"Well I suppose I should introduce you guys to my son. This is Falcon."

They both were besotted with him instantly, making funny faces and cooing at his little motions. He giggled his famous sweet little giggle and they were just tickled by how adorable it was. Falcon slowly settled in and started to come around to them.

"He looks so much like Kylo it's crazy. But he's seriously so adorable." Iylin commented.

"Speak of the devil." Vera added in as Ben rounded the corner to our gathering.

"Daddy!" Falcon squealed as he shimmed his way off me and ran full force to his dad. He immediately latched on to him like a little koala. The girls laughed at it but I knew they were completely shocked at how he'd fit so perfectly into the dad role.

"Did you know about this?" I ask him. He smiled.

"Happy birthday my love." He said kissing my forehead and intertwining his hand in my own. "It's nice to see you guys again." Ben said politely as he joined me at my side.

"You as well. He really is your mini me." Vera laughed as she went to hug him. Taken aback at the gesture, he didn't know how to react but I could tell it meant a lot that they were being so kind to him. But they never judged him, even during all the different stages our relationship went through, they stuck by my side and supported us. So I couldn't imagine them treating him any less than they did Atlas or Kat.

"I suppose so. Quite attached as well." Ben joked as he tried to pull Falcon off of him with no success. I was surprised to say the least that Ben was easing into their presence as well as he was but I was absolutely not complaining. He was truly at peace with his family by him.

"How have things been where you guys are?" I ask the girls. I was quite behind on speaking to them. I did my best to talk to them every few months but I had slipped up in recent times.

"Um well, not great? Hux kinda wiped us out." Iylin said awkwardly.

"Gosh I'm so sorry I had no idea." I said apologetically, trying to figure out how else I could help them.

"Well Atlas did have a suggestion on the flight back here." Vera said peaking my interest. They all looked at each other excitedly which grew my curiosity even more.

"Okay confess what is it?" I said suspicious.

"We're moving here!" Iylin squealed, the hint of her youth peaking through for the first time since she'd been here.

"It's not all worked out yet but it's just what we need after being away for so long." Vera said contently.

"I couldn't imagine it any other way." I responded happily.

The conversations flowed naturally as we talked for hours and ate at Ben and I's house. At the end of the meal, Ben gave me the most precious birthday cake he had made for me himself. Overwhelmed by all the love he had for me, I was just brimming with tears.

Together at last was all the people I loved and cared for most in this world. Surrounded by support and love for my son and the complete acceptance of my soulmate, my life was absolutely perfect.

And _he_ made it perfect.

Kylo transformed my life in ways I could've never expected. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. As each year passes together the lines will deepen upon his face, but he will be more handsome as if his soul shines through his skin. I would be by his side until the very end. Whatever he needed, I would be there and would stand by him. We were happy, in love, and I was the one who redeemed the infamous

_Kylo Ren._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your endless support! This is the last chapter of this story and it is now officially over. If you enjoy my work please check out my new Kylo fic ‘Rabid Cur’ on here or Wattpad, same username as here. Thank you again, love you all!


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